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When an Alcoholic or Addict Dies

By April 20, 2010

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When someone who has an addiction passes away, the grieving process for those who are close to the addict or alcoholic can be particularly difficult, because the survivors are always left with the "what if" questions - what if we had done something differently, what if we had said this, or not said that. Maybe it would have turned out differently.

For those trying to console those left behind when an addict dies, offering support can also be difficult. Knowing what to say, or more specifically not to say, so that their love ones don't experience any more pain, is not always easy.

Recently, About.com Addictions Guide Dr. Elizabeth Hartney lost a family member who suffered from a long-time addiction. She found out quickly that the grieving process can be even more painful for someone who had an addiction. Those trying to be supportive can make it even more difficult.

Don't Know What to Say?

"...many people don't know how to be supportive in these circumstances, saying and doing things that cause even more pain to those left behind," Hartney wrote.

As a result of her personal experience, Hartney developed two lists of tips for those trying to support someone who recently lost someone with an addiction - a list of things that are supportive and a list of things you just don't say.

Ways to Support Someone Who Has Lost an Addicted Loved One
Here are ways to be supportive to someone who has recently lost an alcoholic or addicted love one. Sometimes not saying anything is the best action to take.

What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Lost an Addict
Even when we mean well, we can say things to someone grieving the lost of an alcoholic or addict that can cause more pain. Here are ten things to avoid saying to someone who has lost a relative or loved one with an addiction.

More Information for Families:

Photo: BigStockPhoto.com
Comments
April 21, 2010 at 8:25 am
(1) Robert J Lindsey says:

Great article….but it leaves out the critically important value of donation as a way of supporting the grieving family. As we do with every other illness- heart, cancer, diabtes, etc., donations in support of efforts to educate the public, reduce stigma or advocate for help are an important part of bringing hope for others and healing.

Here is a note the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD) received from a family after the death of ther daughter:

“Our daughter struggles with addiction to alcohol and drugs became known to us in 2005. From that moment on, we did all we could to support our daughter in her recovery. We enjoyed so many great times in her periods of recovery. We have learned so much but also know how powerless we, as parents, are over this insidious disease.”

“We were drawn to NCADD because of your efforts to lift the stigma of the disease. Our daughter suffered shame because of the direction her life had taken. We weren’t ashamed, but she was. The ignorance surrounding this disease will only be lifted when more is spoken about it.”

April 21, 2010 at 12:22 pm
(2) Elizabeth Hartney says:

Thank you for your thoughts. I’m working on a longer piece on coping with the death of a loved one with an addiction, but I have to let things play out for a while to complete this. I’ll certainly incorporate the suggestion of donation.

May 1, 2010 at 12:59 am
(3) BB says:

Thanks for this article. I am a widow who watched my husband suffer horribly from alcoholic liver disease. It has been 2 years and I still ask myself the “What If..” questions. I would get so frustrated with doctors that seemed to just shake their head and blame him for his condition. He went to rehab 2 times, did AA and the disease still won…I miss him so much, but know he is in a better place. The widow/widowers of an alcohoic can be lonely because there is often not enough written about our grief and pain. Thanks again.

May 3, 2010 at 11:17 pm
(4) Pam Sherrod says:

It was really comforting to find your comments. It’s been a little over a year since I lost my writing partner to alcoholism, and then, my fiance, who lost the same battle, only thirty-five days later. It took me a long time to get over the shock…but, I don’t think I’ll ever get over the pain. There isn’t a day when I don’t wonder if I could have said something or done something to save my boyfriend. The guilt wears on you, as you consider the many areas where you may have failed them.

I’m always silent about the thoughts that resurface, knowing that no one really understands, especially since it’s been a whole year. So, it’s really special to find these messages from people who know the same pain…the same confusion…the same ongoing need for answers.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I don’t feel so alone.

-Pam

October 27, 2010 at 5:03 pm
(5) Debbie says:

My husband died a year ago from alcholism. All the medics said he shouldn’d have died from first visit to hospital. As he died I told him his torment is over. It was like an affair but me and his daughter couldnt compete. I still dont know what I feel. I would never have left him as I couldnt live with the guilt. Anger, upset, denial, relief they all still happen daily.

January 2, 2011 at 11:50 pm
(6) Audrey says:

I lost my husband in June to drug addiction. Over our nine years of marriage he hid it very well. Any time I found evidence or confronted him he would lie about it. Six weeks before he died he became physically abuse and I had to leave with my two boys. We talked to him but never saw him again. The pain, and guilt is horrible. I feel like I never really knew him. I feel stuck in pain and depression and shame. I feel like I may never move forward and it’s like I have no one to talk to who knows how this feel. It would be great to connect with others.

January 18, 2011 at 7:13 pm
(7) Annmarie says:

Audrey, you are never alone if you have some form of faith. But I get that feeling of shame. My husband of 25 years just died of cirrhosis, and he didn’t want his family (brother/sisters) to know he was sick…he died on New Year’s Eve and I am just bereft. You reaching out through this area is a good way of asking for help, which we are all so afraid/ashamed to do. While it has only been two weeks, I cared for him all of 2010, and his family is being very petty, so I have no time to grieve while dealing with their “stuff”. I know everyone says it, but take time to just be quiet and listen and think. And write back. Breezy

February 2, 2011 at 6:21 pm
(8) Ali says:

I have read your comments but I am really struggeling to accept my husbands death from alcoholism 3 weeks ago. He had everything to live for but couldnt stay strong long enough and now he is gone and i am left with 2 young children to bring up on my own. None of it seems real and i just dont get why. He was 34 and gorgeous. Why has this happened?

February 7, 2011 at 6:41 pm
(9) Jan says:

I lost my son just 4 weeks ago. Although I am normally quite a strong person, I am struggling with this. We had had a particularly difficult two years when he was in and out of detox. He carried on drinking and I didnt understand it. He died in my arms on December 30th 2010 after suffering a seizure and his heart failing. He was just 36. I am trying to come to terms with this. I have the guilt… I had an aunt who suggested I could have done more to help. (She was unaware of just how much we had tried to help him over the years). As a result, I feel lonely, like no one understands how I feel. I am trying to be strong for my family but cry all the time. I cant face going back to work yet. I tried after two weeks but lasted just one week. When will I start to feel better? Does anyone know because I have a gaping hole in my heart and I just feel a sense of waste and hopelessness and feel that my own life is pointless now. I hope it gets better. Thanks for reading this. Jan xx

February 21, 2011 at 7:46 am
(10) Lindas Immortal Alcoholic says:

It is a hard thing for the survivors of the death of an alcoholic to accept that there really was NOTHING that could be done. I have lost my son to alcoholism and struggle constantly with the “what if”. My husband is in end-stage alcoholism. The only thing that gets me through this is the knowledge that the entity living in the body of my husband is not really my husband. If we can detach we can grieve even if the alcoholic is not yet gone. I have a very controversial point of view and that is that the alcoholic’s death can be a gift to the non-alcoholic. In the insanity of alcoholism it’s the only gift they can give. They can give the gift of freedom from an alcoholic insanity infused life. Take the gift and cherish it because that gift is given in the purest sense of love. — Linda’s Immortal Alcoholic.

May 5, 2011 at 4:19 am
(11) emma Howden says:

My mum just died over a week ago after 35 years of drinking/alcoholism.

She failed to ever take responsibility for her health or condition. THis is despite having the finances to get help, plus the social support. Plus her GP was an addiction specialist. She grew up with every privilege you can think of. Yet she continually ignored help, or discarded any actions to better herself. Yes, a terrible disease but she never CHOSE to get better. So who picked up the bill after every fall or related health condition? Her children.

Why is it controversial to say her death is a gift? Do I love her? Yes. Will I miss her? Yes. Would I wish her to be back here? No frigging way. The amount of stress/damage & poison she brought into my family, her death is a true gift.

May 5, 2011 at 1:15 pm
(12) Anon says:

My ex-partner passed away alone at Christmas and I’m awash with guilt. He rang me constantly when he was on a bender mostly in the middle of the night but I’d finally begun to put the phone on silent and ignore his calls. I’d spent the best part of four years trying to protect him from himself. Sitting with him for days at a time to help him sober up and stop him from going out for more booze or drinking aftershave and God knows what else if he couldn’t get at that. I’ve slept in wet beds with him when he’s lost all control of his functions and got him into hospital time and time again when he’s been drinking for weeks on end and the booze has ravaged his body. He even gave up for twelve months – I thought we’d cracked it -though living with a dry drunk isn’t a picnic sometimes. He was an intelligent generous caring and funny man when he was sober and oh do I miss that person. I just didn’t have the strength anymore to fight for both of us. The stress was unbearable. I just wish I’d gone over on Christmas Eve when he rang. Wish I’d been more sympathetic when he said he didn’t feel well instead of saying “you’re always sick when you’ve been drinking” Will these feelings ever go away?

May 8, 2011 at 11:27 pm
(13) emma H says:

Dear Anon – whilst I can understand you having feelings of guilt, allowing these to persist is a matter of choice. Not meaning to be harsh – you may intellectually know you are only responsible for yourself (other than your young children, that is, if you have them) – knowing this emotionally is hard to arrive at but I think (think – I mean I need to keep working at it still) I’ve got there and you can too.

You see, every time you feel guilt, it is kind of like having a ‘pity party’ for yourself. What do you get out of it? SElf flaggelation, that’s what. Every time you have a feeling of guilt, tell yourself you did everything you could possibly do to help – and it was never enough – nor would it ever be. Even if you did everything you thought possible to help, it is NEVER ENOUGH! YOu know it, I know it.

Guilt, as you know, gets you no where. Given you have seen first hand what destructive thinking can do to a person, why jump on that train? No way, baby. I’ve got a family who love me and fantastic friends – I’m going to enjoy my life as much as I can. Sure there will be pain ahead, but there is no friggin way I’m losing energy on guilt – feeling sorry for myself – after all the pain I’ve had to ensure over the last 35 years is a waste I can’t bring myself to……..this is my choice…….it can be yours. xx

August 30, 2011 at 5:01 pm
(14) Mary says:

My boyfriend died on August 24, 2011 from alcohol poisioning. He was 45.

He was in rehab in January 2009 and I took him to the ER to detox in November 2010. I did not know that he had become dependent on alcohol again. He was extremely versed in hiding his drinking.

I am left with the “what ifs”. I dont think that I will ever recover from this. I feel like there must have been something I could have done. He lost his job but told me was working. He lied constantly and it tore our relationship apart. I was distant and angry. I asked him to leave but I was worried constantly about him.

I will alway live with the notion that I could have done something more. Nothing seems to help me feel better. I cry everyday. I miss him so much. This never was supposed to happen.

September 18, 2011 at 9:13 am
(15) Michele says:

My husband died 4 months ago, not directly from drug addiction, but by actions related to it. I too, suffer sometimes with guilt, things I said or didn’t say or should have said, but then I realize that I DID say them, time and time again over the years between clean and using. He was aware of my feelings about the whole mess. He had heard everything before. He knew that if he was trying to be clean, I was 100% supportive. My guilt comes from missing him terribly as a wife misses a husband, but not missing the things that come with addiction such as money troubles, obvious signs of drug use, people I did not like being in his life, etc. I am aware of this guilt so I don’t let it consume me. I gain strength from knowing that his fight is over. He is drug free and healthy now, and clear headed. If you have a perception of the after life associated with your religion, now is the time to imagine where they are now. I talk to him and argue with him and tell him I’m mad when I’m mad. I also tell him I love him.

October 21, 2011 at 10:13 pm
(16) Judy says:

My husband died 4 months ago from alcoholism. He entered the hospital to detox for his 25-30th time. I believe now his weak body just could not handle another detox. His heart stopped in the hospital and was on life support for 4 days when we made the decision to let him go. After he passed i was very relieved that his pain and struggles were now gone, and he went to a better place full of peace. I was also relieved for myself and son, because we no longer had to live in the crazy world of an alcoholic. The first few months we were fine and i thought of all the good times. Lately i have been really struggling with the loneliness of him no longer being around. I do not miss the drunken days, but the wonderful days when he was sober and a great guy. i know that i will get thru this and move on, but i do think of the guilt and the what if’s daily… I loved what Lindaís Immortal Alcoholic said about it being a gift of love in the purest sense. I truly believe that he knew that he was dying and hated what he had done to himself and his family. He truly loved us and told us often how much, and how he was sorry for everything he did. On his death bed my son and I said our goodbyes to him after we made the decision to let him go. We both opened his eyes, which were a beautiful blue, and told him we loved him and that we would miss him but his struggle was over and he could go. I really do not know if he could hear us, but a tear came from his left eye and I felt like he knew it was time and it was his way of saying good bye to us. Death was his gift to us; he thanked us for taking care of him and loving him. Now he had to go, so that we could live a quiet and peaceful live he always wanted us to have. I feel him around me every day and I pray to him every night and thank him for all the great times we had and the wonderful son he gave me.

November 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm
(17) Michele says:

I understand what you mean, Judy. The first 4 months were busy with taking care of things and now 5 months later, things are more ‘real’ to me. I miss him terribly, myself, and the coming holidays are not making it easier. I have a young child, my grandson, that makes things a lot easier. If it wasn’t for him I don’t know what I would do! At first I was more angry, now I am coming to terms with that and I miss who he was before and who we were together. It will be a long road, but I think we will both be OK. I do know that if he was here today, he would not be well. It would be selfish to want him to be here with me when he is at peace now.

November 30, 2011 at 5:30 pm
(18) C says:

I lost my beautiful brother just 2 days ago, due to advanced cirrhosis complications. I keep beating myself up saying, “Why didn’t I do more ?” I then have to remind myself that me and all of my family did everything in our power to turn his life around. He had a really bad scare about 9 years ago, and the medical staff were amazed that he pulled through. I think he may have thought he was invincible after that. He tried so hard to quit drink in the couple of years after, but these last few years saw him beset with terrible health problems. In the end it was unbearable and awful to see him suffer. When we got the call to go to the hospital(as he had taken a turn for the worse)he died 5 minutes before we got there. I never got the chance to say goodbye. I always say, “Walk a mile in somebodies shoes and then judge what they are going through”. To everyone supporting an addict, be strong and do your best. Nobody can ask anymore of you.

December 11, 2011 at 9:06 am
(19) Michele says:

C, I’m so sorry about your brother, that is so very sad, but you are remembering that you tried so hard to help him and that’s a good thing. That might help you to sooner remember the good times, as it does me, instead of focusing on questions and guilt. Now…all we can do is get through this holiday season. In living with someone who was an addict, I learned to put myself last sometimes which became a habit without even realizing it. Now, my husbands family (of all people), wanted me to spend the holiday with them as we did every year as a couple. I almost said ‘yes’-just to please them, then I said ‘no, I will not be doing that this year, I hope you understand’ (and if they cannot-it’s not my issue). I know some of his family members want to make the holiday ‘sentimental and sad’, and I’m NOT doing that to myself. The point is: Take care of YOU.

December 29, 2011 at 6:47 pm
(20) Anita Hiralaal says:

My husband of 27 years died on 19 November 2012 of liver failure and bleeding espohageal varices. I just cannot come to terms with it and the worst is I am being blamed by all his family and friends for his death. 4 months prior to his death he left home as I took away all his bank cards, documenation etc. However since he was a renowned businessman the bank gave him new cards and then he cancelled my power of attonrey and access to his business accounts and spent R132500 in the casino, accomodation at places where he stayed, alcohol, food and cigarettes. He got advise from another alcoholic friend of his and went to the law and issued protection orders against myself, my son and my son’s finace who lives with us and was working in his business. My son also works in the business. He spread maliciious lies about us 3 that we wanted him out the house because we wanted his business. My daughter knew exactly where he was and she and her boyfriend spent everyday with him and never told me anything. In the 4 months I tried everything to get him back home but all he friends and family knew where he was but because they believed his lies they did not tell me.

