1. Health
You can opt-out at any time. Please refer to our privacy policy for contact information.

Discuss in my forum

Buddy T

End-Stage Alcoholism: Linda's Immortal Alcoholic

By December 9, 2010

Follow me on:

For friends and family members who have love ones going through the end stages of alcoholism, the experience can be frustrating and lonely. The feeling of powerlessness can overwhelm you as you watch someone you care about slowly die while refusing to admit their drinking is even a problem.

And make no mistake about it, they do die. Left untreated, alcoholism is a fatal disease.

The alcoholic in Linda's life is one of those terminal cases. Eight times she has been told that he would not live another six months. Three times he has been at death's door, with hospice involved in his final days. But he keeps coming back, going through detox and recovering.

He's Not Going to Make It

"I anticipate and plan for the end which, unfortunately, always feels as though it would be a blessing," Linda writes on her blog. "We've been through the 'he's not gonna make it' ordeal many, many times."

But he keeps making it. Therefore the title of her blog, "The Immortal Alcoholic."

Usually, when a new recovery-related blog comes across my desk, I briefly visit the blog, read a few posts, make sure it's updated regularly, it's on-topic and is well-written, before adding it to the growing list of Recovery Blogs on the About.com Alcoholism site.

But on The Immortal Alcoholic, I lingered. I stayed for hours, reading everything on the site about the trials, tribulations, and yes, even the humor involved in caring for an end-stage alcoholic.

Protecting Her Daughter

As you begin to read Linda's story, you want to go find her and give her a big hug, although I suspect she would prefer that you merely leave a comment. But for those of us who have seen or are watching loved ones kill themselves with alcohol, her story is both heart-breaking and edifying.

A Navy wife, Linda dealt with her husband's progressive alcoholism for 20 years while raising a family, but then left him after her daughter was grown. During the 15 years they were separated (but not divorced) his alcoholism progressed to the point that it was affecting his brain and his internal organs.

When her daughter made the decision to take her ailing father into her home to care for him, Linda stepped in to protect her daughter from the insanity.

"My daughter wanted him to come live with her family. I said no," Linda writes. "I had stayed married to him in order to have my military benefits. He was my responsibility. It was time for payback. I did NOT want my daughter's life to become the center of his alcoholic circle. I had to protect her by stepping up and doing what needed to be done."

Caregiver, Policeman and Warden

Somehow Linda has managed to emotionally detach herself from the alcoholic while at the same time admittedly serving as his caregiver, policeman and warden. He is living with her in the Southeastern United States in her rural home miles from the nearest liquor store.

At The Immortal Alcoholic Linda posts frequent blogs about her daily life struggles with a end-stage alcoholic, who at this writing has been dry for more than three months, but makes it clear almost daily that one day he will drink again.

Her blog deals with the ordeal of living with someone whose mind and health has been devastated by alcohol abuse, but she also has pages of resources for other non-alcoholics like her, who may be going through the same situation.

As she explained in an email, "I have had problems with finding people who understand "end-stage" and all the things that go along with it. Even the doctors really don't know what to do..."

End-Stage Alcoholism Information

Therefore, her website has information she has gathered while dealing with end-stage alcoholism, including:

  • Stages of an Alcoholic Life
    Linda outlines the progression of alcoholism from "just a few beers" to the "he's not going to make it" stage and everywhere in between.

  • The Truth About Detox
    What they don't tell you about the detoxification process, until the patient is already in the program.

  • The Medical Dilemma
    Most family doctors are either not trained to deal with end-stage alcoholism or they are just not willing to be that honest with the alcoholic or their families.

  • Alcohol and Biology
    When the liver can no longer metabolize alcohol fast enough and sends it back through the bloodstream over and over, it causes all kinds of problems in the body.

If you or someone you know is dealing with alcoholism, you might find Linda's blog a glimpse of what the end-stage will be like, a source of encouragement and enlightenment, or as I did, an affirmation that we are not alone.

Related Information:

Photo: BigStockPhoto.com
Comments
December 9, 2010 at 2:00 pm
(1) Jamie Eckberg says:

My Aunt Linda has been dealing with this for years. In our family we have lost several family members to this disease. It is very sad, but she has been strong through it all. I have had the opportunity to see how strong she is while renting a house with her years ago. My uncle at the time was sober and going to rehab. I was so proud of him and happy for my aunt! But a lot of people are not strong enough to put their life before their “needs”. I pray this outlet for my aunt helps people going through this help them through the hard times they are dealing with or are going to deal with!

Jamie

December 13, 2010 at 9:50 am
(2) Aretha says:

“Itís a never ending circle. The trick for the non-alcoholic is to try not to be in the center of the circle while itís forming” from Linda’s blogg. I find myself in a vicious cycle. My father was an alcoholic–He died of a stroke. My brother and sister are recovering alcholics–my sister keeps going to rehab, yet she goes back to her old “Standby” and my brother-in-law (my favorite) died of cirrosis at the age of 32. I hated the word Alcohol with a passion. I now have a very close friend, whom I love very much, who will become aggresively angry and stubborn when he does not get his “fix”. I take an ocassional drink at gatherings, and he uses this against me when I try to talk to him about his alcoholism. I am now swearing off all intoxicating beverages for mysake as well as his. I cry, get angry, fuss, cuss–It makes no matter. Whenever any of the aove starts to go down that road (aggresive behavior; excessively demanding; inverted sleep patterns; unkempt appearances to say the least), I disappear. The verbal abuse is mind boggling. My question is “how could I have gotten so deeply involved with my friend and his addiction?” It hurts and I want to be there for him–but I know the symptoms and this blogg has helped me to go deeper into the reality that without help he is dying. At this point he is extremely adimate that he controls the alcohol- then he gets verbally abusive. I found this blogg and will faithfully follow it because now can see that I am not in it alone, and will enable me to do the best things ever to help me cope and hopefully help him survive with proper care.

December 13, 2010 at 10:42 am
(3) Deby says:

What powerful information and oh, so true in every aspect. My 32 yr old son has been thru three rehabs and just as many sober living homes. He was kicked out of most of them because of relapse. We refinanced our home to put him thru what we thought the best of the best rehab facilities in Southern Calif, but he relapsed during outpatient therapy. We are done helping/enabling. I have found Al-Anon. He is now staying with his dad who is his biggest trigger for drinking. Maybe that will help the end to come sooner rather than later, whatever the end may be…. regardless, I will be ready for it because Al-Anon has taught me where my focus should be!

December 14, 2010 at 3:02 am
(4) Jackie says:

Linda, your blog has really touched me.

I am separated from my A husband, but still love him very much. I just can’t live with him. He is currently sober but like with your husband, he likes his ‘girlfriend(s)’ and I can’t tolerate infidelity.

My solution was to move out, re-establish myself and start to reclaim my life. I still call him, still care, and still go to his aid when he feels ‘like not waking up’ (his words). So according to his family I am an ‘angel’ but inside I sometimes feel so sad, so upset and bewildered I just can’t function.

