When an Alcoholic or Addict Dies

Great article….but it leaves out the critically important value of donation as a way of supporting the grieving family. As we do with every other illness- heart, cancer, diabtes, etc., donations in support of efforts to educate the public, reduce stigma or advocate for help are an important part of bringing hope for others and healing.

Here is a note the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD) received from a family after the death of ther daughter:

“Our daughter struggles with addiction to alcohol and drugs became known to us in 2005. From that moment on, we did all we could to support our daughter in her recovery. We enjoyed so many great times in her periods of recovery. We have learned so much but also know how powerless we, as parents, are over this insidious disease.”

“We were drawn to NCADD because of your efforts to lift the stigma of the disease. Our daughter suffered shame because of the direction her life had taken. We weren’t ashamed, but she was. The ignorance surrounding this disease will only be lifted when more is spoken about it.”

Thank you for your thoughts. I’m working on a longer piece on coping with the death of a loved one with an addiction, but I have to let things play out for a while to complete this. I’ll certainly incorporate the suggestion of donation.

Thanks for this article. I am a widow who watched my husband suffer horribly from alcoholic liver disease. It has been 2 years and I still ask myself the “What If..” questions. I would get so frustrated with doctors that seemed to just shake their head and blame him for his condition. He went to rehab 2 times, did AA and the disease still won…I miss him so much, but know he is in a better place. The widow/widowers of an alcohoic can be lonely because there is often not enough written about our grief and pain. Thanks again.

It was really comforting to find your comments. It’s been a little over a year since I lost my writing partner to alcoholism, and then, my fiance, who lost the same battle, only thirty-five days later. It took me a long time to get over the shock…but, I don’t think I’ll ever get over the pain. There isn’t a day when I don’t wonder if I could have said something or done something to save my boyfriend. The guilt wears on you, as you consider the many areas where you may have failed them.

I’m always silent about the thoughts that resurface, knowing that no one really understands, especially since it’s been a whole year. So, it’s really special to find these messages from people who know the same pain…the same confusion…the same ongoing need for answers.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I don’t feel so alone.

-Pam

My husband died a year ago from alcholism. All the medics said he shouldn’d have died from first visit to hospital. As he died I told him his torment is over. It was like an affair but me and his daughter couldnt compete. I still dont know what I feel. I would never have left him as I couldnt live with the guilt. Anger, upset, denial, relief they all still happen daily.

I lost my husband in June to drug addiction. Over our nine years of marriage he hid it very well. Any time I found evidence or confronted him he would lie about it. Six weeks before he died he became physically abuse and I had to leave with my two boys. We talked to him but never saw him again. The pain, and guilt is horrible. I feel like I never really knew him. I feel stuck in pain and depression and shame. I feel like I may never move forward and it’s like I have no one to talk to who knows how this feel. It would be great to connect with others.

Audrey, you are never alone if you have some form of faith. But I get that feeling of shame. My husband of 25 years just died of cirrhosis, and he didn’t want his family (brother/sisters) to know he was sick…he died on New Year’s Eve and I am just bereft. You reaching out through this area is a good way of asking for help, which we are all so afraid/ashamed to do. While it has only been two weeks, I cared for him all of 2010, and his family is being very petty, so I have no time to grieve while dealing with their “stuff”. I know everyone says it, but take time to just be quiet and listen and think. And write back. Breezy

I have read your comments but I am really struggeling to accept my husbands death from alcoholism 3 weeks ago. He had everything to live for but couldnt stay strong long enough and now he is gone and i am left with 2 young children to bring up on my own. None of it seems real and i just dont get why. He was 34 and gorgeous. Why has this happened?