At the beginning of November he returned home and we argued and got into a fight and my son and I hit him. he left home again with my daughter and they charged my son and I and we got arrested and we paid a fine and was released on bail pemding a court case. But I was fed up because from 2008 he has been sick with bleeding espohageal varices and was in ICU for 12 days. In 2009 the same occurred but he went to rehab and the day he came out of rehab he was drinking.

He was only 49 and I am 47 and I feel like dying myself. I cannot come to terms with his death and have such guilty feelings because everyone beliwved hi stories and he would visit people and complain and everyone believes what he said about the fact that we wanted his business etc .

January 12, 2012 at 8:56 am
(21) Prit says:

My husband died last week due to alochol. He was a home for three weeks with Jaundice, I urged him day in day out to go to hospital but he refused. In the end he was in so much pain he asked me to take him to hospital. Unfortunately due to New Year, there were no liver specialists in the hospital to he got no treatment. We have been married for 25 years and he has been drinking from a very young age. He had a heart attacked and died of multiple organ failures. I just can’t cope with the guilt as I told him we’d be better offer if he was dead. I also wished he’d die as he was really making my children’s life difficult. How do I cope with the guilt as I feel my wish came true

January 13, 2012 at 6:31 pm
(22) Michele says:

Oh, Prit, I am sorry that you are dealing with such guilt, you must feel so awful. But I don’t think it was your wish that came true. I don’t know about you, but I have wished for a new car, new home and to hit the lottery and I have had none of those come true. You can see my post above, it is #15. At the times when it got so bad and I did not want to deal with his issues and the troubles it brought, I, too, would wish I was single again and that he was gone, but in no way is it my fault that he is and I know that. Years and years of any kind of detramental addiction is going to take a toll on the body either way. Maybe trying to see that he is suffering no more is comforting. It is not your fault, Prit. 25 years is a long time to love someone and the one you loved is in pain no more. I wish you and your children well.

January 16, 2012 at 3:24 am
(23) dawn says:

I am having a really hard time right now. Yesterday my boyfriends cousin was at our house and he died. He was taking pills for a very long time. He was asked many times to go to rehab but never would go. He came over to hang out. He said he was tired and was gonna take a nap (he had not slept in 3 days). We didn’t think anything of it. He was fine, breathing and snoring. My boyfriend went to the bathroom and came back woke me up. I went to check on him he had thrown up and wasn’t breathing. I called 911 and started CPR but it was too late. We both are really
struggling with this big time. Not only with him being gone but him dying in our house. I just don’t know what to do. I know I want to move and I don’t have the resources to do so.

January 17, 2012 at 9:22 am
(24) Prit says:

Thanks Michele. Now all my husband’s family are blaming me for his death, telling me my my husband told them prior to dying what a bad person I was and that all his problems were due to my shouting and screaming at him. He was incontinent, I cleaned up after up and I fed him with my own hands as he refused to eat. He was drinking before he married me so can’t come to terms with the fact that I am being blamed,

January 20, 2012 at 8:41 pm
(25) Michele says:

Oh, no no no! An alcoholic or drug abuser will always find a reason to justify why they must drink or do whatever it is they do. Rather than see his problem, his family has decided to believe him and put the blame on you. That is too bad for them. You have enough to deal with without dealing with that, too. I would explain to your children, if they are old enough they will see themselves, that these relatives will be saying things that are simply not true. If they don’t shape up, simply cut those ties. Give them back what is theirs and let them know that if they want to see grandchildren it is their choice.

January 23, 2012 at 10:12 am
(26) nicola says:

Hi was just reading the comments on this page and it breaks my heart as my partner is an alcoholic and he has had a relapse did some terrible things that my family are unwilling to talk to him anymore which put so much strain on our relationship he has left again, he has a son and twin daughters 9weeks old, this is breaking my heart i am a nurse and am aware that he is going to die soon, myself and his family have done everything possible to keep him sober even managing 17weeks but I can’t do it anymore i love him with all my heart but he wont stop, he phoned for help the other day but nobody would see him for a week which was to late the urge was to much, its only a matter of time now how am I supposed to move on with my life I keep thinking what if? What else can I do?

January 29, 2012 at 12:37 pm
(27) Michele says:

Hi Nicola, your post was almost a week ago, and I hope you are doing alright. From what I see of your post, I am sure that you have covered all of the ‘what if’s’. I really don’t mean to sound so cold about it, but it’s true. Maybe he will do something to turn things around for himself, but that will be his choice. You have such small babies and they need thier mom. All you can do is live one life one day at a time. Although my husband died 8 months ago-some days it still feels like yesterday. All I can do is wake up every day like this: “I am awake today. I will go to work, I will do what needs to be done. Something will happen that will remind me of a funny thing we did or said and that will be wonderful” I hope that helps you a little bit. It’s not easy to watch someone hurt so much and not be able to accept the help you off. Much luck to you.

January 29, 2012 at 4:26 pm
(28) Mike says:

Hello, My wife of 29 years died September 24, 2012 form Sclerrosis of the Liver (Kidney failure). Her sister went through the same thing 11 years ago, but she survived and has not drunk since. Her dad died of this 19 years ago.

She went into rehab in 2005, she quit for 1 year, then my mother had heart surgery so she stayed with her and then her mother had breast cancer, my wife then quit her job and started drinking. I thought it was just wine, but when I went to bed she stayed up all night and drunk vodka.

When she went in hospital for jaundice, she thought she would get drained and then she would quit and everything would be all right , like her sister, but unfortunately she passed away 8 weeks later.

We have 3 sons in their 20′s they are all out of house and doing okay. I think I am okay some days, but when I stop to think about it, I have a hard time. I feel I am in a dream and it is not true. I am a workaholic and just work 12 hours a day to not think about it. But I know I need help dealing with everything, my mother has alzheimers and hardly knows who I am, my sister lives 12 hours away and is 13 years older. I search internet and found this, what other groups or organizations can I turn to?

February 4, 2012 at 11:47 pm
(29) Ann Owens says:

Dearest Jan, my son, found out he has cirrhosis of his liver Feb 2010. He has suffered 2 life threatening hospital stays. But unlike your son, he did stop drinking and is sober 2 yrs later, with many health problems. Jan, from a mother, who just lost my alcoholic husband to alcohol, I can tell you, your heart will always grieve for your child, always, but the Lord will give you time that it will be less. You my dear Mom, could have done nothing but what you did, love him with all your heart. It is a disease, that he nor you could control. He now, no longer suffers. Please mom, get yourself grief counceling. & know you did everything you could have. He was taken over by the disease. Much love & prayers to you, one Mom to another. Ann

February 9, 2012 at 3:24 pm
(30) Prit says:

Michele, pls tell me the guilt / pain I feel gets easier. It is now five weeks and I am feeling so down all the time. I just want to scream and shout my husband photo asking him why he could have been so selfish as to leave a wife and children behind. I wish I had told him how much I loved him

February 10, 2012 at 9:42 pm
(31) Michele says:

Hi Prit. I think you are where you are supposed to be right now. 5 weeks is only 35 days! That’s not very long at all, and everyone grieves differently. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad, though, and I hope you are remembering to take care of yourself. If you look it up, you will find that grief comes in stages, and maybe reading about it might help you to realize you are OK. I myself believe that my husband knows how much I love him, and I can see little signs that let me know he does, too. You can see them if you look! I miss him every single day and night, but I know that if he were here, he would not be well. Try not to be too hard on yourself. And if you want to scream at the photo…do it. Don’t hold all of your feelings inside. It will get better. I promise.

February 13, 2012 at 6:04 pm
(32) Prit says:

Thanks Michele. Unfortunately apart from dreaming about my husband in the 1st week, I have had no more. I wish like you I had some signs that he is around and knows that I love him but I don’t. This week I keep crying as soon as see couples holding hands and hugging. Thanks for all your support

February 14, 2012 at 9:34 pm
(33) Michele says:

I don’t dream about my husband, very rarely in fact. I am not sure why I don’t, though. Signs I mean are just silly little things. A song on the radio, a rainbow, finding something I KNOW I have but cannot locate…It has not been long for you, so you will feel sad. Especially Valentine’s Day…ewww! I celebrated by making a heart shaped brownie with my grandson. As far as my husband goes….he always forgot anyway. On nights when you feel sad…be sad. Don’t let anyone tell you not to. It will get better.

February 15, 2012 at 10:24 am
(34) Prit says:

Michele Thanks. I feel as if you are my guardian angel seeing me thru my pain :-)

March 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm
(35) jo says:

My husband died 20 months ago.
He drank about 5 years.
Just beer.
He was never angry,
took care of us and loved us.
But he never ever admitted he had a problem,was always denying.
Even 1 minuut before he passed away in the ambulance i called against his wil,
he said he would call me as he arrives in the hospital….
He never did.
I miss him,
but not the alco
and the terrible signs(vomiting,not eating,sleeping a lot an lost a lot of weight) of his addiction….
I really tried everything,forces him to go to AA.
But it were always the others who had a drinking problem….
I feel relieved in a way,because i dont worry anymore about his health,
but feel very sas i lost him.
He was my prince,
and i very loving man!!!
This grieving is very hard,
but i am still standing,for our four kids and myself!

March 4, 2012 at 8:21 am
(36) Michele says:

I came to this page last week and was redirected…but today it worked and I am so releived! I wanted to say ‘Hi’ to Prit and thanks for the kind words. And Jo, that is exactly how I feel. I think I said that before, too. I miss my husband terribly-but not all of the stuff that came along with his addiction. It’s hard…but I have to keep going on. He has been gone for 9 months now. I am still a little bit angry but that ceases a little more each week. I am learning little by little to deal with his mom, who denied his addiction before he died and continues to do so. Tomorrow is his birthday so I am making something he would love. I hope everyone is doing as well as can be.

March 5, 2012 at 6:21 pm
(37) Michele says:

Today, March 5th, is my husbands birthday. I figure there are 3 things I could do: Try to pretend it’s just another day, spend the day being sad, or celebrate. I wouldn’t begrudge anyone’s choice because everyone is different, but I chose to celebrate. I made something that he loves and might have chosen this year for his birthday dinner, and I let my grandson pick out some cupcakes at the store. This day is eventually going to come around for everyone regardless of how their loved one died. However you choose to spend your day…you are not alone.

March 7, 2012 at 2:53 am
(38) Jo says:

Dear Michelle,
my thoughts are with you.
You are a brave woman an i realy admire you…

March 7, 2012 at 1:46 pm
(39) Michele says:

Thanks, Jo, but it seems that I am not doing anything much different than you are. So that means that you are also a brave woman! I think we will be alright.

March 13, 2012 at 6:52 am
(40) Sazzy says:

My mother died from alcoholism last month. It is something I would never wish on anyone what I saw. I saw her in Hospital after Christmas, she was horrible to me.
After her funeral,revelations were coming out of that she had always been a ‘drinker’, drank when my brother and I were children and so on. The last time I saw her in hospital she was not very nice and told me to leave. She was badly infected, her stomach swelled up because her liver had packed up, and she stopped eating. We tried for years to take her to AA, Rehab Centre, she refused. She would leave the keys in the door so we couldn’t get into the house. I had travelled 300 miles from where I lived to visit her, to be met with locked doors. Its very difficult to put into words how I feel. this has left a huge void in my life. I broke down crying recently and couldn’t describe what it was and realised as I have lost both my parents (My mother died 4 days after my 40th) and that I ‘Don’t belong’ anywhere, its a weird feeling I feel I am floating about and recently told my boyfriend, noone tells me what to do and when to do things. Mum had a control in my life, and I realised now it was the drinking that controlled me.
Mum was 66 years of age.

I know now after years of torment and the last two years of hospital admissions from shakes and blackouts/ fits/ losing her ability to walk, she is at peace now.

I am now finally marrying the man I love in 2013 – it will be a very small wedding, doe to the absence of both my parents.

March 16, 2012 at 6:44 pm
(41) jo says:

It is terrrible when you see the one you love
get sick.
You try everything to help them.
I also did very much to try to stop my husband to drink.
He kept saying everything was under control,
that he didn’t have a problem….
I still feel terrible that i could save him.
He was such a beautifull man,on the outside and on the inside.
Alcohol killed him….
He was only 46 years old……

March 30, 2012 at 1:53 am
(42) Kay says:

Daughter,49, in processing of dying from liver failure from 25 yrs. drinking..
2 rehab. programs worked for awhile . Married a great guy 8 yrs. ago–love of her life but not enough to stop drinking.
So, now the people that love her the most are having to watch her die. Me, her sister and husband. DAMM,DAMM
Of course, I look back with such guilt—I should have done more, tried harder etc…Ala-non teaches “its not your fault” but as a mother, you don’t really believe it. I keep repeating it like a montra, so maybe eventually it will help..
I would so like to run away until she dies,but i won’t
Being able to write it down helps..

April 2, 2012 at 3:51 am
(43) jo says:

Dear Kate,
i understand.
Yes,the quilt is terrible.
It still rules my days…..
Iam so sorry that you know you’re losing your daughter.
Alcoholism is such a terrible addiction.
I wish u strenght and i think about you.
This is very hard.
Big hug!

April 2, 2012 at 10:20 am
(44) Suzanne says:

My husband passed away almost 7 months ago from complications due to cirrhosis – an upper GI haemmorage. He was 52 and struggled with his disease for almost 30 years. Unlike his parents, who were also alcoholics but never admitted it, he knew he had the disease. In 2009 he turned 50 and couldn’t deal with it, so started drinking heavily. I realised after attending Al Anon meetings there was nothing I could do to help him, and I could either decide to live with him and his disease, or break my own cycle. The last time he was admitted to the hospital in September he was already bleeding to death. He died in ICU the next morning, I had stayed with him all night as he struggled to live, he told me the day before he thought he was dying but I didn’t believe him, in fact I think his poor body just couldn’t take the abuse he had done to it any more and started to break down. I told him that if it was too hard to stay with us, it was ok to leave. I truly believe that he died to give us peace from the rollercoaster ride of his alcoholism. I still can’t believe he died, sometimes it’s surreal. I lost my best friend and my true love, the father of my daughter. When he was sober he was the most wonderful loving man to both of us -but I realised that his disease changed him so much and sometimes I had felt that I was living with two people – the sober wonderful one, and the horrible drinking one. Now I know he is at peace, and his death also brought us both peace, but we miss him terribly. I have also realised that our love will never die and it comforts me.

April 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm
(45) jo says:

Dear Suzanne,
indeed,there are two persons:the sober one,and the alco.
I realise now ,more then ever,how much energy it has cost me,to
live in the middle.
Torn between love and hate….
Always hoping….
I wish you strenght in this difficult process.
I myself find it very difficult,as i experience a whole lot of emotions like:sadness,anger,fear,relief,missing my loved one…..
I went to a psychiatrist and learned to talk about it.
Big hug!

April 3, 2012 at 7:26 am
(46) widow at 27 says:

I lost my husband 3 months ago. He passed away from liver failure from alcoholism. The pain is still here and praying it will go away soon. it is very painful..

I wasnt there when he died which is another sad fact…. I always ask myself what ifs..

April 6, 2012 at 10:08 am
(47) Michele says:

It’s almost one year since my husband died, and even after all this time it seems surreal to me, too. I’ve realized that it’s so much more than a person dying when it’s someone so close. It’s the way he sipped his coffee in the morning (loudly), it’s habits and routines that I miss, it’s conversations that I miss having…etc. It’s little things that I forgot about that make me smile when I remember them. The pain has gotten better so that’s something for everyone to look forward to…and I hope you find your own peace someday. I still miss him terribly, but it doesn’t make me cry anymore. The anger that I felt for months about decisions that he made is going away and I was hoping that would happen. I don’t want to remember him with anger, I want to remember that we loved each other. If that’s where you are now, know that it is part of the healing process. I hope today finds everyone well.