Your blog has really helped. I can do this, I can still love and support as long as I also look after myself.

Love Jackie (Australia) xx

December 14, 2010 at 8:21 am
(5) Paula says:

I watched my father kill himself with alcohol and tobacco way back in 1996. And make no mistake about it, these two curses often go hand in hand and exacerbate the effect of the other. He never admitted that he was an alcoholic, despite drinking beers throughout the day and up to 14 Manhattan’s after work–day in and day out. Even the village police enabled him. My dad had a body shop and did work for the police. So when they saw him leave the restaurant/bar he frequented each night, they would follow him home, but they would never pull him over or give him a breathalyzer test. If only they had, perhaps it would have been a wake-up call to my dad. Instead, I spent the last three days of his life taking care of him in the hospital. We all knew he wouldn’t be leaving this time. Soon, his internal organs started to shut down and his body swelled with the fluid his kidneys could no longer process. The hardest thing I have ever done was to tell him that if he was ready to go, we’d be okay. At this late point in his life, it wasn’t worth trying to get him to take responsibility for how he had lived. I knew he only had days, maybe hours left to live, and wanted to make them as pleasant and pain-free as possible. It’s funny, having grown up with his drinking, I never realized he was an alcoholic until I was in high school back in the 70s and watched the Carol Burnette special on alcoholism. It was a definite wake-up call. Too bad he didn’t watch it with me…

December 16, 2010 at 3:02 pm
(6) Tracy says:

I hope all of you attend Alanon. It will not only save your sanity, but your life! I have been going for 3 1/2 years and it’s my home. The unconditional love & support will help you through anything…alcoholic or not. Life is a trick bag of challenges.

We must learn to live our own lives. None of us are meant to be subjected to the anger, abuse (physical, verbal, etc..), or insanity that comes with being involved w/an alcoholic. I’ve learned to hate the disease and love the person. I’m able to make good decisions for myself & our kids because they are the innocent victims. I’m not a victim anymore…I stopped voluntering for that role.

Hugs to everyone & give Alanon a try! Change is inevitable. Struggle is an option.

January 3, 2011 at 7:33 am
(7) Linda says:

Thank you to everyone who has posted a comment about my blog. Please keep reading and e-mail me with suggestions of topics you’d like to see on my site. Your support is very important to me! Thanks — Linda

January 27, 2011 at 5:47 pm
(8) roxanne says:

I LOVE your title of the “immortal alcoholic”!

Mine has been through detox three times in the last six months. Twice with TBI’s, the third time saved from injury… and today started drinking again after getting his first job in over a year and a half….

April 20, 2011 at 11:08 am
(9) D. Eckert says:

I have lost several people close to me to this horrible disease over the years..currently my sister is in the final stages of alcoholism. Her brain is now mush from all the abuse and she will be living in a home probably for whatever time she has left.. My family and I have done everythig we could to help her, and of course, you cannot help an alcoholic..I feel so helpless and wish I could have saved her from herself. What really bothers me the most about alcoholism is the fact that alcohol is a legal substance. It should be banned period! How many millions will have to die at the hands of a drunk driver. How many more families and lives have to be destroyed by this insidious poison. How many more generations will be destroyed by alcohol. What is wrong with a society that allows this kind of drug to be legal? Wake up world, this has to end somewhere. Now!

July 20, 2011 at 8:12 pm
(10) Doris Krask says:

It was very helpful reading these comments….not feeling like I was the only one. My husband and I separated 15 years ago. We have remained friendly but now I am watching and trying to care for him in his end stage of alcoholism. He is now losing his appetite completely and losing weight, of course. He has refused any idea of having an aide come to his home and expects me to do this for him. I am always worried he will have a bad fall (as he has had in the past). I don’t know where to go for help and refuse to have him return home. I cannot live with this.
such are the sorrows of alcoholism and they go on right up to dreath.

July 21, 2011 at 6:00 am
(11) Linda-Immortal Alcoholic's Wife says:

Thank you everyone for your comments. I truly appreciate each and every one.

I just want to say that none of you are alone. When I wrote my post “Alone in a crowd”, I had the most response I had ever had on any of my posts. So, I know there are lots of us out there. We can gain strength from that knowledge. When you start feeling like no one understands, come back here and read these comments over again or go to my blog. Also feel free to e-mail me (the address is on my blog page). I try to answer each one promptly.

Linda — The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife

August 2, 2011 at 3:09 pm
(12) Dawn says:

Thank you for your blog. I think it takes a strong person to say what all of the rest of us are feeling, and thinking. I am married to an end stage chronic alcoholic. I used to wear myself out trying to second guess everything. Now, I simply do not care. I will be sad and relieved when this is finally over. It has taken enough from me already. I am in alanon. It helps me to stay strong. If only…………

August 18, 2011 at 8:50 am
(13) Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Dawn — Remember that you must take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of your physical and mental health — the alcohol wins. Not the alcoholic, but the alcohol. The alcoholic is already losing to the alcohol. Don’t let that happen to you. How sad / ironic it would be if the alcoholic outlives the non-alcoholic. It would be one more person destroyed by alcohol. My next blog post addresses this issue — I hope it helps you.

Non-alcoholics cannot help the alcoholic except to make sure he does not increase his circle of destruction. You can provide a soft place for him to meet his end. There is really nothing else to be done. If you can be strong enough to let him, his end will be sooner rather than later. — Linda (Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife)

September 17, 2011 at 12:48 am
(14) Michelle says:

My name is Michelle. My baby brother just died four weeks ago. He was only 41 years old. Michael was not married and did not have any children. He was my best friend and I loved him very much. I am so lost without him in my life!! He was an alcoholic for over 15 years. It was pure hell living with his alcoholism. It affected our entire family. It actually divided our family. I have an older brother but he wrote my brother off and was done with him. I could not. I fought for the survival of my baby brother and never gave up on him. I also had to help and protect my elder parents. We did the rehab, we did it all. He was a binge drinker, he would fall and then get back up. He knew the damage his continued drinking would do his body. One month ago, we spent the day together! He developed a constant hand tremor. On this day, I noticed when he was trying on his shoes, the top of his feet were swollen. I was concerned but said nothing. We were having such a good day!! He came by the next morning on his way out of town for work. He looked great! Little did I know it was the last time I would ever see him alive. He died one day and a half later. He was found by his co-worker in his hotel room. Coroner said he had lots of edema and it pointed towards his heart. I found out one month prior to his death, he had gone to the hospital complaining of the swelling and pain in his feet and legs. I have no doubt that alcohol in the end took my brothers life. The swelling in his feet meant that his heart was not pumping sufficiently. He had high blood pressure and binge drinking can also cause an irregular heartbeat. He was not drinking that night. Nothing was out of place in the hotel room. His heart simply stopped. He looked completely fine. If I can save one person by telling my story, my baby brother did not die in vain. Michael was bigger than life but in the end his addiction was bigger than him. I Love and Miss you Michael!! Goodnight Michael!!! Your sis, Michelle

September 19, 2011 at 4:21 pm
(15) ImmortalAlkysWife says:

Michelle — I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. I know how painful it is to lose someone to alcoholism. I have written a post on my blog about the loss of my son being a special gift that the alcohol gives to the ones he/she leaves behind. The title is “A special gift” from Feb. 21, 2011.