I lost my son just 4 weeks ago. Although I am normally quite a strong person, I am struggling with this. We had had a particularly difficult two years when he was in and out of detox. He carried on drinking and I didnt understand it. He died in my arms on December 30th 2010 after suffering a seizure and his heart failing. He was just 36. I am trying to come to terms with this. I have the guilt… I had an aunt who suggested I could have done more to help. (She was unaware of just how much we had tried to help him over the years). As a result, I feel lonely, like no one understands how I feel. I am trying to be strong for my family but cry all the time. I cant face going back to work yet. I tried after two weeks but lasted just one week. When will I start to feel better? Does anyone know because I have a gaping hole in my heart and I just feel a sense of waste and hopelessness and feel that my own life is pointless now. I hope it gets better. Thanks for reading this. Jan xx

It is a hard thing for the survivors of the death of an alcoholic to accept that there really was NOTHING that could be done. I have lost my son to alcoholism and struggle constantly with the “what if”. My husband is in end-stage alcoholism. The only thing that gets me through this is the knowledge that the entity living in the body of my husband is not really my husband. If we can detach we can grieve even if the alcoholic is not yet gone. I have a very controversial point of view and that is that the alcoholic’s death can be a gift to the non-alcoholic. In the insanity of alcoholism it’s the only gift they can give. They can give the gift of freedom from an alcoholic insanity infused life. Take the gift and cherish it because that gift is given in the purest sense of love. — Linda’s Immortal Alcoholic.

My mum just died over a week ago after 35 years of drinking/alcoholism.

She failed to ever take responsibility for her health or condition. THis is despite having the finances to get help, plus the social support. Plus her GP was an addiction specialist. She grew up with every privilege you can think of. Yet she continually ignored help, or discarded any actions to better herself. Yes, a terrible disease but she never CHOSE to get better. So who picked up the bill after every fall or related health condition? Her children.

Why is it controversial to say her death is a gift? Do I love her? Yes. Will I miss her? Yes. Would I wish her to be back here? No frigging way. The amount of stress/damage & poison she brought into my family, her death is a true gift.

My ex-partner passed away alone at Christmas and I’m awash with guilt. He rang me constantly when he was on a bender mostly in the middle of the night but I’d finally begun to put the phone on silent and ignore his calls. I’d spent the best part of four years trying to protect him from himself. Sitting with him for days at a time to help him sober up and stop him from going out for more booze or drinking aftershave and God knows what else if he couldn’t get at that. I’ve slept in wet beds with him when he’s lost all control of his functions and got him into hospital time and time again when he’s been drinking for weeks on end and the booze has ravaged his body. He even gave up for twelve months – I thought we’d cracked it -though living with a dry drunk isn’t a picnic sometimes. He was an intelligent generous caring and funny man when he was sober and oh do I miss that person. I just didn’t have the strength anymore to fight for both of us. The stress was unbearable. I just wish I’d gone over on Christmas Eve when he rang. Wish I’d been more sympathetic when he said he didn’t feel well instead of saying “you’re always sick when you’ve been drinking” Will these feelings ever go away?

Dear Anon – whilst I can understand you having feelings of guilt, allowing these to persist is a matter of choice. Not meaning to be harsh – you may intellectually know you are only responsible for yourself (other than your young children, that is, if you have them) – knowing this emotionally is hard to arrive at but I think (think – I mean I need to keep working at it still) I’ve got there and you can too.

You see, every time you feel guilt, it is kind of like having a ‘pity party’ for yourself. What do you get out of it? SElf flaggelation, that’s what. Every time you have a feeling of guilt, tell yourself you did everything you could possibly do to help – and it was never enough – nor would it ever be. Even if you did everything you thought possible to help, it is NEVER ENOUGH! YOu know it, I know it.

Guilt, as you know, gets you no where. Given you have seen first hand what destructive thinking can do to a person, why jump on that train? No way, baby. I’ve got a family who love me and fantastic friends – I’m going to enjoy my life as much as I can. Sure there will be pain ahead, but there is no friggin way I’m losing energy on guilt – feeling sorry for myself – after all the pain I’ve had to ensure over the last 35 years is a waste I can’t bring myself to……..this is my choice…….it can be yours. xx

My boyfriend died on August 24, 2011 from alcohol poisioning. He was 45.

He was in rehab in January 2009 and I took him to the ER to detox in November 2010. I did not know that he had become dependent on alcohol again. He was extremely versed in hiding his drinking.

I am left with the “what ifs”. I dont think that I will ever recover from this. I feel like there must have been something I could have done. He lost his job but told me was working. He lied constantly and it tore our relationship apart. I was distant and angry. I asked him to leave but I was worried constantly about him.

I will alway live with the notion that I could have done something more. Nothing seems to help me feel better. I cry everyday. I miss him so much. This never was supposed to happen.