April 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm
(48) Prit says:

Its been 3 months since my husband passed away, the pain which I thought would lessen get worst by the day. I miss him so much, I miss the way he used to come and give me a hug out of the blue when he was sober, I miss his smile. I miss his smell. I still cry myself to sleep every night and still can’t get rid of the guilt i feel as if I could have done more to help him stay sober. My daughter misses her dad so much and I can’t bear to see the pain in her eyes. Pls tell me how long it takes for this pain to ease. I still expect my wonderful husband to walk to the door and tell me everything will be OK

April 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm
(49) Michele says:

Oh, Prit. I’m sorry that you are still feeling so bad, but I don’t there is a ‘time’ when you will feel a little better. We know that we cannot change what has happened, all we can do is shape the way our future is going to play out. Over the years, I learned to do what I had to do when it had to be done. Sometimes, unfortunatly, my husband wasn’t much of a help. He noticed that as well. He would see ‘good thing there’s you!’…and there still is. He wouldn’t like to see me still so upset. He would like to see me doing what I had to do. When your time of greiving is lessened, you will know it. Of course your daughter is so very sad, but I bet when you start feeling a bit better-she will see that and feel better, too. I can’t help you with the guilt, though. I never felt that. I made decisions for MY life, kept OUR life going, but ultimatly he was responsible for HIS actions. I hope you are feeling well today.

April 15, 2012 at 9:01 am
(50) jo says:

Oh,Michelle,
your words hit me today(in a good way,that is),
i wrote them down in my diary and added some personal notes to them.

i made dissicions for MY life,
I chose to live a live with him when he was sober,
and chose to live without him when he was drunk.
I just did wathever i planned to do with our children,
asking him to join…
but never ever let his drinking get in our way to spend the day.
Sure felt lonely sometimes…

did me very best to keep OUR life going ,
in sober times we were a real family,
as the drinking increeded….we still stayed together,
but more living next to eachother.
That hurt,because i kept loving my husband.

And he choose to live HIS live,
and made very wrong dissicions…
and i’m confinced the alcohol made these actions for him..
And that so very sad.

But,
i just want to say,Michelle,
that your words
made me realise
that i really did my best…
i couldnt save him.

And now,there is the rest of MY life to live. ….
Trying to live…

April 19, 2012 at 11:33 am
(51) Maria says:

I just learned that the alcoholic I had lived with in the past (30 years ago) died 5 years ago. He was only 56. We loved each other so much, were well suited to each other, but his drinking ruined it all – our marriage plans, our plans for a family, a peaceful life together. When I insisted he leave our home because I couldn’t deal with the pain and the chaos anymore, he got involved with a 16-year-old girl. He married her about 5 years later but continued to call me and visit in the middle of the night. I know he was lonely and unhappy because he said he couldn’t talk to her, but she put up with the drinking. I had to change my phone number and move to get him out of my life. My heart never healed after t hat. I am married to a wonderful, loving man but I have never gotten over the abandonment and what might have been thing.

April 20, 2012 at 8:21 am
(52) Prit says:

Thanks Michele. I am still feeling low as my husband’s birthday is on Sunday and not really sure how I am going to cope. I made the choice to stay with him whether he was drunk or sober but made a bad choice when I threw him out a couple of months before he passed away and that is where the guilt comes from. My head keeps telling me if I hadn’t thrown him out he may still be alive :-(

April 26, 2012 at 7:08 pm
(53) Adrienne says:

I HAD A HUSBAND WHO HAD ASERIOUS DRINKING PROBLEM AND DIED IN NOV.2010 AND STILL HAVING A HARD TIME DEALING WITH HIS LOSS, DON`T KNOW WHO AND WHERE TO TURN TO, I`M DEPRESSED ALOT OF THE TIME AND NEED TO TALK AND HEAR OTHER PEOPLES STORIES TO HELP ME, IF YOU KNOW OF WHERE AND WHEN I WOULD GLADLY APPRECITE IT,,,THANK YOU.

April 27, 2012 at 7:10 pm
(54) Michele says:

On my husbands birthday, I made something for him that he would have liked, and my grandson picked out frosted cupcakes at the store. We had a nice dinner even though someone was missing. I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but before he died, we were NOT 100% agreeing as a couple. What he was doing was causing problems that we never got to resolve. But I know this, Prit. an argument we might have had was one that we had 100 times before and he heard it all. There was nothing new that I could have said to change his mind and that might be true for you, too. You can’t feel guilty for wanting a better life. I tried to get my husband to enjoy a better life with me, but I just didn’t work out that way. My heart may never heal, either, I’m guessing. We may have many relationships our lives, but there is always ‘that one’. There may be another one in my future though I don’t feel like that’s a possibility now, and I will be careful not to compare, but I will cherish all of the memories that I have. Adrienne, there is probably a meeting in your area-google should be able to help you find it. I find my own comfort right here, but you should find a group if it will help you.

May 5, 2012 at 5:40 pm
(55) Heidi says:

The love of my life for 19 years passed away from cirrhosis on Sunday, April 29th 2012. I never knew what cirrhosis was until March 19th, 2012 when Jeff sat up out of a deep sleep and vomited so much blood I thought I was in a horror movie. This was just the beginning of 4 911 calls. The day he passed away the Doctor said he’s what we call a 2 cat guy….with 18 lives. The more I think about how fast this all happened the more I think if I just…..
Please I beg if anyone would like to or needs to talk.
I need to talk, text or whatever with someone who has gone through this for some comfort.

May 5, 2012 at 9:38 pm
(56) Michele says:

Oh, Heidi, I’m so sorry for you. I will check back more often to see if you have posted anything. This has been such a bad week for you. That sentence ‘if I just…’ is something we have all felt or are still feeling. My story was fast like that, too. I don’t think whether it was quick or if someone was sick for a long time makes a difference. Keep posting.

May 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm
(57) jo says:

Dear Heidi,
it is a terrible thing to see the one you love dying….
I experienced the same thing.
Still feel the pain,the grief….
and anger…
I wish you strenght and peaple around you that comfort and understand you.
Big hug!

May 7, 2012 at 1:54 pm
(58) SHEILA says:

LOST MY HUSBAND APRIL 17 THIS YEAR HURTS SO BAD. I REALLY MISS HIM BEEN SICK FOR 4 YEARS . FELL BROKE HIP DOING GOOD IN HOSPITAL PUT HIM IN REHAB TO LEARN TO USE HIP DIFFERENT DOCTORS STARTED TAKING CARE OF HIM AND KILLED HIM. I ‘M SO SAD HE WANTED TO GO HOME BUT I TALKED HIM INTO GOING THERE. HE HAD END STAGE LIVER BEEN THRU A LOT SUFFERED A LOT BEING IN REHAB. OH THE REGRETS AND WHAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE

STILL HURTING AND MISSING HIM

May 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm
(59) Mare says:

It’s been over a year since my boyfriend died of cirhossis and I am still having a very hard time with it. It’s so heartbreaking,but people that have not gone thru it have no idea how bad it really hurts. If anyone wants to email or talk. Leave a message on this board and Ill get back to you. Thanks

May 19, 2012 at 6:28 pm
(60) Laurie says:

My boyfriend died May 5th from complications of liver disease. He was in ICU for 3 weeks on a ventilator and feeding tube. I had made him go to the ER because he was very ill. I never heard his voice again after I left him that night. When I came to see him the next day they were inserting the breathing tube and he was then heavily sedated. He never came out of the sedation fully. It was very hard not knowing if he would ever wake up. He opened his eyes and for a few days he could look me in the eye and shake or nod his head sometimes. I was with him when they took him off life support. He died within 3 hours. He was 60 years old and had been drinking since he was 12. He never was a mean drunk or even seemed drunk. He just always had a beer in his hand. It destroyed his life though. We were together for 6 years. The last 2 years he didn’t work. It was very stressful..He would say he was looking for jobs but never followed through. He stopped taking care of himself, slept all day and stayed up all night. all he did was drink beer. We used to have so much fun together. Traveled, talked, ate good food. He was a kind man. I am so sad. I wish I could hear his voice.

May 21, 2012 at 4:54 am
(61) Prit says:

My partner died four and half months ago and I am really struggling to come to terms with my guilt. The last six months of our lives were terrrible and i was so horrible to him as he was always after drink but I didn’t know he was going to die, if I had, I would have made sure his dying months would have been the best ever. I miss you so much my darling x

May 21, 2012 at 5:09 pm
(62) Michele says:

This time last year was the last week that I spent with my husband. And, Prit, we were also having problems, but you just can’t feel bad because you didn’t know what was going to happen. What would have been different? What would I have done? There is no sense in us starting the ‘what if’s’. All I know is that I didn’t think that today would hit me this hard, though. I even took a day off from work today because I felt so crappy. Not only am I missing my husband, but it has affected every single aspect of my life. Physical, emotional and financial. Life is a struggle now without his half being here. He made sure to give me (most of) the money he made, he knew I’d make sure things got paid, and now I’m on my own. I don’t feel guilty for this reason. I paid bills, kept our house nice, made sure he always had a great dinner after work, and tried to help him to the best of my abilities. What’s there to feel guilty about?

May 23, 2012 at 2:06 am
(63) jo says:

Dear Prit,off course you miss him…
It really takes time.Take your time and take care of all your feelings.
It took me more than 1 year to finaly admit to ALL the feelings…not just the sadness,but also the guilt an the anger.I’ve learned that it’s better to just go through them,rather than to try not to feel them….
Dear Michelle,i’m sorry you have a hard time right now.This date will always stay in your memory.I wish you strenght.
And you are so right:what is there to feel guillty about?
I’m sure that everyone who struggles with that,has really done everything possible to help our alco’s.We never stopped loviing them and did the things we did beacause at that point it was the best thing to do….With the knowledge we had at that time…we didn’t know the end was near,we just tried ti cure them….and we failed…
Dut we always LOVED them…
Big hug to all!!!!
ps:it would be nice to chat with some of you.
Anyone interessed to leave there ťmail?

May 23, 2012 at 10:39 am
(64) Prit says:

Michele, I am so sorry for the hard time you are having, you have always been the one giving me encouragement, now its my time to wish you strength.
Jo, thanks you for your comments. I really didn’t think I was feel all the emotions that I am, I thought a part of me would feel relieved that I don’t have the pressures of what is in store for the night, but relief I do not feel. You are right I did always love and still do. I tried my hardest to stop him from drinking but he didn’t think he had a problem. Guilt comes from being horrible to him and being angry all the time and not understanding the alcoholic disease.
Love to all

May 27, 2012 at 8:10 am
(65) Michele says:

Good morning friends. Todays post might be a little long. Sorry about that! Maybe I can give some insight on the future. This weekend, today specifically, marks one year that Marty has been gone. The week has really has really sucked, so I decided that I couldn’t just sit around. So…I started on ‘the basement’. ‘The basement’ is where my husband kept all of his tools, and lots of them. It’s a MESS, and I tried like hell to get it organized for a couple of years because he wanted to have a sale of things he didn’t use. You see, it was so un-organized that instead of looking for something he couldn’t find, he just bought a new one. If I brought it up in the summer, he would say it was a winter project…and vica versa. So I hauled everything outside and I am having a sale, bitching at him the whole time. He tried 100 reasons not to have to do that job…and he didn’t have to do it. I thought it would bother me more, but I was suprised. I was just struck that you work and collect all kinds of stuff when you are alive…then what? They are just worldly things. It made me think that what if something happened to me today? Who on earth is going to deal with all my stuff??? So I’m paring down. I have a head full of memories of the man that I loved, I don’t need all of these things. And I’m comforted today that whataver you beleive the afterlife is, maybe there is a celebration of ‘coming home’ for him today. Have a great weekend, my friends.

June 18, 2012 at 1:37 am
(66) jo says:

Hardly slept last night.
Kept on crying.
Kept on thinking what the hell went wrong??!!
And were exactely did it start to go wrong?
And why did he start to drink??He had everything going for him….
I don’t get any answers…
i can’t talk to him about it anymore…and
then i thougt:if he was still alive and i would ask him these questions…he wouldn’t say much…most of the time he would just say:i know,i’ll drink less,i”ll start drinking more controlles tommorow….

This date,18 june ,will stay burned in my mind:
the day he died…..
i still love him,
i still miss him…
i wish this never happened,
that he would still be here,healty,without the addiction…like the first 15 years of our marriage.

June 18, 2012 at 10:45 am
(67) Prit says:

Jo, I know exactly what you are going thru, I keep asking the same question but no answers. Yesterday was Father’s Day in the UK and my daughters cried buckets saying she wanted her dad back :-(
I get my strength from Michele’s posts and although I still cry loads and get angry at my husband for dying on me, I have to keep strong for my children. I am hoping that the pain will ease with time
Stay Strong Jo

June 19, 2012 at 9:03 pm
(68) Michele says:

Jo and Prit. I have been checking for you guys…I was getting worried! Thank you for the kinds words. Can I recommend a book? I just finished reading it and it helped me so much. The name of the book is ‘Never Letting Go: Heal Grief with Help’ and the author is Mark Anthony. This book has been so beneficial to me and I think it might be for you, too. Promise me you’ll read it! This has been an especially tough month for all of us I see. Jo, I have said the same things to myself, and I remember saying them to my husband AND getting the same answers. I also wonder why I see people he shouldn’t have been hanging around with walking around and living their lives. I am in the process of learning not to feel bitter about that. Lately, I have been remembering forgotten funny moments and things like that which make me smile-and I’m hoping it’s a healing thing. Please read the book and tell me what you think! Stay well and we’ll check in soon!

June 21, 2012 at 4:48 pm
(69) jo says:

Prit,i understand totaly,the grief i see in our childrens’ eyes hurts me even more than my own pain.
Trying to accept that our husbands will never ever come back,is very hard.
Last week someone asked me:how are you doing?Have you accepted is?
I answered:i will NEVER accept it,i’m learning to carry it with me,it’ll always stay….
Michelle,thank you ever so much for your concern.It warms my haert to read your words…
I’ll try to get the book…perhaps not so easy because i live in Belgium.
I’ll keep you informed!
And,yes,it’s difficult to see other alcoholics,witch i thought were more sick than my husband,still alive and kicking,still drinking and living their live with the addiction,….and not be bitter about it.
It is such a waste…..such a dirty dissease….

June 26, 2012 at 10:31 pm
(70) carol van says:

WOW…I am not alone. My brother died Dec 12, 2011. that day has forever changed me. I keep hearing the words from my parents…SIT DOWN! I knew something was wrong…the words YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD just ring through my head over, and over, and over. THis should not have happened. I was the one who could fix anything and everything. I was the glue for the family. I failed. I judged him…I wanted everything to be perfect again. I never knew life could be so hard as you get older. What could I have done to change him..to make him realize alcohol was not the savior he wanted. The tears still flow, the guilt still rages..people tell me only time will heal the wounds. How much more time until I stop feeling like this? If only I could have said a proper goodbye. Peace brother…I miss you.

June 28, 2012 at 8:21 pm
(71) Michele says:

Hi everyone…and hello Carol. I’m sorry for your loss, and no, you are NOT alone. I hope that you are feeling even a little better knowing that, and that reading back on these posts has helped you. Guilt must be such a hard thing to live with for you. As time goes by, you will feel better-grief is different for everyone. And I hope you know it’s not too late to say a proper goodbye. That’s what that book that I recommended is all about. I had such a horrible day yesterday-it was the kind of day that EVERYTHING you do just goes wrong, you know? So I got mad, yelled for a couple of minutes about how I shouldn’t have to do everything alone, etc…then I felt better. I recommend that! Today was much better. Up and down!