I would like to offer you the opportunity to write a special guest post on my blog about your brother. If you would like to do that, leave me a message here and I’ll let you know how to get in touch with me. Sometimes it helps the healing process to just write. You can remain anonymous in the post.

I hope you understand that your brother had choices and his choice was to drink. This in no way is a reflection of how good of a sister you were or that you may not have done enough for him. That is just not the case. From what I read in this message, you loved him very much and he loved you as well.

Again, I’m sorry for your loss.

Linda

October 26, 2011 at 2:40 am
(16) Cheryl says:

These comments have meant more to me than anything I’ve come across as I repeatedly search the internet for answers. For some reason, tonight I typed “end stage alcoholism” into Google and this was the first link I got. Michelle, when you wrote about your brother, you could have written it all for me. My youngest brother is 47, definitely now dying (killing himself) after alcohol abuse since his teen years. I am the only one left. Many, many others quit caring long ago. I also have another brother who chose not to have any contact years ago. I have also lost another younger sister and brother to alcohol related deaths. I am the oldest, and this one is my baby brother, like yours. We have always been close, since the time I sometimes gave him 2am bottles so that my poor abused 46 year old mother could get a little sleep.
Only two friends in my life, but not my husband or adult children, even understand why I do still care. Yes, it has gotten so bad that I almost want it to be over. If only I could get some help to let him die with some comfort and dignity.
I will definitely start following the blog. I expect that I will find kindred spirits there, and I really need that now. Thank you all for posting.

November 7, 2011 at 5:50 am
(17) ImmortalAlkysWife says:

Cheryl — Caretaking an end-stage alcoholic is extremely difficult. I know you must feel that you are alone in the struggle. I think the people who want you to give “tough love” don’t understand that the end-stage is terminally ill. The hope is not that he will detox and recover — it is that the end will come quickly, quietly and painlessly.

There are so many others in your situation. Please feel free to join other caretakers on my The Immortal Alcoholic facebook page. You will find a sharing of information and support. You are not alone.

Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife)

November 10, 2011 at 8:11 pm
(18) D Brown says:

My beautiful daughter who will be 33 in December is an alcoholic. She has relapsed so many times even while on probation for a DUI. She has blackouts and will put herself in dangerous situations. We are afraid she will die or be harmed. She is taking a pill that makes her sick if she drinks…she still drinks. People have said she will die if she doesn’t have supervision. She has been in 3 rehabs. The last one cost almost $100,000. The pill that she takes prevents her from getting drunk now but now her dosage has been reduced due to a reaction that she had recently. Now we are afraid this low dose will result in her getting drunk. We have seen her alcoholism increase over the past 2 years. I never realized that alcoholism has stages. We are seeing this is true. We are at stage 3….every day is heart wrenching.

November 28, 2011 at 7:57 am
(19) ImmortalAlkysWife says:

I understand your pain. Has she tried Campral? If she is not drinking because of the other med, maybe she would benefit from Campral which is supposed to lessen the craving for alcohol.

I know it’s tough watching someone go through this. Even though she may be in stage 3, it sounds like there is still some hope for her recovery if she is open to taking the meds.

My suggestion is to get some help for YOU. Find a rehab center that offers a family program that doesn’t just focus on Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a great tool, but there is so much more to learn. This site is a great resource for learning about all aspects of alcoholism.

Linda

December 25, 2011 at 5:50 am
(20) lynn says:

i am sitting here Christmas Eve thru Christmas morning listenig to the Christmas music on the radio waiting for my sister to wake up. I had ot send her a plane ticket for a visit which gives my other siblings a break. She has lost everything to the bottle — her house her business her horse all of her posessions even her 2 cats and her dog. she came up here with $52 to her name. Somehow she acquired a bottel and at this moment she is passed out at my kitchen table and i am unable to arouse her. i am jsut waiting until th elight apperars and hopefuly she will awaken. What a beautuful and wonderful person she was until she united with he bottle. WHat a way to spend Chistmas eve.

December 28, 2011 at 9:19 am
(21) Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Lynn — What a great gift to your siblings!

It is sad to watch a person destroy everything you know they love because they climb into a bottle. Just remember that this was HER decision — not yours. It never hurts to remind her that you love her and would like for her to be able to stop drinking. But, you cannot force it because that just doesn’t work.

I’m assuming you will have her with you for only a short time — find the moments that are good and let them be your memories. Even the most end-stage can present little bits of the person they once were. Grab them and cherish them.

I hope you have a joyous New Year!!

January 2, 2012 at 9:51 pm
(22) barbara says:

My husband just lost his battle with alcoholism. Married for 25 years. I filed for divorce on December 29th and my husband died December 30th from alcoholism.
This blog is incredibly important and so many comments match the pain and suffering we as a family endured watching a wonderful man slowly destroy himself at the bottom of a bottle of booze.

I am very sad he is gone. He will miss out on the milestones of the four most incredible grandsons anybody could ever wish for. That being said, I am relieved too. Relieved of no longer being subjected to the verbal abuse, the brokern promises

January 4, 2012 at 7:23 am
(23) Immortalalkyswife says:

Barbara — I’m so very very sorry for your loss. It is bad enough that we must go through the grief process when a love one dies, but for those of us who have a loved one die of alcoholism — we do it twice or sometimes even more. We grieve when they sink so deep into the bottle that the cease being who they once were and again when the medical examiner declares the time of death.

When I think of my son’s death, the only way I can get any comfort is to remember that his death was a gift to those he loved. He would not want any of us to feel burdened by his insanity. When my husband dies, he will also give me a gift of freedom.

So, I understand your feelings of relief combined with the sadness. It makes perfect sense to me. Give yourself some time. And then start living your life again. You owe that to yourself.

January 15, 2012 at 6:47 am
(24) Immortalalkyswife says:

Just wanted to update the readers that my Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics is now available. The workbook is specific to alcoholics and can be used to show both the improvement and decline of both the physical and mental state. Also, tells how to improve communications with the medical professionals and use lab reports. See the table of contents on my blog.

I have been keeping one of these for my husband for several years and it has helped me immensely.

Linda

February 29, 2012 at 9:56 pm
(25) neives says:

Recently I heard from a family member my mom could feel herself dying. I have watched her drink all my life and have begged her to stop numerous times before but she doesn’t think its a problem. I am 28 years old with 2 kids but I refused to bring them around her. Now I’m hearing she is dying and even making plans in case she die sooner. I haven’t spoke with my mom in months because I refused to speak with anybody who is intoxicated and since she drink on a regular basis I just gave up. What she doesn’t know is that I’m also making plans in case she die sooner. I miss her so much.