My husband died 4 months ago, not directly from drug addiction, but by actions related to it. I too, suffer sometimes with guilt, things I said or didn’t say or should have said, but then I realize that I DID say them, time and time again over the years between clean and using. He was aware of my feelings about the whole mess. He had heard everything before. He knew that if he was trying to be clean, I was 100% supportive. My guilt comes from missing him terribly as a wife misses a husband, but not missing the things that come with addiction such as money troubles, obvious signs of drug use, people I did not like being in his life, etc. I am aware of this guilt so I don’t let it consume me. I gain strength from knowing that his fight is over. He is drug free and healthy now, and clear headed. If you have a perception of the after life associated with your religion, now is the time to imagine where they are now. I talk to him and argue with him and tell him I’m mad when I’m mad. I also tell him I love him.

My husband died 4 months ago from alcoholism. He entered the hospital to detox for his 25-30th time. I believe now his weak body just could not handle another detox. His heart stopped in the hospital and was on life support for 4 days when we made the decision to let him go. After he passed i was very relieved that his pain and struggles were now gone, and he went to a better place full of peace. I was also relieved for myself and son, because we no longer had to live in the crazy world of an alcoholic. The first few months we were fine and i thought of all the good times. Lately i have been really struggling with the loneliness of him no longer being around. I do not miss the drunken days, but the wonderful days when he was sober and a great guy. i know that i will get thru this and move on, but i do think of the guilt and the what if’s daily… I loved what Linda’s Immortal Alcoholic said about it being a gift of love in the purest sense. I truly believe that he knew that he was dying and hated what he had done to himself and his family. He truly loved us and told us often how much, and how he was sorry for everything he did. On his death bed my son and I said our goodbyes to him after we made the decision to let him go. We both opened his eyes, which were a beautiful blue, and told him we loved him and that we would miss him but his struggle was over and he could go. I really do not know if he could hear us, but a tear came from his left eye and I felt like he knew it was time and it was his way of saying good bye to us. Death was his gift to us; he thanked us for taking care of him and loving him. Now he had to go, so that we could live a quiet and peaceful live he always wanted us to have. I feel him around me every day and I pray to him every night and thank him for all the great times we had and the wonderful son he gave me.

I understand what you mean, Judy. The first 4 months were busy with taking care of things and now 5 months later, things are more ‘real’ to me. I miss him terribly, myself, and the coming holidays are not making it easier. I have a young child, my grandson, that makes things a lot easier. If it wasn’t for him I don’t know what I would do! At first I was more angry, now I am coming to terms with that and I miss who he was before and who we were together. It will be a long road, but I think we will both be OK. I do know that if he was here today, he would not be well. It would be selfish to want him to be here with me when he is at peace now.

I lost my beautiful brother just 2 days ago, due to advanced cirrhosis complications. I keep beating myself up saying, “Why didn’t I do more ?” I then have to remind myself that me and all of my family did everything in our power to turn his life around. He had a really bad scare about 9 years ago, and the medical staff were amazed that he pulled through. I think he may have thought he was invincible after that. He tried so hard to quit drink in the couple of years after, but these last few years saw him beset with terrible health problems. In the end it was unbearable and awful to see him suffer. When we got the call to go to the hospital(as he had taken a turn for the worse)he died 5 minutes before we got there. I never got the chance to say goodbye. I always say, “Walk a mile in somebodies shoes and then judge what they are going through”. To everyone supporting an addict, be strong and do your best. Nobody can ask anymore of you.

C, I’m so sorry about your brother, that is so very sad, but you are remembering that you tried so hard to help him and that’s a good thing. That might help you to sooner remember the good times, as it does me, instead of focusing on questions and guilt. Now…all we can do is get through this holiday season. In living with someone who was an addict, I learned to put myself last sometimes which became a habit without even realizing it. Now, my husbands family (of all people), wanted me to spend the holiday with them as we did every year as a couple. I almost said ‘yes’-just to please them, then I said ‘no, I will not be doing that this year, I hope you understand’ (and if they cannot-it’s not my issue). I know some of his family members want to make the holiday ’sentimental and sad’, and I’m NOT doing that to myself. The point is: Take care of YOU.