July 1, 2012 at 4:53 am
(72) anna says:

I have never gone to a forum before….. My boyfriend of 7 yrs died today…..He lived with me, and over a year ago I called his mother and sisters and told them how sick he was, They did not listen. I, too, am feeling so guilty…. I took care of him or tried until it got out of hand. He was drinking pretty much 24/7. Hiding Vodka in my back yard, lying, and telling everyone it was me…..His funeral is tuesday, and the family, blames me. I’m so conflicted as to what to do. I know the disease killed him….. Miss and love him so much………….

July 1, 2012 at 2:27 pm
(73) Michele says:

I’m sorry, Anna, about your loss. I hope you have a friend or family member to be there for you. As for his family, don’t let them get to you…though it seems hard. Of course they will blame you because it’s easier then admitting that there was a problem or that they didn’t respond to you. A lot of people have dealt with that. That is THEIR issue, Anna, not yours. You have enough to deal with so let that go. You were there to see and hear things and to live with it. Have someone go to the funeral services with you that you can count on. That might ease things for you. Do not feel guilty, either. Of course you love and miss him-that’s what we do. 7 years is a good long time to love someone!

July 4, 2012 at 9:33 am
(74) Prit says:

Anna, I have been where you are being blamed for my husbands death to the extent of being told that I should be happy that he is dead. Six months to the date/time today that my husband passed away, I am having just a tough time accepting that he has gone, I keep expecting him to walk thru the door but that is never going to happen! I wish the pain would just go but something creeps in to make the pain worse than it was in the beginning. Sometimes, I feel I am having a bad dream and will wake up to my husband lying next to me. I just wish I knew why the drink was so important which took his life, I wish I could tell him just once that I love him more than life. Only those who have lost a loved one can understand our pain.

July 4, 2012 at 5:39 pm
(75) Michele says:

One year later, and I am learning a lot of things from my 5 year old grandson, of all people. He and Grampa were very close. He talks a lot about “remember when me and Grampa…” or “This one time me and Grampa…” (which if you have a 5 year old around turns into a LONG story). If I say I miss grampa, he reminds me that he can still here us and says ‘I love you’. So, I do that, too.

July 5, 2012 at 1:55 am
(76) Dee says:

Its been over three years since my husband of 40yrs past away from alcoholism. He suffered for two years before I lost him. I watch three top surgeons struggle to hold on to him and in the end I had to make the decision to let him go. I was told he never could have a liver transplant now and that he was suffering greatly. I look back so often and wonder if I could of done anything different. I remember struggling to get through to him. I was waiting for something to happen to him to shock him into seeing the obvious. He had a successful career and was so smart. I thought how can he be so smart and successful and their be a problem with his drinking? I never saw him sick in the mornings ever. I had him go in for a liver test and it was fine. Little did I know that the liver was so bad at the time that it couldn’t give out any readings, Especially if the doctor was lied to.Then one morning out of nowhere he threw up blood. He never had a chance to rehab, never had a chance to be intelligent again. That quick ,that fatal, that unexpected. He was scared and I could see in his eyes he knew he had destroyed his life but it was to late for the both of us. If only people could be told that it may not be like in the movies or like some rock stars that get second chances…some don’t and theirs no going back! God I miss him so much!

July 18, 2012 at 12:45 am
(77) Kathleen says:

Hi everyone,

I am so glad I have found you as I lost my 48 year old brother Tom to the terrible disease of Alcoholism on June 11, 2012. He was beautiful on the inside and the outside. I can relate to all you have written here. How much energy it takes to live through this disease with a loved one until when they finally die. The emotions while they are alive of anger, fear, sadness, missing them when they are drunk and then in the past year while I watched my brother go down. I yelled at him once and said, “Why don’t you just get it over with!” I am thankful those weren’t the last words I said to him. The end went as good as it could have. I was able to apologize for yelling at him on the Sunday before he died. I had said all there was to be said during the 25 year battle he had with Alcoholism. In the end I said, “I feel like your giving up hope” I felt this sense of urgency. He had always helped us around our home, keeping things in working order, he loved coming here and loved our home. It sounds crazy but I said, “you have to come and see my new Kcup coffee maker”. He loved coffee so much and we always joke about my other coffee maker than you needed a college degree to figure out. So the end of March he came and stayed with us for 10 days. I could see the toll the disease was taking on him. And he shook so bad. But we stayed up late to go through old pictures. He had always wanted to organize some old Wrestling pictures from High School so we soaked the ones that were sticking together in water and separated them and I put them in a photo album and dated them. I said, “They are now here for future generations, Tom” he looked so relieved. He laid on the family room floor and looked up to the ceiling and said, “I love this house” He had said this many times before.

July 18, 2012 at 12:49 am
(78) Kathleen says:

And he did. I was in the parking lot of a grocery store when he called me on Monday June 11th. I apologized for yelling at him the day before and said something I had never said before, “Just remember this, “every time you take a drink the abusers win.” I was grasping for straws but that is the way I felt. He had been so abused as a kid and so was I…alcohol was his way of dealing with it. And his last words to me were, “Hmmmmmmmmm, well you can call me anytime you want if you want.” I paused as I thought that was so odd. When he was sober we talked sometimes 3 times a day. And I said, O.K. Tom I’ll talk to you later. I tried calling him on Tuesday, no answer and on Wednesday morning his roommate found him. The coroner said he thinks he passed shortly after he spoke with me. He got up and fell back down on the bed. This is a brain disease and I could see there was no hope unless he had checked himself in for a very long time. He needed a year at this point, but there was no money, insurance nothing, he had been in sober living houses, rehab, AA, counseling but he really didn’t have the proper medication he needed for his bi-polar. He was just done, I know that now, he was done and I have to say I don’t blame him. I understand what that feels like to be done because I said those exact words to him in the past year. I said, “Tom I’m just done, I’ve got nothing left” Because as all of you know, after living with this disease for years like we both had as both our parents were Alcoholics we were both done. And as so many of you have described the emotions of what it feels like when a loved one dies of Alcoholism it’s a wide range which includes relief.

July 18, 2012 at 12:50 am
(79) Kathleen says:

Relief that at least the fear of when that death call is going to come in has come already, at least I don’t have to have that fear anymore. But I miss him like crazy. We would talk into the night when he was sober, he was funny, he got me like no one else. He was physically strong and I felt protected when I was with him and his heart was huge. I’m so glad to read that one of you still misses your Alcoholic loved one but you don’t cry anymore. I want to get to that point because to cry everyday for the rest of my life would just be too much. I now know that yes absolutely the Alcoholic does have the choice to get help to treat the disease but I also understand how difficult the journey is. I have a difficult time enough staying away from sugar and I cannot imagine what it must be like to be addicted to Alcohol. The resources are not fully there for some and I think there should be walks for families of Alcoholism. There are walks for so many diseases but not this one because it still is the disease of will power and shame. Thanks for listening! My heart goes out to you and all the pain you have suffered.

July 18, 2012 at 12:54 am
(80) Kathleen says:

I am so sorry for being so long winded. I tried to cut and paste all of my LONG story but it didn’t work out so well so I didn’t get all I had written in and it’s messed up. But hopefully you get the idea:) Thanks for listening!

July 18, 2012 at 1:07 am
(81) Kathleen says:

Please insert this last paragraph in between 77 and 78. Sorry!

We went through family pictures and talked about them. It was exhausting but I think we both knew the end was coming. When he left my house I encouraged him to visit a old sponsor in California in which he did, he was sober for two weeks. He was able to visit my son Ryan at a new job he has gotten at a movie production company while there. He told him how proud of him he was. His sponsor had offered him to stay and take care of his vacation beach houses. Instead he came back here to die. He called me and said, “I’m home” My heart sank. I said, “Why!?” he said because ” I wanted to come home to celebrate our birthdays” I said, “Bull, that’s bull, you came back home to drink!” And so he did. On the Sunday before he died, he called me and said he was having difficulty breathing even though he didn’t sound like he was. His neighbor said she couldn’t tell that but he looked terrible, pale and told him he needed to go to the Dr. Instead he went to his bedroom where I knew he was going to die and drank one and half gallons of vodka. That is what was found in his bedroom. I had always told him that he was going to die before 50 and he would die in that bedroom if he didn’t take his recovery seriously.

July 26, 2012 at 7:41 pm
(82) Michele says:

Hi Kathleen…don’t worry about writing too much, and I’m sorry for the loss in your life, and you can really see that we have such different stories but they are so much the same. At least you got to tell him what you needed to, and have so many happy memories. The walks for alcoholism is a really good idea, but just like you said, there is so much stigma attached to alcohol and drug use. I hope today find you well.

July 31, 2012 at 1:30 am
(83) Kathleen says:

Hi Michele!

Thank you so much for your support it means so much. Yes, all of us here on this page have experienced the devastation that the disease of Alcoholism does to our families. The only way to have hope for healing is to continue to talk about it and take the “willpower” stigma away from this disease because if it was just about willpower so many wouldn’t be dying of it. And the shame has to be taken out of the disease as well because this is another reason why the Alcoholic doesn’t get help. They would rather die than deal with the shame, sadness and guilt.

July 31, 2012 at 1:35 am
(84) Kathleen says:

I would like to start a group on facebook for those of us who would like to come to talk about their loved ones who have passed from Alcoholism. If your interested please friend me there at Kathleen Callahan DeCaneva and then when I start getting names I can get the group started.

August 1, 2012 at 10:43 pm
(85) Muffin3602 says:

I too lost my dear sweet nephew at 49. His mother was an alcoholic who got diagnosed with cirrhosis in 1995 and stopped drinking and is still here so I don’t think he took his diagnosis seriously. And his son died at 21 ans a divorce followed, estrangement from his 2 daughters and basically everyone turned their backs on him. I feel so bad that he was so sick throwing up daily and short of breath etc and then died alone in his bedroom. I’m never going to forget how these people treated him. No one wants to be an alcoholic.

August 1, 2012 at 11:48 pm
(86) Kathleen says:

Hi Muffin,
I’m sorry you lost your nephew to Alcoholism also. It is a terrible disease and it is horrible how some people treat Alcoholics. Sure there are some Alcoholics that are not good people just like in any disease but most are such good people with big hearts. I don’t think it’s that your nephew didn’t take his diagnosis seriously, I just think some can’t heal from this disease as in any disease some make it some don’t. Yes, if they stopped drinking they could heal but I just believe that it’s impossible for some to stop. My brother died alone too in bed. He had thrown up and and bowel issues for years. Of course he didn’t want to live like that but he had tried everything, rehab, AA, therapy, antidepressants etc.. And nothing stuck for him. And your right muffin. NO ONE WANTS TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC.

August 3, 2012 at 5:24 am
(87) Tara says:

Hi. I’m sorry to write this post but I’d like some advice from those who have actually had to live day to day with the pain of alcoholism and what they need (or don’t need) from others when people die.
Today I’m thinking of going to the funeral of an old and (except at the end) good friend of 15 years who died last week from alcoholism in her early 40s. She’d been in a pretty terrible state for at least 6 years. I’ve struggled as to whether I should attend as I feel tremendously guilty for letting her and her family down when i stopped seeing her two years ago when she relapsed again after another re-hab. I had supported her for a good couple of years quite well visiting her very regularly when she was drinking and visited her in re-hab and trying to support her recovery. The last time I went round to see her was very bad and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just didn’t call her again (she also didn’t call me) and I’ve felt guilty everyday but I found it tremendously traumatic and as days turned into weeks I was just too embarrassed that I’d left it so long/scared/helpless and gutless to make contact. Her husband and her daughter were obviously in the full-time position and they lived with it 24/7 and I feel terrible that I couldn’t bring myself to see her or contact her when I only had to dip in and out of the situation. Her husband called me last week to say she’d died and texted me with the funeral arrangements last night. So, basically, I’ve struggled as to whether I should show my face at the funeral as a friend who abandoned her and her family. It’s not my grief and I don’t want to impose myself on a funeral. I realise this isn’t about me and I certainly don’t intend to try and get ‘forgiveness’ if I go – I’m not without sensitivity. I just intend to sit quietly, say how sorry I am and demonstrate that she was loved by others. Please dont think I’m feeling sorry for myself and making this about me but I just don’t know the right thing to do.

August 3, 2012 at 2:33 pm
(88) tina says:

I think i would go-she was a friend of yours at one point.I know I would regret it if didn’t go.

August 3, 2012 at 3:11 pm
(89) tina says:

I would go if it was me.she was a friend of yours at one point-I know I would regret it if I did’nt go.x

August 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm
(90) tina says:

I would go to her funeral-she was a friend of yours at one time-I know I would regret it if I didn’t go.

August 13, 2012 at 3:25 am
(91) Dee says:

The same thing happened when my husband died. His best friend and mine couldn’t be part of his final decline. I to this day wonder why he wasn’t their for me when I needed him. I wasn’t the alcoholic I was a widow of one. I needed him he was the familiar. Someone close that shared my husbands life. I needed that or an explanation. I would of understood his feelings of any kind. To walk away leaves the grieved to think you just don’t care. I felt betrayed and confused at a time when life is hard enough. I now think of him as a coward. Yet it sounds like you were there through so much. Feelings are huge with alcoholism you have the right to be worn out through the process. Don’t deny them the familiar you represent. Something left that is part of the good of what once was.

August 24, 2012 at 10:36 pm
(92) Kathleen says:

Hi Dee,
You are so right…The emotions of Alcoholism and loosing someone to this disease are huge. I’m sorry your friends were not there for you. And your also right that the process of loosing a loved one to Alcoholism is exhausting. I watched my brother struggle throughout his 48 year old life. Going in and out of hope each time he started in AA, rehab, sober living houses, counseling etc. In the end, the last couple of years I started to loose hope as I could see him giving up hope. If we are going to truly accept Alcoholism as a disease we have to accept that some make it and some don’t just like Cancer, some go for Chemo, radiation and then live long lives and the same for Alcoholism. Like my brother, he tried it all and none of the treatments work. He couldn’t beat it. I can relate to how you feel about needing people in your life that knew the Alcoholic. That is so important. If it were not for my husband I wouldn’t have anyone helping me through this as friends are just not able to give me what I need. It’s horrible.

August 24, 2012 at 10:39 pm
(93) Kathleen says:

Hi Dee,
You are so right…The emotions of Alcoholism and loosing someone to this disease are huge. I’m sorry your friends were not there for you. And your also right that the process of loosing a loved one to Alcoholism is exhausting. I watched my brother struggle throughout his 48 years he was alive. Going in and out of hope each time he started in AA, rehab, sober living houses, counseling etc. In the end, the last couple of years I started to loose hope as I could see him giving up hope. If we are going to truly accept Alcoholism as a disease we have to accept that some make it and some don’t just like Cancer, some go for Chemo, radiation and then live long lives and the same for Alcoholism. My brother tried it all and none of the treatments worked for him. He couldn’t beat it. I can relate to how you feel about needing people in your life that knew the Alcoholic. That is so important. If it were not for my husband I wouldn’t have anyone helping me through this as friends are just not able to give me what I need. It’s horrible.

August 26, 2012 at 6:57 am
(94) jo says:

Its been 800 days that i lost my husband.
And i struggle a lot with the anger.
Anger towards him.
Anger towards the diseaese.
Anger towards faith.
I started running a few weeks ago.
And while i run,
i can ventilate:i scream,i stamp….
It does help me.
But there doesn’t a day go hy,
that i don’t feel sad.
And helpless….
And angry…
And quilty…
I find this grieving very,very hard.
I sometimes wished he just got an accident,or cancer….
That woulde be easier,
because i think then you
don’t struggle with anger….

August 27, 2012 at 2:24 am
(95) Kathleen says:

Hi Jo,
I understand your anger as I have it also. But I do not think the anger would be any less if a Alcoholic would have died another way. When anyone looses a loved one for any reason there is anger. Perhaps for some loosing a loved one to Alcoholism we feel that the Alcoholic could have done something like simply just stopped drinking. The only problem with that is it’s not true. For some Alcoholics it’s just not possible, there are some that have tried everything like my 48 year old brother but nothing stuck. I now see that it didn’t matter, he was going to die of Alcoholism just as all of us die of something. It’s been 2 months since my brother died. Am I angry, absolutely! I’m angry that I lost my brother too soon, there was so much more living to do but do I blame him anymore, no. I am just so damn sad that he is not here, healthy. There were times over the years that he had hope and so did I that he was going to beat this disease but then there was a turning point after living with me for 5 months of sobriety and walked out I knew it was the beginning of the end for him.