March 3, 2012 at 7:54 pm
(26) Judy says:

My dear aunt is currently dying from alcoholism. She lives alone on the coast of South Carolina in a beautiful beachfront condo. But that doesn’t matter because she is not going to live much longer to enjoy it. She is at the point of constant nausea and vomiting with no appetite. She can not take care of herself or her home. She recently told my sister that she doesn’t want her and her daughter to visit because she has been drinking heavily and has not been able to clean her house. She is an extremely intelligent woman and she realized she is an alcoholic, but she cannot make herself do the things she needs to do dry out and get sober. She did detox one time but said it was awful and she doesn’t want to go back to that place again. She attended AA for a very brief amount of time but it did not last. She can’t accept the fact that she is a drunk like the rest if us (yes I am 14 1/2 years sober in AA). She likes to think she is a “special” kind of alcoholic who is somehow different. Well, her way of thinking us going to kill her.

My aunt has always been like a second mother to me and I will miss her terribly when she is gone. I hope for her sake that she somehow finds a Higher Power to help her but I’m afraid it is too late for her. God bless all who are watching a loved one due of this horrible disease. There is hope in AA and Al-Anon for those who can get there and stay before it is too late.

March 4, 2012 at 10:33 am
(27) Julie says:

omg i have been reading your blog and realize he is in the end stages with no hope at the moment…its very sad

March 6, 2012 at 4:54 pm
(28) Immortalalkyswife says:

Neives — I know how much you must miss the mother you used to have. If you can, try to visit her one more time to say goodbye. Or write her a letter — that way she can read it over and over again. Maybe she’ll read it on a day when she is “less” drunk.

Judy — It’s funny how some alcoholics just think they are different from the rest. I wish they could all have a video of themselves doing the disgustingly ridiculous things drunks do and then be able to watch themselves on a “more sober” day. I don’t know that it would help get them into treatment, but it would be worth a try.

Julie — Yes. The end is near for Riley — but we’ve been here before — that’s why I call him the Immortal Alcoholic. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you will find it helpful.

FYI — I’ve created a support group on Facebook called OARS F&F Group. It is a private group so nothing written can be seen by anyone other than the group members. We are non-judgmental and non-critical. It’s an alternative to Al-Anon. Just a bunch of people providing each other support and trading information. If you want to join us, go to Facebook and search for OARS F&F Group. Then ask for permission to join. I’ll approve you and then you can join right in. There is someone here 24/7 so help is always available.

March 30, 2012 at 12:59 pm
(29) Marinda Nieuwenhuis says:

I am so sorry for everyone affected by alcholism due to their spouses and/or family members. However, I am a alcholic, despretately wanting to stop, but cannot, I have searched websites for help, seen pshyciatrists, gp’s and have been to rehab, it runs in my family. I am dying, I know it. If jou are not in this situation, no-one can comment on anything. Please remember you are not in their shoes, you do not know what is happening in an alcholic’s life or mindset. I know that my alcholim is not by choice, I did not wake up one morning and desided I wanted to become an alcoholic. It happend over time when I didnt notice. There is no hope and there is no future and there is no quick fix. I am however to weak to continue trying to stop. I am hoping to die soon, I am 35 years old, morbidly obese, altough I do not eat, my high blood pressure is out of control. The Bible teaches us that no drunkard will inherit the Kingtom of Heaven, that means me, so where do you think my soul wil go to when I die.

April 1, 2012 at 9:32 am
(30) Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Marinda — PLEASE, PLEASE do not lose hope. No one ever wakes up and decides to become an alcoholic. No one says “I want to be a drunk when I grow up.” Being alcoholic was never your choice. Some alcoholics attain many years of sobriety and make a conscious choice to return to drinking. That doesn’t sound like you.

I have a very strong following of alcoholics on my blog. If you go there and ask for help, my readers will reach out to you. In the meantime, please send me your location in a private e-mail at immortalalcoholic@gmail.com. Let me see if there is anything I can do to help. I can’t make you any guaratees, but please be confident that I WILL try.

I can sense your frustration and loss of hope. I’m not an alcoholic, so I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. That doesn’t mean I would want anything bad to happen to you.

Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife)

April 22, 2012 at 6:07 am
(31) tracey says:

Hi my partner is an alcoholic – i’m finding it more and more difficult to cope with. His personality changes and he is uncaring and hurtful, confused, slurred speech and loss of balance but at the time he is not drunk. Also whenever he gets like this (more frequently now) he has a strange kind of sweet smell to him (very hard to describe) – this sounds weird but i can smell him in every room he’s been in – is this normal ?

April 25, 2012 at 7:20 am
(32) Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Tracey — Has your alcoholic ever been diagnosed for diabetes? These symptoms are often confused with being drunk. It is not uncommon for alcoholics to become diabetic. I know how difficult it is to get an alcoholic to get medical treatment, but maybe if you explain to him that the affects of alcohol may be heightened if he is diabetic, he/she may be more agreeable to getting checked out.

Often times people get tickets for driving under the influence when they are in fact suffering from a diabetic episode. Please try to get your partner tested for diabetes. If you have a friend with a blood glucose monitor, see if you can borrow it. Getting a reading can quickly tell if it may be a problem. Especially since he/she may not want to go to the doctor.

In the meantime, I hear your need for support and understanding. You might benefit from joining the OARS F&F support group. As a group we tend to be able to answer each other’s questions from differing points of view. You will find non-judgmental support and a safe place to vent. It is completely private. I hope to grant you permission for access in the very near future. — Linda

May 1, 2012 at 11:34 pm
(33) Dan says:

I just lost my wife to this disease. We have two children 18 and 16 and had been married for 24 years. I left her 18 months ago as her affection to alcohol had replaced me (had for a number of years prior) and I couldn’t take it anymore. Our marriage spiraled out of control in recent years owing to her addiction an my desire for a normal life. I am left with so much sorrow and guilt for leaving her alone to die. I don’t know if returning would have prevented her death because she didn’t stop despite my threats to leave before I did. At the end of the day my children are without a mother and I am left with such a hole in my heart as I truly loved her, wanted to find a way back to her but every time I would go home to take care of her, I just couldn’t return.

May 2, 2012 at 2:42 pm
(34) Theresa says:

I married my husband (now 54) 10 years ago knowing he was an alcoholic. He had a good job, was a good husband, and a wonderful human being. That isn’t to say he wasn’t a jerk sometimes when drinking, or that Saturday nights watching him passed out on the couch at 5:00 pm wasn’t a drag, but overall he is and was a kind & loving man. I’ve watched him struggle w/ drinking but never understood truely where alcoholism ends. I understand now; Sobriety, Insanity, or Death. My heart is breaking watching him struggle at the end. There is always hope but I’m not certain how he is still alive as it is. He is either drinking or in DTs. He has had three medical detoxes in the last year but has not been able to find sobriety. People do say I am enabling even though I moved out of our home for 6 mos. I was back every few days to make sure he was still alive (falling constantly & was no longer eating). They don’t seem to understand that this is the end – either he stops or he dies. No small comfort I give him at this point will change anything one way or the other. He is scared & alone. I am trying to get him to come home but he refuses. He is in a cheap motel where he went immediatly after his last detox & stint in a physical rehab (of course they let him leave even though he had no where to go – I hoped they would force him to stay since he had been admitted to the hospital on a CA 5150 as ‘gravely disabled’). I love this man & always will. I am taking care of me but so want him to find peace. Sorry for all of us. What a terrible disease and harder because most people don’t understand that it is a disease not a lifestyle choice. (.