My husband of 27 years died on 19 November 2012 of liver failure and bleeding espohageal varices. I just cannot come to terms with it and the worst is I am being blamed by all his family and friends for his death. 4 months prior to his death he left home as I took away all his bank cards, documenation etc. However since he was a renowned businessman the bank gave him new cards and then he cancelled my power of attonrey and access to his business accounts and spent R132500 in the casino, accomodation at places where he stayed, alcohol, food and cigarettes. He got advise from another alcoholic friend of his and went to the law and issued protection orders against myself, my son and my son’s finace who lives with us and was working in his business. My son also works in the business. He spread maliciious lies about us 3 that we wanted him out the house because we wanted his business. My daughter knew exactly where he was and she and her boyfriend spent everyday with him and never told me anything. In the 4 months I tried everything to get him back home but all he friends and family knew where he was but because they believed his lies they did not tell me.

At the beginning of November he returned home and we argued and got into a fight and my son and I hit him. he left home again with my daughter and they charged my son and I and we got arrested and we paid a fine and was released on bail pemding a court case. But I was fed up because from 2008 he has been sick with bleeding espohageal varices and was in ICU for 12 days. In 2009 the same occurred but he went to rehab and the day he came out of rehab he was drinking.

He was only 49 and I am 47 and I feel like dying myself. I cannot come to terms with his death and have such guilty feelings because everyone beliwved hi stories and he would visit people and complain and everyone believes what he said about the fact that we wanted his business etc .

My husband died last week due to alochol. He was a home for three weeks with Jaundice, I urged him day in day out to go to hospital but he refused. In the end he was in so much pain he asked me to take him to hospital. Unfortunately due to New Year, there were no liver specialists in the hospital to he got no treatment. We have been married for 25 years and he has been drinking from a very young age. He had a heart attacked and died of multiple organ failures. I just can’t cope with the guilt as I told him we’d be better offer if he was dead. I also wished he’d die as he was really making my children’s life difficult. How do I cope with the guilt as I feel my wish came true

Oh, Prit, I am sorry that you are dealing with such guilt, you must feel so awful. But I don’t think it was your wish that came true. I don’t know about you, but I have wished for a new car, new home and to hit the lottery and I have had none of those come true. You can see my post above, it is #15. At the times when it got so bad and I did not want to deal with his issues and the troubles it brought, I, too, would wish I was single again and that he was gone, but in no way is it my fault that he is and I know that. Years and years of any kind of detramental addiction is going to take a toll on the body either way. Maybe trying to see that he is suffering no more is comforting. It is not your fault, Prit. 25 years is a long time to love someone and the one you loved is in pain no more. I wish you and your children well.

I am having a really hard time right now. Yesterday my boyfriends cousin was at our house and he died. He was taking pills for a very long time. He was asked many times to go to rehab but never would go. He came over to hang out. He said he was tired and was gonna take a nap (he had not slept in 3 days). We didn’t think anything of it. He was fine, breathing and snoring. My boyfriend went to the bathroom and came back woke me up. I went to check on him he had thrown up and wasn’t breathing. I called 911 and started CPR but it was too late. We both are really
struggling with this big time. Not only with him being gone but him dying in our house. I just don’t know what to do. I know I want to move and I don’t have the resources to do so.

Thanks Michele. Now all my husband’s family are blaming me for his death, telling me my my husband told them prior to dying what a bad person I was and that all his problems were due to my shouting and screaming at him. He was incontinent, I cleaned up after up and I fed him with my own hands as he refused to eat. He was drinking before he married me so can’t come to terms with the fact that I am being blamed,

Oh, no no no! An alcoholic or drug abuser will always find a reason to justify why they must drink or do whatever it is they do. Rather than see his problem, his family has decided to believe him and put the blame on you. That is too bad for them. You have enough to deal with without dealing with that, too. I would explain to your children, if they are old enough they will see themselves, that these relatives will be saying things that are simply not true. If they don’t shape up, simply cut those ties. Give them back what is theirs and let them know that if they want to see grandchildren it is their choice.