August 27, 2012 at 3:37 pm
(96) Spent says:

Six years. Hello everyone, I hope this forum will help me. After reading all these comments, oh how I feel for every one of you. My husband died six years ago and I feel worse – not better. I found this forum because I googled “PTSD after death of alcoholic spouse”.

I am scared. Scared that I am in a full blown depression. Scared that my family/friends/neighbors are going to see the inside of my house and have me committed. Scared that I never know when I’m going to have an image of my husband break into my thoughts and cause me to lose it in public. One image of him that never leaves me alone is him in the hospital bed days before his death, twisting in the restraint straps, asking me to help him get the sheets untangled. Another image: him holding onto a parking meter, swaying, trying not to fall drunk into the street. So many images…they dont stop. His body so filled with poison that we had to have a closed casket.

He had 114 days sober before he died. He knew he wouldnt make it in time for a liver transplant. God its such an awful way to die, why csnt I move on??

August 27, 2012 at 3:59 pm
(97) Spent says:

I just read over 90 comments. I truly feel for every one of you…SIX YEARS since my husband died of “septic shock due to cirrhosis”. I’m scared that I will never move on. I found this page when I did a search to see if the death of an alcoholic spouse can trigger PTSD in the surviving spouse? So many images I cannot erase from my mind. Every part of my life is being affected…why can some get past this and others cannot?

August 27, 2012 at 4:02 pm
(98) Spent says:

sorry…my first time posting..thought I lost post.

August 27, 2012 at 11:21 pm
(99) Kathleen says:

Hi Spent,
I’m sorry your husband died from this horrible disease. And I’m sorry you had to endure watching him die in such agony. I hate this disease. The day after my brother died I was walking through the alcohol section of the store and I wanted to swipe all the bottles off the shelves in anger. I recommend grieve counseling with a therapist who is also has a full understanding of the disease. You deserve to find joy and peace in your life.

August 28, 2012 at 8:17 am
(100) Spent says:

Hi Kathleen, thanks for your feedback. I only went twice in the beginning and I don’t think the therapist really delved into how much my husband’s drinking impacted our life together. I will look into it again; someone just gave me the name of a therapist who comes highly recommended.

Two years after my husband’s death, I stumbled on an essay called “The Laziness of Grief”. Whew!, I thought, so this is normal…four years later nothing has changed. It is sad to think that for so many of us, our ‘normal’ is anything but. Wonder how many of us here on this forum grew up in a family where a parent was an alcoholic. I never made the connection before; recently I over analyze everything & wonder how I didn’t see it then.

I need to go back thru these comments – someone was good enough to advise a book they thought wonderful and helpful…I’ll look for it today.
I am thankful all of you shared something so personal – it’s good to know we are not alone in this.

September 4, 2012 at 5:40 am
(101) Priti says:

Its 8 months today that my husband died of the horrible disease but the pain is still as raw as it was on the day he passed away. People tell me the time is a great healer but after reading Spent’s story, I am not so sure anymore. I just wish I could look ahead but I seem to been stuck in a dead end road. Michele hope you are doing well

September 5, 2012 at 7:16 pm
(102) Spent says:

Priti, I am sorry for your loss and what you are going thru, but please don’t use me as a barometer of what to expect in your own grieving process. There are others here who did go forward with their lives…I hope you will see in their stories the inspiration that I am seeking as well.

Sometimes I think part of my psychological makeup includes being geared toward a substance abuser…I don’t know. I wonder if that’s really all I’ve ever known – the familiar and normal for me was being in the presence of hard drinkers….maybe I never learned how to live outside the shadow of that? I know one thing is certain: I DO NOT want this half-life I’ve been living. Surely God wants more for me than this.

Eight months for you is still very recent. The few widows I opened up to all said the same thing: They never get over it; but they do learn to live with it. I saw someone early on for counseling. He is a priest who knew my husband. He asked me what I thought my husband would say to me now if given the chance. My response came without hesitation: “You are not the one who died.”

So I guess no matter how long it takes each of us individually, we all walk this same path, one step at a time. I will check back here and hope to hear you are healing and getting stronger. It is a gift I hope to receive as well.

September 7, 2012 at 6:45 pm
(103) Prit says:

Spent, thank u for ur kind words. I hope in time I will learn to live with my loss and wouldn’t wish the pain we are going thru on anyone. I just wish I tried to understand that my husbands drink problem was a disease but instead all I did was make matters worse by fighting with him and telling him that the drink would win and take his life. I always felt I was competing with the drink and it finally won. I would have been much happier if he had an affair but I always felt the drink was his first luv rather than me. All the best and here is wishing we will all get stronger and can look ahead rather than dwelling in the past

September 7, 2012 at 11:34 pm
(104) grieving widow says:

I lost my husband this week, he laid in his apartment alone for 2 days dead. We tried so hard to help him but it never worked. Will the guilt ever go away? Why did he push us away, I will never forgive him for this.

September 8, 2012 at 2:15 am
(105) Kathleen says:

Hi Grieving Widow,
I am sorry you lost your husband. Anger is a normal part of grieving. Your husband pushed you away because he had the disease of Alcoholism and was very sick. There is nothing you could have done so there is no reason to feel guilty. If we are to accept Alcoholism as a disease we must also treat it like we would any other disease. In the end I could see the disease had taken hold of my brother and wasn’t going to let go. He had tried everything. AA, rehab, counseling etc. Most Alcoholics also have depression some mild but many have un diagnosed bi polar. It is especially difficult for them because they have to constantly battle the chemical imbalance in the brain which cannot just be “willed” away. As with all other diseases, some make it and some don’t. Some Cancer patients go through radiation, chemo and make but some don’t. The same applies with the disease of Alcoholism. In time you will forgive him but it is important you go through all the anger. Think of it this way, if your husband had Cancer and died would you forgive him? I wish healing and I wish you peace. And I also hope to see you on my facebook page that I listed in the post above!

September 10, 2012 at 6:18 am
(106) magda says:

today is 10 weeks and 2 days since my son passed away. he was 30 years old and heavy alcoholic for many years. It started from being bullied in high school, called names and physically attacked by bullies. He got in with group of kids who did not judge him for his looks or family financial status. they were the party kids. Finally he belong somewhere…
15 years of alcohol and drugs , suffering physical and emotional pain, recovery. he was sober for16 months, relapse, and I got the phone call. My son, my only child is dead. I am still waiting for autopsy results. The pain -well only mother who lost child can understand. And reading what other people post, I don’t have to explain the guilt. I like to die now to be with my son, who I fail to protect. In his 16 months of sobriety he did more then other people in life time. He help many people get sober, find a job reunite with families , and for 10 weeks I keep getting tank you notes and calls about it, why don’t I care, there is nothing to ease my pain, and I think if he can not live, I do not need to be happy or pain free ever, I died the day when he did.

September 10, 2012 at 3:41 pm
(107) Nan says:

My son passed away…all the associated symptoms of alcoholism…he did so try to beat it…I am broken and broken hearted…all the “what if’s” and questions unanswered….

September 11, 2012 at 12:15 am
(108) Kathleen says:

Magda and Nan,

I am so sorry you both lost your sons to this terrible disease. I understand the feeling of not wanting to live. My heart goes out to you both.

September 22, 2012 at 10:30 am
(109) Michele says:

It has been a while since I have been here. I’m sad to see many more new names-there is only one reason to be here-but I am happy that they have found their way here where there is understanding.
My husband has been gone for 1 year and 5 months now, so I have been through the seasons, each one brings so many memories. I have learned to take the BEST of those memories instead of letting them get the best of me.
Fall is our favorite season, and my husband would make a grand production of choosing which sweatshirt to wear on the first chilly morining, and he would be expecting a pumkin pie that night to go with it! Silly traditions…but they were ours, and I WILL make that pie…as I do every year. I am also an evening student, and we had a plan. I work and go to school so I can get my degree so we could move where we wanted to live-and I am doing it. Would he want me to give up on things we planned to do? Absolutely not. Would he want to see me living a sad life? Same answer, and I’m not letting him down. I have friends that are so eager to introduce me to single friends, but I have no problem telling them that I am not ready for that-and I’m not sure that I ever WILL be…and for now that’s OK.
My point is that I am still alive! My husband was sick and in pain, and now he is not. His spirit is healing and his pain is gone. How could I not rejoice in that? And I tell him that, too, and I believe he is aware of that. However you choose to greive, and I went through my sadness last year, know that you are not alone and there is no one way.

September 25, 2012 at 10:23 am
(110) jo says:

Hei Michelle,
so glad you wrote here again.
Sure missed you.
Yeah,eacht season is packed with memories.
Good ones,and sad ones.
We all have to find our own way trough this grief.
I admire you for going to work ŗnd te school.
I made the same dissicion a few months ago.
I want to devellope,myself ŗnd my live with the kids.
Iwant them to take an example of me,
not to give up and to always try to learn more.
I suppose i am really moving forward,although i used to hate it
when others gave me the same advice in the beginning of the grievingprocess.
I can leave a lot of the sadness and the anger on the track where i run.
It really helps me a lot,just running,not thinking….
Sort of:letting go.
My kids recently told me the are very proud of me,
for going back to school and doing sports.
I am thankfull for that.
Me too,i dont want another man on my side.
I still love my husband very much,and that is also ok for now.
I’m sure he’s proud too,to see we indeed are “moving forward”.
Big hug

October 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm
(111) Michele says:

That’s awesome, Jo! Good for you!! I remember when feeling a little better was far away. We will have to keep each other posted on our truimphs!

October 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm
(112) Michele P says:

I lost my sister 6 days ago to the horrible drink, she was just 43 & I am 41. I’m so sad I miss her so much, the night time phone calls and texts run through my heart making me so angry at myself for ignoring for the past 4 or 5 months. Then I started listening to her friends and my other family members left behind and realize we had all gotten to the point where we were ignoring when we couldn’t handle her anger anymore that in ways we were all supporting when we could. Time and time again I hear her friends say shed said she felt alone, or she was alone, nobody loved her, nobody cared, she even told a friend at work she had no family!!! I’m so sad omg why didn’t talk to her more why didn’t I spend more time with her. I’m so freaking sick with regret and sadness!!! I hate this pain it’s so deep and so forcefully there!!

October 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm
(113) tina says:

I understand the anger&regret that you didn’t do more to help, I think all of us that lose our loved ones to alcoholism feel this along with guilt.My partner of 16yrs died 3mths ago age 50(his father was also an alcoholic so possibly in his genes).The guilt seems to consume me,you see I just know he would be here now if only I’d given him more of my time.I must be so selfish to not have been able to do anything to help him.I should have made his life so wonderful that he wouldn’t want
to drink.I nagged him too much at petty little
things like not helping me enough with the kids.Why didn’t I give him an incentitive to keep off the drink-I could have promised him a weekend away every say 6 months that he’d remain sober.I know he could do it,he’d never have returned to the bottle if I hadn’t told him on that New years eve could he stay at his flat that night&to phone me the next day.I mean what was I thinking-he was a recovering alcoholic for God sake.I should have cherished every moment with him.Now all that I have
left is a grave that I visit&lay flowers to try to ease my guilt.If your alcoholic is still alive please hug them one more time tonight&tell them again that you love them&please do not take them for granted as you do not know
how long they have left with you.Do not wait until they are dead to tell your loved ones how much you love by writing words on a marble slab,tell them now when they are alive&they can rejoice them.x

things like not helping me enough with the kids.why didn’t I even take one hour of my time each day to help him-I could have o things like not helping enough.why didn’t I give him more incentitive

October 18, 2012 at 9:53 am
(114) Prit says:

The guilt/regret is the worse thing we have to deal with when we lose a loved one. I nagged my husband when he drank and saying things like I wish he wasn’t in my life. I didn’t really mean that, I was just so angy but today I am left with the guilt that my husband died thinking I didn’t love him when I loved him with all my heart and thought that tough love would bring him to his senses but it didn’t instead it killed him as he turned to the drink more. RIP my darling

October 18, 2012 at 12:21 pm
(115) Michele p says:

It’s just so tragic us all sitting around the world mourning our loved and adored friends, family members, sisters, brothers, sons & daughters, husbands and even wives. It’s just so sad it makes me wanna say we are being pathetic about it!! I fight in my head with this exact issue; am I being normal by wishing I would’ve, could’ve, should’ve etc. or am I being selfish again by stroking my feelings of just flat out missing her and turning it into something about me? Because in all reality if my dear so freaking missed sister with the talent of turning silver and gold into beautiful jewelry would have done more for herself I wouldn’t be on this forum searching for an answer to the ever vigilant and constant WHY!! I am angry and sad and just confused!! I told her this past Christmas when she turned down the offer from me to spend the night with us and her name sake/god daughter and her 2 sweet and wonderful nefews on Christmas Eve and day that this Christmas 2012 my family was going to have Christmas in her little apartment! It was going to be her Christmas this year, we were going to put up a tree at her place and have dinner with her (she was such a wonderful chef with an amazing palate) read Christmas stories and Santa would come to her place!! I wanted her to know all the way to her heart how much I love and admire her but damn it, to little to freaking late right!! Such a pathetic stupid offer when I should’ve packed my damn Christmas up right then and there and spent the night with her!! I failed her I lost her and I am sitting her kicking myself for in my head I’m making it about me all over again.

October 19, 2012 at 5:05 pm
(116) Michele p says:

Today it’s been 7 days and I found a deleted voice message from my sister apparently I deleted it without listening back on sept 25!! I failed her on her death bed!! She asked me to leave a note before I leave do people don’t worry about me and she actually said I need you to sign my 5 wishes so when I die you’ll have to sign something!!! I don’t even know what she ment and damn I spent the remaining weeks of her life thinking she didn’t want me there when there was the messages asking me to!!! I’m so devastated and sick with myself!

October 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm
(117) Michelep says:

8 days, starting to deal better. Being outside the first part of the day really helped!! Gotta remember there are so many people who love me and my family I need to focus on being alive. As my husband said we’re either going to get busy living or get busy dying which one did I want? I want to live! I want to see my kids grow up, get married, have babies! I want to be a grandma, great aunt and celebrate 50 years of marriage!! I want to sit on the front porch with my husband and yell at kids to get off our lawn, that we’ll be meticulous about while living with our daughter driving her and her family up the wall lol. There is so many reasons to live and that’s what I choose….what do you choose?

November 11, 2012 at 3:08 am
(118) Stave says:

My boyfriend of 7 years past away 6days ago, i know it just happen but i still keep feeln like its a dream and i just wanna wake up from it. My story is different in the way that i had tried yo seperate myself from my love and started,to see someone new, i came back to him within theer last 3 weeks. Tho i know that he was an alcoholic and very sick i am going thru the what if, like did i break his heart to where he,just decided to stop fightn… I feel like screamin. I was with him on the way to hospital until he took his last breath 7 days later. But i cant seem to find comfort all i do is sleep and cry.