May 3, 2012 at 7:42 am
(35) Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Dan — The thing you must understand is that the woman who died that you were married to is not your wife. That loving woman that was your soul mate died way before now.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. There was nothing you could have done that would have changed the end result. There are only two cures for alcoholism — sobriety or death. It is unfortunate that her cure was not sobriety.

The best thing you can do now is be the very best father you can be for your children. They are vulnerable to drugs and alcohol not just because they had an alcoholic parent, but because they are in pain and may seek some form of relief. Be open with them. They will have a special radar that will tell them when you are not being honest. Talk to them. When they screw up (and they will) use rational calm logic rather than fear and anger to guide them along. They are in just as much pain as your are, but they are not as experienced or as mature as you in dealing with all of this.

Forgiving yourself is extremely difficult — I know from experience. But once you’ve done that, you will be open to accepting the gift your wife gave you. That is the gift of being released from all the chaos and insanity that alcoholism brings. Celebrate her life and all the good things it gave you. Hate the alcoholism without hating her. — LInda

May 3, 2012 at 7:55 am
(36) Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Theresa — As I have said before there are only two ways out of alcoholism — sobriety or death. There is no middle ground. The insanity is just a symptom of the alcoholism. Unfortunately, sobriety cannot be forced on anyone. Sometimes the alcohol has such a strong hold it becomes the mistress, the soulmate. There really is nothing you can do to stop it. Your husband is the only one who can make it stop. It seems he has made his choice clear.

I know you don’t want him to die. No one wants a family member to die of this horrible thing. But, at some point, you must accept his wishes. If his wish is to continue drinking and defacto his wish is death. All you can do is try to make sure he understands the consequeces. After that — there isn’t much left you can do.

Calling you an enabler is not helping you. No one should judge you for what you do because unless it is their situation, they really can’t even imagine what it is like. You might consider joining the OARS group because we will provide support and understanding without being judgmental or critical.

In the meantime, you must decide what you want for yourself. You must decide how far you will go to help him and what kind of help you are willing to provide. Will you give him a soft place to die? Or will you fight to keep him alive? Keeping him alive may not bring back the man you fell in love with. Whatever you decision, make sure you have support and knowledge about what’s ahead. — Linda

June 7, 2012 at 9:39 pm
(37) Natalie says:

I watched my Dad kill himself, now my sister, as I type she is in her apt. dead drunk to the world, and sit here feeling remorse, anger, regret..had a panic attack this morning. Just can’t seem to get on with my day in a pleasureful way, because I am thinking about what a bad shape she is in. The strange thing is …I really do not know how to detach, I’m her sister. Everybody else has unhooked with exception of my mother and myself. I can get pretty angry when she drinks, so for that reason and my sanity I stay away.Parts of me want her to wake up and get on with it, but then another part wishes she doesn’t so she never has to face this life and herself, which she does not seem to love. I sound horrible, but I am honest.

June 16, 2012 at 10:06 am
(38) Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Natalie — You are NOT horrible. You are simply HUMAN. Imagine that!

Detachment is one of the hardest things to do especially for parents and siblings. Maybe if you can think of it as not ignoring or rejecting your sister, but rather accepting the fact that you cannot control or cure the alcoholism maybe that will help. I know how much you want to help her. There’s nothing wrong with checking on her, but you just can’t be her servant.

I urge you to join the OARS F&F Group on FaceBook. It is private and what is said there stays there. No one except group members can see the posts. There are other members in exactly your situation. There is no judgment or citicism.

In the meantime, there isn’t much you can do except to keep encouraging her to enter treatment. Try to catch her on a day when she is less drunk — maybe a little hung over — when she is a bit remorseful. She may be more receptive to a change if she is hurting from her habit. Maybe both you and Mom could go together to talk to her — sort of a mini-intervention. It would helpful if you had somewhere lined up where she could go almost immediately — waiting a day or two will give her time to change her mind.

Linda

June 20, 2012 at 9:28 pm
(39) sherri says:

My husband must be in end stage but no doctor will ever say. They just say he will die if he doesn’t stop. How do I know. He was diagnosed with cirrosis at least 3 years ago. He drinks himself into oblivion every day and even drinks during the night. He has encephalopathy and falls a lot if he doesn’t take his meds to help with that. He also has cerebellum brain damage and that is permanent. He has fallen and hit his head so many times. He spends a large part of his day sleeping in the chair totally out of it. He has been to 3 detox in the past year and drinks the day he comes home. he cannot stop and I cannot stop him either. Very difficult for the married sons to understand and causes a lot of grief. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to watch and feel so helpless.

June 22, 2012 at 7:38 am
(40) Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Sherri — It does sound as if he may be end-stage. The doctors will never say he is dying at the present time. They will only say exactly what you have heard. I just posted about the liver cells regeneration. You might want to take a look at it. Also — I encourage your to join the OARS F&F Support Group through FaceBook. It’s completely private. What is said there stays there. There are many others in your situation who find the support in our group to be extremely helpful. — Linda

July 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm
(41) WisePat says:

These past weekend my brother died of a heart attack. He was 53. Alcohol and smoking. It is a horrible disease. The family tried to help over and over. So much loss and regret for what could have been.

July 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm
(42) Julie says:

I divorced my husband after 37 years of marriage…the last ten were miserable due to his alcoholism. Our daughter has no relationship with her father and she learned today from mutual friends that he is probably near death. They said he is completely swollen, doesn’t leave the house…seems like his body is shutting down. He still has someone to get his beer for him everyday. My concern is how my daughter (37 yrs) is going to deal with his death…she doesn’t want to see him. He treated her badly and she finally had enough and refused to have anything to do with him. He called her recently and left a message (drunken) and said he wanted to bury the hatchet. I asked her how she felt about it and she said she wasn’t ready. How can I help her deal with the finality of his death?

July 22, 2012 at 9:35 am
(43) Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Julie — Of course he wants to bury the hatchett. In spite of his hazy reality, maybe he really knows the end is coming. The alcoholic seldom understands the depth of their destruction. He says he wants to bury the hatchett — does he think she owes him an apology for something? In my opinion, she owes him nothing more than she wants to give. The truth is it might take her years and lots of therapy to get past her experiences with her father.

On the other hand, if he dies and she has not said what she needs to say — no matter what that is — she may always feel the loss of the opportunity. I suggest that you tell her to write down what she would like to say to him — good or bad. Encourage her to read it aloud to him in a controlled environment when she has a strong support person with her. If she feels she can’t read it to him — then have someone else do it and report back to her with his response.

Your daughter’s REAL father died a long time ago. She may have already grieved that loss and if she has it will make his final death easier for her to handle. When she grieves this time, it will be for the relationship she COULD have had — for a lost relationship.