Hi was just reading the comments on this page and it breaks my heart as my partner is an alcoholic and he has had a relapse did some terrible things that my family are unwilling to talk to him anymore which put so much strain on our relationship he has left again, he has a son and twin daughters 9weeks old, this is breaking my heart i am a nurse and am aware that he is going to die soon, myself and his family have done everything possible to keep him sober even managing 17weeks but I can’t do it anymore i love him with all my heart but he wont stop, he phoned for help the other day but nobody would see him for a week which was to late the urge was to much, its only a matter of time now how am I supposed to move on with my life I keep thinking what if? What else can I do?

Hi Nicola, your post was almost a week ago, and I hope you are doing alright. From what I see of your post, I am sure that you have covered all of the ‘what if’s’. I really don’t mean to sound so cold about it, but it’s true. Maybe he will do something to turn things around for himself, but that will be his choice. You have such small babies and they need thier mom. All you can do is live one life one day at a time. Although my husband died 8 months ago-some days it still feels like yesterday. All I can do is wake up every day like this: “I am awake today. I will go to work, I will do what needs to be done. Something will happen that will remind me of a funny thing we did or said and that will be wonderful” I hope that helps you a little bit. It’s not easy to watch someone hurt so much and not be able to accept the help you off. Much luck to you.

Hello, My wife of 29 years died September 24, 2012 form Sclerrosis of the Liver (Kidney failure). Her sister went through the same thing 11 years ago, but she survived and has not drunk since. Her dad died of this 19 years ago.

She went into rehab in 2005, she quit for 1 year, then my mother had heart surgery so she stayed with her and then her mother had breast cancer, my wife then quit her job and started drinking. I thought it was just wine, but when I went to bed she stayed up all night and drunk vodka.

When she went in hospital for jaundice, she thought she would get drained and then she would quit and everything would be all right , like her sister, but unfortunately she passed away 8 weeks later.

We have 3 sons in their 20’s they are all out of house and doing okay. I think I am okay some days, but when I stop to think about it, I have a hard time. I feel I am in a dream and it is not true. I am a workaholic and just work 12 hours a day to not think about it. But I know I need help dealing with everything, my mother has alzheimers and hardly knows who I am, my sister lives 12 hours away and is 13 years older. I search internet and found this, what other groups or organizations can I turn to?

Dearest Jan, my son, found out he has cirrhosis of his liver Feb 2010. He has suffered 2 life threatening hospital stays. But unlike your son, he did stop drinking and is sober 2 yrs later, with many health problems. Jan, from a mother, who just lost my alcoholic husband to alcohol, I can tell you, your heart will always grieve for your child, always, but the Lord will give you time that it will be less. You my dear Mom, could have done nothing but what you did, love him with all your heart. It is a disease, that he nor you could control. He now, no longer suffers. Please mom, get yourself grief counceling. & know you did everything you could have. He was taken over by the disease. Much love & prayers to you, one Mom to another. Ann

Michele, pls tell me the guilt / pain I feel gets easier. It is now five weeks and I am feeling so down all the time. I just want to scream and shout my husband photo asking him why he could have been so selfish as to leave a wife and children behind. I wish I had told him how much I loved him

Hi Prit. I think you are where you are supposed to be right now. 5 weeks is only 35 days! That’s not very long at all, and everyone grieves differently. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad, though, and I hope you are remembering to take care of yourself. If you look it up, you will find that grief comes in stages, and maybe reading about it might help you to realize you are OK. I myself believe that my husband knows how much I love him, and I can see little signs that let me know he does, too. You can see them if you look! I miss him every single day and night, but I know that if he were here, he would not be well. Try not to be too hard on yourself. And if you want to scream at the photo…do it. Don’t hold all of your feelings inside. It will get better. I promise.

Thanks Michele. Unfortunately apart from dreaming about my husband in the 1st week, I have had no more. I wish like you I had some signs that he is around and knows that I love him but I don’t. This week I keep crying as soon as see couples holding hands and hugging. Thanks for all your support

I don’t dream about my husband, very rarely in fact. I am not sure why I don’t, though. Signs I mean are just silly little things. A song on the radio, a rainbow, finding something I KNOW I have but cannot locate…It has not been long for you, so you will feel sad. Especially Valentine’s Day…ewww! I celebrated by making a heart shaped brownie with my grandson. As far as my husband goes….he always forgot anyway. On nights when you feel sad…be sad. Don’t let anyone tell you not to. It will get better.

Michele Thanks. I feel as if you are my guardian angel seeing me thru my pain