November 13, 2012 at 10:37 am
(119) Caye says:

I’ve been reading a lot of online posts from young widows, but didn’t really connect with them until I read these. My husband died 1 month ago at the age of 39 from anoxic encephalopathy due to alcohol and drug intoxication (or brain damage after his heart stopped). BUT the real cause of death was overdosing on pills and booze. We had a great day…had lunch with our 3 1/2 year old twin boys and played in our pool. I noticed he had once again drank too much and took too many pills, so we all came in to rest. He laid down on the floor with a wet swimsuit on, fell asleep and started snoring. He had done this hundreds of times before, but this time was different. I carried our kids upstairs to their rooms after they fell asleep and when I came back downstairs to ask him to come to bed – he wasn’t breathing! Though paramedics got his heart going again, he had too much damage to his brain. He passed away 1 day later. Though it happened suddenly, I admit it wasn’t unexpected. I had warned him for years that he was killing himself and my fears of finding him not breathing some morning. Now I live with a roller coaster of emotions from guilt, to sadness, to anger, to even relief – which then makes me feel quilty again. I miss my best friend, my husband, my business partner and my boy’s daddy! The worst of all is knowing that he DID NOT want it this way. We were together for 18 years and he battled some form of addiction always. He wanted to be okay, but just couldn’t seem to get there. I feel like I enabled him to live this way because I took care of everything, covered up his addictions and really felt like he would eventually be able to stay sober. I had one relative tell me that “Some people are just wired differently.” I guess I just never really understood, I wish I could have. I still don’t.

November 15, 2012 at 10:20 pm
(120) elena says:

why does it stop here…I was really hoping for some help!!

November 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm
(121) jo says:

Dear Caye,
it’s like reading my own story….
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Its terrible when your worst fear becomes the truth.
I’m sure you warned him enough,as we all did….
and yes:he didn’t want this either.
It”s such a waste….
Alcoholism(as many other addictions) is a disease that makes it very difficult for the patient to sťť the problem.
Denying is a large part of it.
The emotions are so hard:sadness,anger,quilt,relief….
Take your time……..And read,read as much as you can.
It sure helped me understand what alcoholism is all about.
People that haven’t lived with an alco,don’t understand at all.
You’ve come to the right place here…we DO understand!
Big hug to you and the twins!

November 16, 2012 at 10:31 pm
(122) Michele says:

I’m sorry for your loss, Stave. I hope you are feeling a little better, but it has not been that long. Remember that grief is different for everyone. Caye, I can see my story in yours as well. I felt the same way about enabling. But when it’s your family and your love, we don’t see it that way do we? In a few weeks, my husband will be gone for a year and a half, but there is still emotion there. And whoever told you that some people are just wired different…was so right. My husband was 99% awesome guy, 1% addiction. That 1% sure seemed bigger at times, though, and it wound up winning. One thing I do know is we will be OK.

November 18, 2012 at 11:41 am
(123) Caye says:

It’s been 5 weeks today. I feel irritable and angry. I’m starting to have strange dreams about him now. Last night I dreamed I was yelling at him and he didn’t say anything. He just stood there quietly and took it. For the first month I mostly felt numb and like he’d just gone away, but would be back again. Now it’s starting to feel more real.

November 26, 2012 at 3:58 pm
(124) Stave says:

Ok so this was my first Thanksgiving without my big lug as I use to call him. I am feeling so sad and angry, I want this just to be a dream and someone come wake me up. His family packed all his stuff up and boxed after only one week that we buried him. Im so angry because had I married him as he wished than yhey could not have done as they did and just packed it up after a week, he asked me many times to marry him but I didnt want to be left a widow nor left to fight for material stuff but……aaaa im so hurt its been 3 weeks but it feels like forever,since I touched him.

December 2, 2012 at 5:16 pm
(125) Michele says:

Well, Caye, it’s only been 5 weeks! I had dreams like that too, only mine weren’t in the beginning-mine are the last couple of months. Since anger is normal, it’s just coming out in the dream if you’re not feeling it already. If you do, though, remember that it’s normal. I am smack dab at a year and a half. Since he was a carpenter, we spent much time at a home improvement story nearby. I had to go there today. Who cries at a home improvement store? This girl. Remember, Stave, that everyone grieves differently. I don’t know the circumstances of his family, but could that have been their way of dealing with it? And don’t be so hard on yourself. You didn’t want to be left a widow you say, but also that ‘if you married him as he wished…’. You probably don’t want anyone to tell you that your instincts were right on-but they were. YOU are OK. Things are just things. I watched a show about mediums not long ago (I love those), and a medium picked a lady out of a crowd and said ‘Do you have all of your grandmothers furniture stuffed in you house?’ The lady said she did. The medium asked ‘and there is too much stuff in your house and you don’t know what to do?’ The lady answered yes again. The medium said ‘your grandmother said to get rid of it! It’s only stuff! I’m not using it!’ I love that.

December 12, 2012 at 8:18 pm
(126) Anon2 says:

My ex-boyfriend (we parted six years ago) was an alcoholic for many years before we met. He stopped drinking at my insistence for the first 18 months of our relationship. Once he started drinking everything fell apart and chaos ruled the day for years. He died of acute liver failure/cirrhosis of the liver a few days ago. I hestiated to attend the memorial service fearing the family would blame me for his death. I am a lifelong teetotaller who had tried, moved heaven and earth, to stop his drinking. The family were in denial to some extent, and also enablers of this charming and affable man’s intense 10-12 pints of beer per day drinking habit which had been going on before and after our time together. Hearing of his death through the grapevine, I tentatively called the ex-wife of his brother to offer condolences and ask what had happened….only to be told that ‘I had brought enough pain into the family’ (read I am responsible for the man’s death). I was then hung up on. The chaos this man brought into my life and the turmoil and pain of dealing with his drinking (rolling his unconscious body onto his stomach so he wouldn’t choke on his vomit when he passed out drunk, etc. Smelling the urine on him when he had peed himself drunk (others on this site write of similar experiences)…and yet, somehow the family is managing to blame me – who had struggled and fought against the disease and been so injured by it in so many ways. I know they are heartbroken at his death but this doesn’t lessen the insult and sense of complete wrong it is to blame me. Makes his death as bad as his life.

December 22, 2012 at 1:37 pm
(127) Michele says:

It’s sad that you have to deal with that, too, so…don’t. That is THEIR issue, not yours. I don’t have to deal with that (and I’m sorry that you have to), but if I was faced with it I would choose not to. You did what you could for him and offered your condolences. They might see that they enabled him or they choose not to see and blame someone else and that happens to be you. I hope you find peace with yourself. You deserve it!

December 31, 2012 at 9:51 pm
(128) Courtney says:

We lost my brother on October 18th 2012. He was 26 and died from alcohol poisoning. *
His alcoholism took control when he was trying to get off of pain killers. The loving, kind-hearted nature enthusiast turned into a mean drunk.. He had been staying with my mom and other brother, but kept drinking and getting the police called. They eventually kicked him out for thier well being We thought if we gave him a place to stay we would be enabling his behavior. *
I tried to connect him to help but he wouldn’t take it. He would stay with friends for awhile but eventually would steal or destroy something when he was drunk. HIs alcoholism quickly worsened when his girlfriend of 8 years broke up with him coupled with the selling of hard liquor in the grocery stores in Washington State. Before he could just steal beer and wine. *
He had been hospitalized several times. The doctors that he would die if he kept it up. He still wouldn’t admit his problem.
He was sometimes staying outside, sleeping in parks or in my moms car. My mom missed a call from him Tuesday. His body was found Thursday morning along a trail. The autopsy report is accidental overdose of alcohol.
I miss my brother so much and it hurts me that he was lonely and suffering without a safe place to stay. I hate that I didn’t do more. I just thought he would get better. I always told him how much I loved him and am so grateful that I did.
We thought we were doing the right thing by giving him tough love hoping he would change, but he just went deeper into his addiction. I guess I don’t really know what you’re supposed to do. It seems like you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

January 17, 2013 at 1:07 am
(129) Eli Johnson says:

Just lost my oldest son to alcaholism on January 2, 2013. I am broken hearted, confused (What I could have done) Am I going to keep bursting into tears? He was just 40 years old, easy going, helpful man, leaving a beautiful teenage daughter and a beautiful wife, What was he unhappy about? Was it just the alcohol that he was after? Why didnt he accept our offers of help? He was supposed to live longer than his Mom and Dad. How do I cope with this? I miss him terribly.

January 17, 2013 at 6:12 pm
(130) Eli Johnson says:

The days go by, after the loss of my son..I picture him drawing his last breath on the hospital bed. My heart aches for him. What could we have done? Should I have kept checking on him. ? The amount of damage to his internal organs was unbeleivable, total kidney damage, almost total liver damage, enlarged heart. Will I take a drink in the future? Of course not, how can addiction be so powerful? My poor son was suffering, oh he was suffering so. Son, you may be gone, but you will live in my heart always, and I promise I will do all I can to combat alcoholism, because it has taken away someone very dear to me.

January 21, 2013 at 12:04 pm
(131) Angeline says:

My husband died one week ago. I will not go into a mile long story, cause all our stories are similar.
We could not cure them.
I went to work, I knew he was “jonesing” for some drink. But, I did not buy him any and he had no money.
That afternoon I called and he was at the neighbor’s…..he never went to the neighbor’s.
In the back on my mind I knew he was going to try to get the guy into a drinking situation or bum some money so he could get a drink. But, that was the last I spoke to him.
Neighbor gave him MOONSHINE and god only knows what else…..I lived 2 doors down, no one called me, came to get me, or call 911…
The Good Lord never put in my mind to go down to the neighbor’s house……I thought he got picked up by the drunk tank….who knows what I was thinking, as we all know living with an alcoholic is trying.
Anyway, I found husband laying dead, vomit covered in neighbor’s garage, been dead about 12 hours.
There is a pending investigation, tox reports,autopsy, ect….
He is gone, got look at the neighbor and garage….
If it was a simple overdose, I can let it go/at least I did not have him “brain dead” and have to pull the plug.
But, if the tox/autopsy shows a little something more…than I believe the neighbor is at fault for not watching him or calling 911.
His suffering is over, and I know that there was nothing I could have done. He was 43. Love to all, live this life well and we will meet them on the other side!

January 22, 2013 at 2:19 pm
(132) Eli Johnson says:

Angeline: I am so sorry about what happened to your husband, it is heartwrenching to lose someone to something preventable. I still cry sometimess, and then I become very angry. This morning in a fit of rage, I emptied out a bottle of Sake I used for cooking and smashed the bottle with a hammer. The what ifs and what I could have done, are not to blame, its demon alcohol addiction. My condolences to you.

January 22, 2013 at 10:54 pm
(133) Courtney says:

I am so sorry for all of your losses. I have often fantasized about taking a hammer to the liquor aisle of the grocery store and just having it out. Then I realize how much money that would cost me, then I realize how much money is made in the alcohol industry. The ill effects of alcholism are rarely shown along side the commercials of fun times for all. It hurts so much to loose someone you love deeply and hurts so much to know they were so sick that they couldn’t stop something that was literally killing them. May you find comfort during this tragic time and know you are not alone in your heartache.

January 29, 2013 at 7:57 am
(134) Linda says:

MY HUSBAND STEP MUM HATE HIM SO MUCH
My man died 6 weeks ago after 12 month illness where he required increasing amounts of oxygen. I was told 6 months previously that he was about to die and we moved heaven and earth to get him home from hospital. My wonderful strong man carried on for 6 months despite what everyone said. I stopped work and we spent nights and days together mostly with me watching him almost suffocate to death every day. one day in September when there was no one else around I lay down beside him and fell asleep, when I woke up he had gone. I never believe that my husband death was natural..cos i know those that did not want his progress, every night and day i always cry i fill like killing my self because things where hard on my side, my husband family throw us out of the house me and my children where on the street begging for food and water..cos no money any more. one of my friend that i have not see for a very long time saw my on a street and she called my name, when i turn i was an old friend of mine, i explain every thing that happen she gave us accommodation and told me my husband death was not natural she told me i should not worry she is going to help me, will contact Dr Opingo who salve family problems i explain every thing about my husband to him and he said he will help me know about the death of my husband i was very happy that very day…cos i no something was behind my husband death and i see who is going to help me out, Dr ask me to send my husband picture, surname, and his name i did every thing immediately. After Dr Opingo have use the information i send him, two weeks later my husband step mum confess that she was the one that kill my husband through sickness…i am so happy i am free because the family believe that i kill my husband to take over the properties. thank you once again HELEN my best friend for introducing me to Dr Opingo you can contact his email if you still need his help alterofcandletemple@gmail.com

January 30, 2013 at 11:18 pm
(135) Molly says:

My husband died June 1 2012 he was never Drunk to where it was a problem. He didn’t pee himself or lie drunk in vomit but he drank his whole life. His liver failed went in a coma woke up a week later and got some better. Back to hospital and then bled out. 6 weeks from start to the end. I am so in love with him I am lost without his love

February 4, 2013 at 9:56 am
(136) Jacqui says:

I am so pleased I found this site. My beloved husband died 17.9.12 ironically not from alcohol, he had just had a detox, but from pneumonia he caught whilst in the hospital. I cannot begin to describe the incredible guilt I feel because they were going to discharge him, but I delayed it. I said he needed a rehab. He could not walk properly due to his weakened leg muscles from being kept bedridden whilst in the hospital. He was in the wrong place for a detox. He had been let down by the so called “services” and by me. What right did I have to stop him coming back home – it was his house as well. They spoke about a “care package” being put in place but I was having none of it and thinking of myself, saying I would not cope. His so called keyworker kept telling me to “take care of myself”. Why? He was the one who needed taking care of. He had no one else. Never in a million years did I think anything like this would happen to him. He seemed indestructible. I had spent the whole summer trying to deal with his drinking. His relapses seemed to come round more frequently, until, like Jekyll and Hyde, they merged and he could not snap himself out of it. The thing is, because he stayed in the hospital longer than he should have and they were neglecting him, he caught pneumonia! He passed away on 17.9.12 and they told me he had a “chest infection” on 15..9.12. I personally think they gave up on him and let him die. I will never get over this, he didn’t deserve to go like this and suffered so much with their torturous oxygen mask which left a deep bruise on his nose. I have to be strong for our son, who has just finished his degree and has to face the future without his father.

February 7, 2013 at 9:50 am
(137) Candice says:

Itís been 1 year, 2 months and 4 days since my fiancť and love of my life bled to death from a varices bleed after battling cirrhosis for 3 years. He died on the 3 of December 2011 and he was 36 years old, absolutely gorgeous, kind and generous and totally unable to quit drinking. Does that mean he didn’t love me? A question that I often asked or my other favourite: if you love me more than drinking; then stop!
I have had so much time to go over and over this and the bottom line is: He loved me more than anything but his love for me was entirely separate to his need/love/hate relationship he had with booze. It was as if that was hot wired into his brain and no amount of threatening, cajoling, begging, pleading, manipulating could change it. It was what it was.
What irritates me are people who claim to know how alcoholics function and insist their truths must be your truths. They say alcoholics are abusive, mine wasn’t; they say they can’t love because how can they love someone if they can’t love themselves – nonsense mine loved me with all his heart and would have walked through the desert to get to me. They say that alcoholism is in their control and saying itís a disease divorces them from having to take responsibility – nonsense! So many nights of watching him stand outside and yell and beg God to take it away from him is nothing short of heart breaking. Anyone watch someone they love go through DT’s and tell me itís their fault for drinking can go and jump! I am sorry if I am ranting.
I miss my love every minute of every day! It’s time to take the stigma away from alcoholics – I am not ashamed of him! I loved a guy who was kind; sweet; above average IQ; talented; good looking and came from a good wealthy family oh and who had wine for breakfast! I have no regrets!

February 7, 2013 at 5:45 pm
(138) Eli Johnson says:

Candice: I am so sorry you lost your loved one. Alcohol has no preference, man, woman, smart, good looking. DT’s are a horrible thing, I have gone thru them. Jumpy, confused, hopeless..and only 1 thing to fix it. I recovered in 1991, havent had a drink since, my son didnt..he left us on Jan 2, 2013, I loved him with all my heart, as only a parent could. I know recovery doesant always work…I really wish it had worked with him. Again I am sorry for your loss.