In my opinion, the best way to prepare her is to talk to her about the impending situation. Tell her this may be her last chance to either forgive or reveal her true anger. Tell her that once she does this, she will never have to do it again. She won’t carry it around as something she regretted not doing.

Linda

September 8, 2012 at 8:33 pm
(44) righteous says:

I’ve read some of the previous posts while searching for a solution to handle an alcoholic sister with whom I share a home. When she’s drinking, she’s abusive and bullying 24 hrs a day. Yelling and cursing, slamming doors in the middle of the night. 4.5 years of it. I’m sick myself with nerves.
Alcoholism is NOT a disease. It is an addiction to a dangerous substance which leads to diseases.

I agree with the poster who states that alcoholic drinks should be banned. So many people die at the hands of people on alcohol. I say bring back PROHIBITION. Why make this stuff legal? Who cares about those that like a drink and don’t have the addiction.
The cost of care for alcoholics and their related illnesses is overwhelming and yet we still have it available to the general public. Make it so people have to get a license to drink. A waiting period where they are investigated through every government agency to see if they were ever in a rehab, in jail w/DUI, in family court, etc.. and a license not issued to those who have abused the privilege of drinking alcohol.
We will be able to save loved ones who have no control over the effects of this drug and who kill themselves or others.

September 22, 2012 at 7:22 am
(45) Immortalalkyswife says:

Hummm…. a license to drink… that’s an interesting idea. I don’t believe an out and out prohibition would solve the problem, but rather just make it worse. But the “license to drink” thing seems like a good idea. — Linda (The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife)

September 25, 2012 at 3:15 am
(46) Anon says:

Her name was ——–. She was beautiful; inside and out. You couldn’t be around her without laughing for longer than 2 minutes, when she was sober.
——- was an alcoholic. She was 15 when she started drinking uncontrollably, every day. She was a couple of months shy of 19 when she drank herself to death. How could this happen to such a young beautiful person? A few weeks before it happened she looked horrible. She was incredibly pale, thin, lethargic and just plain sickly. I remember her complaining of her face “being on fire” and we thought it was because she hadn’t slept but thinking back I know understand it was because she was extremely intoxicated. ——– was NEVER cold. She loved fall and came alive in the season so it striked me as so odd was she started getting extremely cold. Layers of clothing couldn’t help it. This was VERY out of the ordinary for ——-.
In and out of treatment nothing could seem to help her. I know that she was and still is an angel. When she was young you could see a halo over her head as she slept.
It affected her brain first, then slowly, her body. She became pale, weak, tired, and sick. You couldn’t look at her and not see how uncomfortable she was. She stopped eating, sleeping and caring. This world, this conciousness, this realm wasn’t for her anymore. I don’t blame her for leaving, for finally letting go. I love you baby and will see you again someday, happy.

September 26, 2012 at 11:09 pm
(47) Steve says:

I lived through this hell and have 7 years of sobriety,but really any alcoholic only gets one day. A one day reprieve if you do things right. Recently my brother called about a friends ex wife and her being released from the hospital to hospice care with oxygen and a morphine drip. They have given her up to die with little help that can be offered. My heart goes out to him and her. This disease and believe me it is a disease only ends in death or sobriety. Its a terrible way to go really. My heart goes out to those who for whatever reason cant get free…by accepting the 12 steps.
For me its about that one day reprieve and God being on the throne of my life.To all those who say an alcoholic can quit ,be sober and return to a normal drinking life…I want to say this is a total lie.

October 14, 2012 at 7:58 pm
(48) Mark R says:

My younger sister and I coped with, managed and struggled with seeing both our parents being “functional alcoholics” our entire lives. We lost our mother in March of 2003 and then just recently, we lost our father October 2012. Alcoholism took them from us. Mother was more directly related to the cirrohsis, Father passed away from the complications from it. Yet, both were the Immortal Alcoholics. Our days and nights are filled with tears and fears, but blended with happiness that the emotional roller coaster is now over. The loss, the sadness is aching and of course left us with the natural “what if” questions. However, we are better people now and will survive. The tears have come and and will continue as we prepare to bury our father soon. But to all those who are survivors, remember you’re inner strength. My hurt, pain, sadness will always exist, but it is what it is.

Mark R.
Green Bay, WI

October 29, 2012 at 4:52 pm
(49) Kathy says:

My husband was famous for saying he doesn’t have a problem. Now he keeps saying he is to far gone and there is nothing anyone can do. Every day I wonder if today is the day. He has lost his memory and repeats things. The verbal abuse is always there, but he doesn’t see anything but a loving marriage. If my son didn’t see the same things I do, I would have thought I was crazy. I am very tired of it all. He started drinking before we got together. Now he says he drinks more because of me. I know better, but am very tired of it all. If I didn’t put up with it he started on the kids. I couldn’t before and can’t afford to leave. I’m just waiting for it to be over.

November 5, 2012 at 5:19 pm
(50) Sandi says:

Reading everyone’s comments make me feel sad and better at the same time. My husband, like many others was an alcoholic before I met him 13 years ago. He drank everyday after work and all day on his days off. I know he didn’t drink at work because we worked for the same company. He would shake uncontrolably all day at work til he could get that first drink in him when he got home. He lost his first job after being with a company for 25 years. The day he lost his job he began to drink all hours of the day and continued to do so for 6 weeks. He became physically abusive to me and pettioned the court to have Marchman Acted. I won and he was placed in detox center for 2 weeks. I was ridculed by friends because I didn’t do it sooner. I was always taught that you help somebody unless they want help.

He stayed clean for 6 months and then slowly started to drink again. It varies how much he drinks. Some weeks he only drinks on his days off and others it is everyday (still not at work). When he is off he drinks from the minute he gets up until he passes out and then repeats as he sees fit. The verbal abuse is rediculous. I have been yelled at for eating food that was “his”, for sitting on my fat ass all day (mother of 3, 5’8″ and 124 lbs), and for never being home. No one should be treated like they are dirt on the ground like I feel sometimes.

I love my husband with all my heart, but he is no help to me at home with chores or the kids. I stopped buying his booze and stopped asking to have or go to dinner with me and the kids. I always feel so alone. I realize that I am not alone. I have my beautiful children that wake everyday for. I now do the things I want to do for myself and them.

I do need to ask, what stage his my husband?

November 9, 2012 at 9:13 am
(51) Immortalalkyswife says:

Steve — Riley once asked a Substance Abuse Counselor how he can drink and still maintain his sobriety. If being sober meant he would never be able to drink again — he would choose the drink even if it meant he would die. She truthfully told him, he could not be sober and still drink.

Mark, Kathi and Sandi — Please consider joining the OARS support group. There are other people there who share your pain. There is no judgment or criticism — just support, understanding and resources. Even if your A is no longer alive, you have much to share that will help others who have not yet received that gift of freedom. OARS is now on an independent site and membership is by invitation only. There is no cost to join or participate. Please e-mail me at LIndaWrites@live.com and I’ll send you the invitation to our group. You can also join us on Facebook as OARS F&F Group.