February 12, 2013 at 12:09 am
(139) Cec says:

My huband died of liver cancer/cirrhosis/liver failure. We’d wake in the morning and I would touch him….poker hot…..I would trail him to the bathroom…..brownish yellow urine…..I begged him to go to a doctor/hospital. When he finally didgo….they flew him to a hospital in a city…he was there for three weeks….then he came home and I kept praying that I could help him get well enough that they would/could give him treatment….I watched him lose weight and turn from yello to greenish yellow….was looking in his eyes when he took his last breath ….stroking his face and saying I love you on December 5th 2012.
His family pretends to be kind…..I can’t do that anymore….
I can’t help the what ifs…..It hurtsto no end….

February 13, 2013 at 2:40 pm
(140) linda says:

Hi everyone, i have read all your stories and im really sorry for all your pain . You cant explain how deep it is i lost my only brother to drink in march 2012 and stiil cry most days,we were very close im 46 and he was 48 i new he liked a drink but never saw him drunk ,i found him not very well and three weeks later he died i thought i was dreaming. My dad doesnt talk about it and my mum im sure will die of a broken heart, i never had a clue how much he drank and yes i feel guilty,sad,mad,angry,tired
Im glad when its bed time so i can give my brain a rest what kind of life is that for us. Im going to try and move on and not keep what if !! We havnt died even if it feels like it. We have to learn to live with what happened to us
And just no they are around us everyday and when our time comes they will be waiting for us hugs to you all x
O

March 3, 2013 at 3:49 pm
(141) Prit says:

My darling husband died in January 2012. It’s been fourteen months since he left me but the pain is still as raw as the day he died. I feel everyone’s pain here. I try to take a day at a time until the day I am reunited with him again

March 5, 2013 at 6:10 pm
(142) linda says:

hi magda and nan i hope you are looking after yourself its really tough to lose a child as i look at my mum everyday after loseing my brother and she is lost and just wants to be with him and it will be a year this week most of it a blur, i never will foget this but i wish the pain would ease and missing them so much xx

March 14, 2013 at 5:51 pm
(143) Steph says:

Hi everyone,

I stumbled upon this website, found all these comments and felt I could complete relate.

I’m a 25 year old young woman who just lost her on/off boyfriend recently on Feb 27 2013 due to alcohol. He was also 25. I’ll say right off the bat that his father is an alcoholic himself. We have a 10 year history so my apologizes if this is very long to read. I met him in high school and we instantly had chemistry. He was a great guy and was everything I wished for. It was only up until 3 or 4 years ago where we actually began dating. We always both liked eachother but never really took it to the next level. After high school, he chose not to go to college or university after, had trouble keeping jobs, and dealing with the loss of his close grandparents/ other close friends from school.

March 14, 2013 at 5:52 pm
(144) stephy says:

In the beginning he was great, we had so much fun together as most people in their early twenties would do together. Go out to the movies, dinner, go to the beach during the summer, and just stay in, talk and watch tv together. After a while I noticed things started to change. He lost his appetite more and more, didn’t want to really go out anymore or too far from his home, lost sexual interest eventually. I had asked him what was wrong, just to be honest with me and said he could tell me anything. He downplayed his actions a lot and began to tell me I was overthinking things which I’m sure a lot of you have dealt with. He was really good at hiding things but I knew something was wrong and didn’t really know what. That drove me into a very bad mental state where I felt maybe I’m not attractive enough, although he told me I was, I felt I needed to try more as a girlfriend. He would tell me how great I was, but his actions were very different. When I was around him, he would drink casually and it was never a problem around me. It would be a glass or two of wine. He never was abusive towards me or cheated on me. In 2011,We were driving home one day and he suffered a seizure while driving, we crashed, thank goodness we were okay and no one else was hurt but I was very shooken up by it, even to this day. I stayed in the hospital with him that night and I asked him what the doctors told him and he said they couldnt really say. After that, I definetly looked at him differently. I knew people just don’t have seizures out of nowhere like that.

March 14, 2013 at 5:53 pm
(145) stephy says:

Eventually, everytime we spend together, it turned into an arugment. I told myself that I couldn’t deal with him anymore because he was turning me into this very angry person and he had changed. So for the past year of 2012, we barely spoke. I saw him once every 2 or 3 months. He would always tell me, “I need you” but he would never explain why. I found out he had suffered a second seizure in Sept 2012 once again and he told me he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to scare me. He refused to see more doctors about it and apparently even his parents told him to. Everytime I gave him a second chance for us to work, he would say one thing and then do something differently that hurt me and I don’t think he realized it even though I told him. The last time I saw him healthy was Dec 2012, the last thing he said to me was I love you.

March 14, 2013 at 5:53 pm
(146) stephy says:

I received a phone call from his mother in January 2013 about him being in critical condition and was in ICU. I went to go see him and he had jaundice, yellow eyes, his stomach was swelled up, ventilator in mouth. Soon as his mom told him I was there, he struggled to open his eyes to see me. He couldn’t say anything or have to strength to move. Somedays he was able to nod and wink to communicate with us. Eventually his kidneys gave away and the rest of his organs. He was in there for about 6 weeks. His funeral was on March 2. It was very hard for me to deal with. I had no idea he was suffering that much , I found out a lot afterwards from his parents. They told me he eventually began drinking a bottle of wine a day and didn’t eat for a straight month. His father confessed to me that he was the one who bought him the wine since he eventually had no money to pay for it which angers me.He was in the hospital for anxiety twice. They told me he never wanted me to find out how much he was really drinking when I wasn’t around. He always expressed to me the hatred he had towards his father deep down and I think he was embarrased that he eventually became the monster himself. That was his biggest fear and something he never wanted to happen and he probably felt like he let me down.

March 14, 2013 at 5:54 pm
(147) stephy says:

His father, i believe finally woke up from this. He is making the effort to quit the heavy drinking. A night or two after the funeral, I had a interesting experience while sleeping. I felt like I was being hugged and I truly believe that was him. It felt like him and the way he would have hugged me in all the right places. I felt such comfort after that knowing that he was ok and peaceful where he is. I know he is with his grandfather. I never imagined he would have contacted me so quickly. We had talked about this in the past where if anything would happen to either of us, we would try to contact eachother and I guess that conversation happened for a reason. I know he’s peaceful where he is, I just hope i can find that peace myself. It’s very hard to see someone so great completely fall rock bottom. I know this wasn’t what he wanted to his life to turn out to be. I believe he truly lost his way in life and it was very sad to see. He suffered a lot of very bad experiences over and over again which eventually broke him down.
I know I’m young, but I really saw my life with him.

Thank you if you took the time to read all of this. <3

March 22, 2013 at 10:56 pm
(148) Eli Johnson says:

Stephy: I know the helpless feeling..and that your boyfriend is now no longer addicted. My son had similiar seizures (We found out about the last and fatal one from the ER doctor) My son was secretive towards us too. We never knew how sick he was. I hope the visit you encountered was a comfort. I know the pain you are feeling, the druthers and that you could have done this and that. I strive towards any comfort that I can get, and this support group is a big help. I am so sorry for your loss.

March 24, 2013 at 7:23 pm
(149) jane says:

Just lost my husband to alcohol,married for 22 year ,I only remember the last words I said,die if you want to, don’t care,and now he is dead,I feel physically sick ,I just want to die myself,what should I do,I cannot live with this burden..

March 25, 2013 at 10:03 am
(150) JS says:

Hi i just lost my mum due to liver disease. She was the most beautiful person and fell into alcohol. She said she tried giving up but found it hard. As she was in the house all day by herself she got depressed. she eventually died in feb by going in for a routine procedure of drainage where she was in for 7 days and on the 9th day she took a dip and was taken into intensive care and passed away. She drunk alot in the past few years but recently due to poor health she wouldnt do it as much. She said she was stupid to put her body through it and wish she could just stop as she is ruining her life. I never got to say bye to my mum and we had to switch the machines off. I wish we could find a cure and help these people. They are good people who have the biggest hearts. I pray that shes at peace and i miss her dearly.

March 25, 2013 at 5:07 pm
(151) Eli Johnson says:

To Jane: I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It isnt your fault that your husband was addicted to alcohol. Alcoholism is a powerful disease, and you said those things out of frustration, He probably wanted to listen to you, but the illness will not allow it. Now that he is gone, you have to continue living your life. Pick up the peices and continue living, dont expose yourself to it anymore. I wage war against alcohol abuse since my dear son died from it. I still hurt and cry..But we the living must go on.

March 27, 2013 at 3:57 pm
(152) Stephy says:

thank you Eli for your kind words. Everyday is a struggle for me and his parents, his mom the most. I still speak with her frequently and seems we are on same level of grief together. He recently visited her in a dream when she was having a bad day saying, ” I never thought it would end this way.” She told me she let him know how much she loved and missed him. I’m glad he reached out to her see and they spoke, we know he’s peaceful where he is and is watching over us. I hope he continues to visit us. I will be going to therapy and hopefully it helps me get through this. I have this knot in my stomach and heart, it won’t go away, I fear it may never go away..

I definitely agree when you say, ” he probably wanted to listen to you, but the illness will not allow it.”

April 2, 2013 at 5:09 pm
(153) Yvonne says:

My Boyfriend and soul mate of 13 years just died on 2-27-2013 of complications of Liver Chirrosis. He refused to admit he was an alcoholic. He went from a gorgeous handsome man to sick, jaundice and frail. I watched him get sicker daily while he was hospitalized for 2 and a half months until he finally died in my arms, unable to fight for his life anymore. I miss him so much and cannot understand why he destroyed himself when he had so much to live for. I cry for him everyday and the pain at times is unbearable. This disease not only took a wonderful human beings life away, it has caused those who loved him to suffer now.

April 2, 2013 at 5:20 pm
(154) Yvonne Lohstroh says:

Stephy your story is so similar to mine. Don died on 2-27-2013. I got to spend 2 months with him in the hospital and each day Igot to tell him how much I loved him in spite of his drinking. I miss him terribly and feel this sick pain in my chest

April 3, 2013 at 4:14 pm
(155) linda says:

hi eli i see you lost your son and im so sorry, we are all looking for comfort as we are all in such deep pain ,i hope you are ok and ask you is there anything i could do or say apart from talk to her everyday help her as she is finding it hard to cope i worry about her and cant bare the thought of losing anyone else . hope you are ok xxx

April 4, 2013 at 5:11 am
(156) js says:

Hi im finding it really hard to cope without my mum please help. She wasnt supposed to die she just did. She used to drink but knew what she used to say and do. She had the biggest heart in the world loved get togethers. I never knew at what point she got into drinking and wish i helped her but she didnt want to go into rehab. She kept saying she would stop herself but never did. She eventually stopped eating was house bound fell depressed and became an alcholic where we didnt know how much she was drinking in the day. By the time we would get back home from work she would be in bed. Why do they drink so much she was the best mum in the world and i love her so so much. I cry every day wishing i could help her but i couldnt.xxx

April 5, 2013 at 4:02 pm
(157) Yvonne says:

It’s almost the weekend and 5 weeks since I lost Don. I used to look forward to Friday afternoon knowing the weekend is upon us. Now I dread the weekends. I miss him so much. He drank himself to death and I still don’t understand it completely. I loved him like no other, I don’t know how I can go on sometimes. I want to call him, I want him to call me. I feel so desperate to hear his voice or see him. I was so mad at him this past year. I could have been nicer or more compassionate. I feel so much sadness. I find a little relief reading your stories as I don’t feel so alone.

April 6, 2013 at 4:48 pm
(158) Eli says:

To Linda: I am coping, little things comfort me sometimes. I had an eye opener at church on Palm Sunday service. The pastor said “You can die from grief” Death is final, no matter how much I loved my dear son, he is gone from this earth. I have decided not to grieve over something That I cannot change. The memory of my son and my love for him will always remain in my heart, no amount of grieving will bring him back. He left a teenage daughter and my love for her will always be true. She stated that, because her Dad is gone, there will be no one to walk her down the aisle when she gets married. I have told her that I will do it in place of her late Father. She smiled and hugged her Grandpa.

April 17, 2013 at 5:50 pm
(159) Virginia says:

One week ago today we lost Kevin…my wonderful, funny nephew…from end stage liver faiure from drinking. He was only 41. We tried everything we could to stop his drinking, but of course, as you all know…we were powerless. But we all have guilt now. What if this and what if that. The thing that kills me is that he went to live with an aunt who was an enabler…for this past year. He died with the swollen abdomen, jaundiced eyes and skin, swollen ankles..it was awful. We thought he was getting a little better…he went home with his mom and stayed 10 days…then we had to rush him back Monday a week ago. He was shaking uncontrollably…was incoherent and confused…angry and combative. He could not sit still. He walked and walked and walked…could not sleep. At the end, they couldn’t even give him a shot because the needle would cause him to continue bleeding…they gave him liquid morphine and that didn’t do any good…his internal organs were so gone his body couldn’t process it. It is a senseless tragedy that he would die that young from this horrible disease. My heart is broken. I have taken comfort in reading some of your posts…we are not alone.

April 25, 2013 at 9:13 am
(160) js says:

Hi Virginia
I know how your feeling and its been very hard for me and my family. More so me as i lost my mum 2 months ago dues to this horrible addiction. She went into hospital with pains in her abdominal and then 10 days later she got a cough and ended up in intensive care and passed away. We thought she was getting better but she wasnt. She never showed the pain she was so strong i miss her so much she was my best friend my sister and mum. Nothing can ever replace the pain im going through now. It hurts everyday and i cry everyday. Its so not fair i wish that they could find a cure for this but they put people with this disease at the bottom of their priority list. Its so not fair.

April 26, 2013 at 2:12 pm
(161) Sharon says:

My ex-husband just died of alcoholism related liver disease which was too difficult for him to deal with, he couldn’t get sufficient help from the medical establishment so he shot himself. My daughter discovered him dead in bed, very traumatic, and we had to get hazmat to clean up the place. We didn’t even have the consolation that he was trying to deal with alcoholism, he only went to AA once and didn’t go back because he said all the men there were worse than he was, and the women were only there to find men.

April 30, 2013 at 6:35 pm
(162) Eli says:

On Thursday, it will be 4 months since my son Ben passed away from Liver and Kidney failure. Two weeks ago, I attended a lecture on grieving. She said there is not a time when you wake up and your sadness is gone, but that time heals. I still think things could have been different, if I had done more. I find myself accepting the fact that my son is gone from this earth and that is always final. I find myself wanting to wage war on Alcoholism, but where do I start? Alcohol is legal and a lot of people drink. All I can say is if you have a beautiful son like I did, take care of him. I appreciate the support from everyone in this group.

May 1, 2013 at 3:07 pm
(163) Yvonnel says:

It’s now been 2 months since I lost Don. He truly was the love of my life. I realize going back through my journal he has been sick for months but he hid it and I did not realize that he suffered encephalopathy last year, I just thought he was drunk. I feel bad like I could have, should have done more. Alanon helps. I have been in program for 3 years and it has helped me get through the rough times, helped me take care of me and helped me get compassion for the alcoholic and the disease. I am learning to deal with his death one day at a time. I miss him and cry every night but the pain is a little less than when it first happened. In Alanon there is a slogan: There is no situation too difficult to be bettered and No unhappiness to great to be lessened. I am still so sad but I am better today than I was 2 months ago. Alanon is for people who are affected by the disease of alcoholism and drug addictions of loved ones

May 15, 2013 at 11:29 am
(164) Gill says:

Its been 5 weeks and 2 days since I lost my partner Mike and the pain today is so bad. Like everyone else on here I feel guilt that I couldn’t do more, that I wasn’t enough. He kept his old flat on and would take himself back there to drink. I’d go after a couple of days and bring him home. Only last time I couldn’t get to him, his flat was off the beaten track and cut off by snow. I kept in touch by phone, he knew he’d seriously overdone it and wasn’t recovering as he usually did. As soon as the road was open I went to him, got him to hospital, but it was too late and he passed away the next day from pnumonia and organ failure. We’d been due to go on holiday the following day and i’d complained he’d let me down again. Why did I do that right at the end when i’d always been so supporting?

May 22, 2013 at 10:03 am
(165) js says:

Gill

Its very hard its been 3 months since my mum passed away. I think they knew deep inside we were there for them and that we loved them very much we were just human, yes we would react if they did something that would hurt them. I never got to speak to my mum and tell her how much i loved her and how much i was so proud of her. She was so beautiful very pretty very intelligent but she was taken over by the devil i call it. She was the bets mother ever was always there for us. I would do anything to get her back. It hurts me every second of every day i think of her and miss her deeply. I dont know if i will ever get over this.
I wish i got to tell her that i loved her that we were all here for her but god never gave us a chance she just went. I hope you stay strong.x

May 28, 2013 at 4:21 am
(166) Anna says:

So many people’s lives gone in the same way! :( my partner of 17 years died 8 weeks ago today! 2 months in hospital liver failed and as with so many others organs closed down on ITU. Still couldn’t believe the finality of it! Still really hasn’t snuck in! Our 17 years were mainly good! But had to put up with a lot of hard times living with an alcoholic! I loved him dearly and prayed his next detox or time in rehab would free him! I took him to a&e he was telling me his organs were closing down! A&e sent us home! Said to cut down on the drinking! 4 days later I called him an ambulance! They kept him in! I prayed he’d get better! Chances of survival dropping from 50% to 40% then 3% then he will not be leaving ITU alive! I am lost without him now! My only comfort is our 11 year old daughter!
His family have made my life hell! Disputing next of kin all through his hospital stay! Now blaming his death on me as they say I neglected him ! They say I didn’t cook him meals and look after him! If only he could tell them the truth! I asked to be buried with my partner! The family have now said it’s a family plot and I am not welcome at his grave! There only consolation of his deth is that he atom me & I will never be near him again!
He was the love of my life my rock and soul mate
Has anyone had a similar deluded attack from family! There’s much more hurtful things they’ve done like smashing up my funeral flowers! Not allowing me to say my goodbye at the church! Was excluded from the eulogy! :(

May 28, 2013 at 5:31 am
(167) Anna says:

Sorry! Typing to quickly. Sentence above meant to read! Family’s only consolation of his death is that he got away from me!

June 9, 2013 at 2:28 am
(168) robert says:

I lost my best friend and wife of 16 years. This morning i miss her she wouldn’t stop drinking. Id come home from work
And she be asleep and drunk it seemed every day.some days she would be at home asleep waiting for me to come home. I become the wife wife and husband. I cleaned.cooked yard man man. She died by falling into the bathtub and bleeding .she got close to coming home twice we made it 2 days this lst time she didnt make it. This was in feb im tired she died june 8 th im sorry. And i miss her.cheryl was my was my best friend and wife.alcohol killed her i should have protected her.

June 9, 2013 at 4:30 pm
(169) gill says:

You did all you could. Just like the rest of us here. I’ve had a bad day today, reliving conversations and events to see what I could have done differently, constantly searching for the one thing that would have made everything better. But we all know that’s not possible, its not our fault, and living with the pain is hard enough, we have to try and let the guilt go.

June 17, 2013 at 5:12 pm
(170) YvonneL says:

It is now 3 mos and 3 weeks. He is always in my heart but no longer constantly on my mind every waking moment. Perhaps now I am coming to acceptance. I get triggers now and then the knife piercing pain returns but it does not last or linger as long as it did in the beginning. I still cry softly every night when I go to sleep. Missing him a lot but trying to focus on good memories. When I remember the disease my heart breaks and the tears flow so I try not to concentrate on that too much. Alcoholism is so ugly. It is an evil curse that destroys life. I wish I could have rescued you Donny but I could not. I don’t wake up and say “oh yeah he’s gone” anymore. I wake up and pray and give gratitude for the good times we shared and the deep love we had in spite of his disease. I wish I could have changed this outcome but I do know that I will see my love again someday, healthy and whole because of God’s love and mercy.

June 27, 2013 at 6:22 pm
(171) bethan says:

My mum drank herself to death in October, shed been a aclcoholic for years but managed through spells to drink very little other times she would drink on huge binges as it was often linked to the depression, losing her licence through drink driving made her depression worse although a relief for me she wasnt driving as it was such a worry as if she needed more drink on a bender she would always get in the car yet she was a rgn – a nurse, if you met her youd never ever believe she was an alcoholic however I saw my mum slowly fade and at times well a lot of the time our relatgionship was very rocky as I was so frustrated she wouldnt be honest about her drinking if she was drinking badly she would promise me she wouldnt do it again and that she loved me but after some time she would be back to controlled drinking and I always wanted her to stop so we would argue. Argue about the drink and how it effected her, affected me, and well my family. My children.
I wish I could see her briefly to tell her how sorry I am and that I forgive her, Alcohol is an addiction which detached her from me, I slowly see that and im not cross anymore. I always felt cross when I thought about her addiction when she was alive.
I hope she is here and she is popping in on me and she knows how much I miss her and How sorry I am for the way In which I dealt with her alcoholism. It gets clearer to deal with things and I feel stronger. Im so sorry to any of you reading this that has had similar experiences than me, Its so so sad xxxx Love u mum xxxx

July 19, 2013 at 4:56 pm
(172) Tami says:

I lost my very best friend to alcohol July 4. Greg suffered from severe back pain, and over the past 3 years had several health setbacks – some gastrointestinal problems, had his gall bladder removed and a bad bout of necrotizing fasciitis that took months to overcome. I see now that he spent lots of his sick time at home drinking. At the beginning of this year, he was hoping his health would improve. However, his back pain became debilitating and i noticed he was drinking at work. He had to go on disability in February and never could cope with that. Being at home all day just gave him time to drink even more. It got to where every time i saw him he was drunk. I was pretty tough on him. He tried to quit cold turkey in April and ended up in the hospital after suffering several seizures. Of course, even that didn’t stop his drinking for more than a day or two. The last time i saw him he was puking in my bathroom and i just thought “how pathetic.” i didn’t know this was a sign of liver disease. That was the last time i saw him. He called me later that day – Saturday, June 22 at 5:47 p.m. I didn’t answer. He sent me an email the next night, saying he would try to call me Monday. He didn’t call. I didn’t call him, figuring he could just stew for a while. I got a call from his neighbor July 4 with the news. His dad and brother found him dead on the floor by his bed. He had been there for several days before he was found. He apparently went into an hepatic coma and then died.It’s so hard to believe that i’m not going to see him again. I can’t get over this guilt i feel for not calling or going over there just because i was angry. His death was such a shock – i thought we still had time. I miss him so much. he was an intelligent and kind. He deserved so much more than he believed.

July 21, 2013 at 3:25 pm
(173) Yvette Steer says:

This has been a really useful site to come across. I just wish there was a group or organisation which helps widows and widowers of alcoholics.
It has only been just over 1 month since I lost my husband of 30 years. In fact I was at the funeral directors the day we should have been celebrating our 30th Wedding Anniversary. Instead I was arranging his funeral. We were going on holiday for our wedding Anniversary but instead I went on my own and scattered his ashes on the beach instead.
I don’t feel like I can relate to ‘ normal widows’ as, as usual I live the lie of what my marriage was really like. I want to be able for once to shout, scream, get angry, and yes grieve terribly for that selfish, alcoholic reliant person my husband was. I want to kick his sorry, skinny little ass into next week for leaving me. Do I wish he was sill here? you bet I do.
Only people who have lived with alcoholics would know what I am on about. If any of you know of a support group please let me know, and if not would anyone else be interested in perhaps starting one. I really need to get through this anger, loss and grief with people who are in the same position.
Thanks for your feedback folks.

July 25, 2013 at 2:53 pm
(174) jo says:

There is a group(subgroup) for widows of an alcoholic.
Take a look at WIDOWS VOICE….look at Widowed Vilage..
there you will find us.
Join….it really is very nice to talk to people that know!!!!
Big hug!!!

July 25, 2013 at 5:55 pm
(175) Yvette Steer says:

Thank you. x

August 1, 2013 at 6:58 pm
(176) yvonnel says:

You can also try Alanon. It is a support group for those of us who are and were in relationships with alcoholics

August 3, 2013 at 10:29 pm
(177) dee says:

Once again im awake i feel if i didnt send u away u wld still b here i now c all the warning signs not in time for u im sorry i let u down mark x

August 30, 2013 at 10:33 am
(178) Angeline says:

Hello all, I posted here months ago….maybe Jan 2013 right after my husband passed away. When I am feeling down, I somehow come right back to this discussion board. You all have developed a feeling of community here…and it helps to know we are not alone. So Bravo to the regular posters here, the kind words, the shared stories.
Hubby has been gone since January 2013, and it is definitely a ride. Mainly, I know he was suffering and now he is more peaceful and in his own way has given me a chance to find a more peaceful life. I find peace in the fact his suffering is over and that I will see him again one day. Feels funny being a widow and carrying the name of your dead husband…
Some days I think of him as such a sinner, and other days more like a saint…but, we all know how it is with an alcoholic, they have 2 sides.
He always wanted me to love them both, but I could never really love the alcoholic.
Rest in Peace Scott, your Fancy loved you! I loved you well, and I will not regret it,

September 11, 2013 at 9:06 pm
(179) Sandy says:

I was married to an alcoholic for 34 yrs. and divorced him 2.1/2 yrs. ago after having had enough of the bad behavior alcoholics create. I was the glue that kept us together and we did have many good times together. The drinking progressively got worse in time and drove everything to ruin. He lost his job of 36 yrs. and was only 6 months away from retirement. He received nothing instead. He lost his family, children and home. It was so sad…for all of us.I still took care of his finances,bills and talked to him often. Saw him when I would come back in town. He constantly told me how bad he felt and I knew in the back of my mind he was dying, but just couldn’t believe it. When I got the call that the apt. mgr. found him dead after 6 days of him not answering my calls, I could hardly believe it. I came home and made all the funeral arrangements, paid for everything and wasn’t mentioned in the service bulletin. His own brother and mother never came to the funeral or church service and when I went to his mothers house to give her some flowers and the obituary from the funeral home, I was told to leave. I have been so hurt by their actions and play it back a hundred times. We were such a good fit together for so long and we did still love each other, as my two sons will attest to, I just couldn’t live with the drinking and who he was after yrs. of drinking. I miss him so much and am mad at him for giving up so much even though we both knew it just seemed to be a bigger devil to fight than he could handle. I am just sorry he died alone and was not found for 6 days. I miss him and I know he loved me and his sons with all his being. Just sad.

October 23, 2013 at 8:34 pm
(180) June says:

I lost my sister 2 weeks ago from cirrhosis. She was 43.

I too am sick with feelings of guilt. She had been drinking for years and we realised in the last few years she was an alcoholic.

She found our father dead two years ago and took it really badly. Our father was also an alcoholic.

I knew she was getting worse and always asked her to get help. I told her two years ago that losing her would be much harder than even losing dad.

I wish I’d tried harder to get her help. I was coping with my own grief at losing our father but feel like I’d really let hwr down. Our mother died when we were little and I’m the oldest and feel the most responsible.

We was all there for her the last two months at the hospital. It was the first time she had been hospitalised and it was a real shock when the doctors told us the state her liver was in.

My beautiful sister had become skin and bones at the end and was so sick. When she passed she looked so peaceful.

Even though I had the two months to tell her how much I loved her and she did me I can’t help thinking of all the times I had no patience for her dramas, how I felt embarrassed by her sometimes instead of doing everything in my power to help her.

I will miss her forever and will forever be sorry I let her down.

November 2, 2013 at 6:49 pm
(181) stephy says:

Hi everyone,

I posted here back in march 2013 about my ex boyfriend. I can say it’s been quite a ride for the past 8 months and still going. I’ve experienced all the emotions that come along with grieving from sadness, guilt, depression, anger, etc. They come and go and sometimes I can barely control them. I’m doing a lot better than I was, especially in the first month of his death. I found I had a bit of a mental breakdown and went for some bereavement counselling. Talking about it has helped me a lot. I was fortunate enough to be matched by my counsellor with a person who had experienced something similar to what I am going through. This person has also helped me and given me some great advice on how to deal with myself and others around me. Through the last couple months, some have supported me and some don’t. I found out that some people are just in denial about talking about this topic and some of the things they’ve said to me have hurt me even more. I’ve been expected to ” get over my boyfriend” rather quickly and be done with it. I’ve realized that I can’t do this and I have to live my own journey in life. I have to deal with my emotions and feelings at my own pace. I have to let go at my own pace. I have recently been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t take medication at the moment and would rather not. I try to take care of myself as much as I can. I do still talk to his mother, we are still very close. I just wanted to post again and say to anyone who is recently going through a loss like this, please hold on because it does get better with time. As long as you please stay positive and surround yourself with good people.

November 3, 2013 at 8:24 am
(182) Jane says:

I lost my husband,friend,my all on march 16, I just don’t have the will to go on,what do I do.

November 18, 2013 at 6:05 am
(183) Louise Robinson says:

My brother passed away in January 2010 of alcoholic hepatitis/organ failure aged 42 years.
My brother was a gentle giant, always the joker but I think the alcohol gave him the confidence he needed to deal with life! He became a recluse in his last few years.
My brother spent the last six weeks of his life in hospital after initially being admitted for Jaundice. I donít think anything could have prepared me for what I saw. The first three weeks in hospital he was aware of his whereabouts and talking, still joking but the last three weeks he became confused, shouting out as he was in a lot of pain. He asked my dad ďAM I GOING TO DIEĒ. I wasnít meant to watch my dad try and feed my big brother jelly!
Yes I have lots of regrets, lots of things I wish I had said to him, and yes I probably did bury my head in the sand not realising just how sick he really was. I know my bro would not want me to feel so sad but it isnít easy is it!
A few days after he passed away I had a dream of him wearing his favourite football top looking through a back door of a house I used to live at. He was looking at me and smiling. I knew he was in a better place and finally at peace.
Time is a great healer and yes life does go on but I do have my down days. I just hope that in time I will stop the what ifís and just remember the good times we had!

December 5, 2013 at 4:28 pm
(184) Andy says:

Hi, i lost my brother to alcoholism in June this year. He was 43. In 2010 we stopped speaking over a dispute. In the last 12 months we had started to patch things up. Unfortunately i live overseas so did not get the chance to get back and see him before he died. He went into hospital one week and died the day before my flight back. We were very close through most of our lives. I believe he had a drinking problem for around 25 years and in the last few years has become more and more withdrawn. He has left a wife and 2 kids. The wife has now cut off me and my mum and dad from seeing her and the kids. I have an Aunt that was an enabler and even at the funeral was in denial about his drinking. We are no longer in contact either. It’s a mixed bag of grief, hurt, guilt, empathy and also anger. What i have realised over these last few months is how massive the impact is on the family and friends when a death due to alcoholisam occurs. I love my brother but at times cant help but think how selfish he was. I know its a disease but even cancer patients make a choice between treatment and carrying on regardless. I dont blame anyone and nor do i believe that anything different could have been done. Time will not heal but will bring clarity and ease of guilt. Reading other posts on this and other forums has really helped me to understand so thank you to all.

December 27, 2013 at 8:44 pm
(185) Audrey says:

My sister died a few months ago after years of alcohol and prescription substance abuse. Due to her disease, she became unbearable around – to her friends and me. We reconciled when she was brought into hospital the last time when she made a commitment (too late) to get help in a desperate attempt to save her life. She had lost too much in the way of health to ever bring herself back. Her partner has been so bitter and determine to rid anything that she ever owned. They had children together. Her family of origin recently discovered through grapevine that he had been seeing another woman for years. It has left us reeling . No counseling for the children, etc. It is none of my business, granted. Just painful to see/hear what a “hero” he is and has been. In his eyes, what a loser who got what she deserved.

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