Sandi — It’s hard to say where your husband stands in the midst of his alcoholism. It is my opinion, that small children should not be exposed to alcoholics — but only you can decide what is best for them. I think you may have some options for your situation, but none are easy decision. There are several women in exactly your position in the OARS Group — I think you could find them amazingly supportive and understanding.

November 15, 2012 at 11:49 pm
(52) Molly says:

I have an old friend who is 72 years old. He and I were an “item” back in the late ’60′s when he was 25 and I was 19. The relationship lasted for just two years when he decided he needed to “play the field” and I left.

Over the years, we periodically were in touch with each other over the phone for maybe a week or two at a time, but never met back up in person. Then years would go by again before we were back in touch via telephone.

Just over a year ago, I moved back out to the West coast and he and I met up.

He has not aged very well, I have to say, and at first I thought it was because of some long standing health problems he had from a bad motorcycle accident he had when he was 25. He has been on Coumadin for years because of a clotting problem.

Anyway, I have now finally realized that much of his problem is alcohol related. I found just about a month ago after he was over for a weekend but only stayed part of the day that he had consumed like 20 oz of vodka that day! Then he took off after arguing with himself about something! I was dumbfounded because I could NOT figure out what the heck was going on with him! I thought he had had one regular drink I had made him that evening, however, after he left I discovered the nearly empty vodka bottle!

More….next entry.

Molly

November 15, 2012 at 11:53 pm
(53) Molly says:

Shortly after that, he ended up in the hospital because of a complaint of extreme pain in his right shoulder and his hand blown up to twice its size. His feet are always swelled up if he doesn’t strictly adhere to a low sodium diet (which he falls off of frequently). They gave him all sorts of medications and gave him prednisone and morphine but never came up with a diagnosis.

BTW…he told me he had not showered in like a WEEK! Then he went to the hospital in the same clothes he had been wearing all that time straight!

I later found out he never even told his doctor he had been drinking! I also found out he had been taking oxycodone 5mg numerous times a day until his prescription ran out and he couldn’t get any more. As a matter of fact, that was JUST the day before he checked himself into the hospital.

Well, he’s been out for almost three weeks now, but for a while there I thought he was going to die. He told me he was constantly in a cold sweat and he was still swollen. He was throwing up even if he thought about eating food. BUT….he was still drinking! He was putting Jack Daniels into hot tea. I kept telling him he HAD to eat, he had to make himself eat or he would simply starve himself to death.

He told me he looked in the mirror and almost scared himself because he said it looked like his eyes had sunken into his head. I asked him to please look at the whites of his eyes and tell me what they looked like. He told me they were a nice clear white. Somehow, I doubt that. He has a tendency to hold things back from me.

More next entry….

Molly

November 15, 2012 at 11:55 pm
(54) Molly says:

He FINALLY began eating two days ago because I nagged and nagged him. I think I probably scared him into eating because I told him if he didn’t eat, he would be dead by the end of the week then.

Now, he was telling me that besides the constant dripping night sweats that keep him up all night long, he had a pimple just behind his earlobe and he squeezed it. He told me that now today, it is a very big bump going from his earlobe down his neck towards his chin and is very painful. I don’t know if this is related to the alcoholism or not or maybe his chronic kidney or liver disease, but I bet it must have something to do with it. He says he’s never had anything like that before.

We speak on the phone several times a day and he always has new symptoms to relate to me. They are not pretty and really worry me.

He wants to come here for me to take care of him but there is NO WAY I will do that. My first husband was an alcoholic and I cannot go through that all again. I am only friends with this person and try to help him as much as I can by going to the store for him when he’s here for a day or two so he has food to go back home with, etc. He lives about an hour away over in a bordering state.

One more comment to come….

Molly

November 15, 2012 at 11:56 pm
(55) Molly says:

He refuses to admit his alcoholism. He says he likes to drink and that he can quit any time he wants to. He says he went for a whole year once without drinking. But every time he EVER comes over here, he seems to feel he needs to “party”. In other words, DRINK. Even though I very seldom ever drink (and especially refrain from it when he’s here), he still wants to drink when he’s here.

I don’t know what all may or may not be wrong with him and I certainly don’t know how far along his disease is, but when he was in the hospital, he was also being treated for diabetes with insulin shots sometimes twice a day. However, when they released him, they did not give him insulin to take. Really confused with THAT!

Well, that’s some of my story. I’m sorry for the length of this, but I have been holding this in for a while now and it just never seems to get any better.

:-)

Molly

November 17, 2012 at 1:56 am
(56) Becky says:

My life story is not different than many of yours! I’ve been married for 20 years to an excellent, compassionate and kind human being…that is also an alcoholic. I just got home from dropping him at the hospital, I came home from work to find him in a pool of blood. I though I’d lost him but it was just a fall that ended with a fractured nose. With the help of Alanon I have been able to detach my self from the alcoholic but not from the person; I believe he has the right to choose how he wants to live his life and it’s obvious that the alcohol has won that battle. But I have to act when I see him physically hurt and I need to make a choice for him to seek medical attention even against his will. He has been in the hospital 4 times within the last 4 weeks, I think the end is Getting near! I am at peace because I have done everything within my power to help him, and to allow him to help himself! I hurt for him but most of all for my 12 year boy and 18 yr girl as I believe they deserved so much more from their father. I am a women of faith and I firmly believe that one should never lose hope! While there’s life, there’s hope!!!
Blessing and hugs!

November 24, 2012 at 8:43 pm
(57) Worried Wife at Wits end says:

Hello. I would like to make a post but I don’t know what the URL is. Sorry but guess I need this info to proceed. I have info to contribute. Please let me know what I need to do….I really do thank you.

December 30, 2012 at 1:43 pm
(58) michelle says:

I am watching my dad die in the final stages of alcoholism. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Its just like dying of cancer. I know I cared for my bestfreind in 2010. I’m going to buy this book. I think I could benifit from it. From a broken heart. Michelle

January 3, 2013 at 4:35 pm
(59) Immortalalkyswife says:

Worried Wife — You don’t need a URL to post here.

Everyone — I have created a new website for the support group. It is completely private and there are many there who have had your experiences. You must have in invitation to join and gain access. This is your invitation:

http://oarsffgroup.ning.com/?xgi=5RdlI9D9YVdEJw

As soon as I get notification I will approve you to join.

Linda (Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife)

March 4, 2013 at 12:33 am
(60) Brian says:

Iíve been an alcoholic almost all my life. Took my first drink at 11 (blacked out and passed out on that day). From age 15 to age 43, I drank heavily on Friday or Saturday night only (eight to ten beers). The hangovers were too much for me, which kept me from doing it too often and I couldnít handle being hung over at work. At age 44, I lost someone very special in my life, which continues to bring me great pain. After that loss, I began to drink a 12 pack every other day. That increased rapidly to a case every other day. Iím now 47 and realize that Iíll die very soon if I donít stop completely.

I can feel the beginnings of health issues. Itís gotten to the point where everything seems meaningless and I no longer have an interest in doing anything outside of my work tasks. Iím starting to lose interest in work as well. Itís difficult for me to go more than a day without a drink, though the severity of the hangovers still keeps me from drinking every day. I donít drink anything except light beer. I know I canít handle wine or hard liqueur so I stay far away from that. Yes, alcohol is alcohol, but limiting myself to light beer keeps me from passing out, blacking out, or doing anything stupid. Even after a case of beer I know better than to leave my home or to have any contact with others. So that I donít run into anyone, I only check mailbox after 10PM. Iíve thrown up from drinking only three or four times in my life (only after drinking tons of hard alcohol), so Iím surprised when someone else gets sick after drinking. I have a strict policy of never driving drunk and take cabs if Iím going to drink outside the home, which happens around once every six to eight months.

More in next post…

March 4, 2013 at 12:34 am
(61) Brian says:

After the loss I experienced a few years ago, I socially isolated myself. I’ve never needed a lot of close friends, but now I work at not having anyone in my life. Only one person knows that Iím struggling to stop drinking and he checks in on me once per week to make sure Iím still amongst the living. Iím not married nor do I have children. I donít like to be around anyone when I drink and I donít answer the phone or the door if someone happens to call or come by if I am.

I tried AA but didnít like the social aspects of the group meetings. Iím very much an introvert and could not bring myself to interact or put myself on the spot as the others in the meeting often did. I also felt uncomfortable discussing my issues with others when engaged one-on-one over the subject of alcoholism. Itís easy to relay this information online, which is part of the reason Iím doing so now. Itís also therapeutic to put things in words to others without uncomfortable or embarrassing contact.

Anyway, Iíd like to thank you all for posting your stories. Reading your words helps me to understand what other people might feel like if they knew the extent of my issue. After reading your stories and others like them, Iíve decided to try and quit. Hoping to not hit my upcoming 48th still being a total drunk. :) Sure would be nice to look myself in the mirror one day after not having had a drink for a monthÖyearÖand so on.

Again, thanks for sharing your stories.

March 10, 2013 at 6:53 am
(62) Immortalalkyswife says:

Brian — There are other recovery programs that are not associated with AA. Try SmartRecovery.com or RecoveryInnovations.com. In some states recovery coaches are available to help you in a one-on-one environment. I admire you for taking this step to return to sanity. –Linda

March 10, 2013 at 3:20 pm
(63) Denise says:

My husband has lost his job, and is on disability. A couple months ago he locked me out of the house, told the cops I was beating him. After a month or so, he called constantly asking me back. He ended upon the hospital had a alcohol seizure which almost killed him. They finally released him after a detoix week. It only took him two weeks and he started drinking again. He is a closet drinker, so he doesn’t drink in front of anyone and claims he does’t drink at all. He does not sleep, the doctors tell him he will die if he does not stop. I have been told by lawyers due to his disability I will get less than half financially. I work two jobs and do everything,he sits home every day and does nothing to help me. I’m not willing to give it all to him, since I worked hard these 32 years of marriage. I’m in alanon which helps me so much to know that I’m not alone. I wish this was over, and we both can be out of the pain soon.

March 11, 2013 at 9:22 am
(64) Immortalalkyswife (Linda) says:

Denise — I hear this over and over. “I wish this was over.” I want you to know that many other people feel exactly as you do. AlAnon is a wonderful organization but I want to let you know that there is more help out there. You are welcome to join either or both of my two private support jobs — OARS F&F Group on either Ning or Facebook. Below is your invitation to the ning site:

http://oarsffgroup.ning.com/?xgi=5RdlI9D9YVdEJw

Linda

March 15, 2013 at 9:01 am
(65) cynthia says:

hi, my ex husband,,my boys’ father passed yesterday..He was an alcoholic..We were together over 20 years..I’m so sad..All I do is cry..It’s a very sad thing to see a loved one slowly deteriorate..very sad…

March 30, 2013 at 7:03 am
(66) Linda (Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

Cynthia — I’m very sorry for your loss. You will find a lot of support for others who have lost a love one from this poison in a bottle on my OARS F&F Group site. Use this link to request permission to join. http://oarsffgroup.ning.com/?xgi=5Dg4UVPALaUyoz
In the maintime, just remember that he has given your boys a very special gift — the gift of freedom from insanity.

April 7, 2013 at 5:57 pm
(67) Poe says:

I have read through every one of these stories and it broke my heart. I met the man I love 3 years ago and together we faced so much. His mothers death (probably due to years of alcoholism…my grandfathers death .. He left me a few weeks ago and until now thought it was the most selfish thing he had done. He is 33 years old and an alcoholic. His body is beginning to betray him as is his mind. Much like Brian, he drinks only beer because anything stronger makes him crazy. He drinks between 12 and 18 beers a night and more on the weekends. It hurts so badly to have no contact with him .. he is slowly killing himself and he knows it. He has a bleeding ulcer… has to force himself to eat before he goes to bed because he has lost so much weight. He used to be fit and toned .. now he has lost all muscle tone. He has chest pains and strange rashes appear on his skin… I want so badly to reach out to him but am afraid he will just get angry and drink more.

April 11, 2013 at 11:49 am
(68) Sondra says:

My 60 year old sister is dying of alcoholism as we speak. Weighs 100 lbs and refuses to eat……….quit her job and only wants to sit in the dark and drink all day. She was in rehab for 30 days, checked herself out and was drinking two hours afer coming home. Out mother died two years ago on Christmas Day and I promised her on her death bed (which my sister never came to see her in the hospital…..too drunk) that I would take care of my sister. We have tried everything….she now says she can’t even keep her alcohol down….throws it up immediately. She won’t go for help…….

April 16, 2013 at 2:37 pm
(69) Loulou says:

My dad drank himself to death 2006, my mum died of cancer 2004 and he used it as an excuse – had drank for many years before she died.2 years of repeated hospital detox, cleaning his house of filth, cleaning him, he fell and broke his hip, contracted TB etc etc My sister is also dying of alcohol abuse (she was a Senior Dual Diagnosis Physchiatric Nurse!!) Lost her job, house, daughter and only I have any contact with her now. She goes to any length to get alcohol…..allows men to use and abuse her as long as they give her a bottle(recently spent a week with an ex patient!)has sold her tv and any other possessions. She has attended numerous rehabs over the last 3 years and comes out and does the same. Her face is swollen and her hair is falling out……..she hates herself but cant or wont stop. I have cried, pleaded, argued, drove 600 miles to get her to rehab but realise nothing will help even though I know my sister is still in there somewhere. It’s heartbreaking for me but also for her because she hates herself so much.

April 20, 2013 at 10:22 pm
(70) Sandra Nelson says:

This is the first time I have been on this site. My oldest brother (60yrs old) is dying from alcoholism. He started drinking in his teens and for the past 20t years,his drinking has been out of control.. He lost his job, his children have disowned him, he’s had 3 divorces , 3 serious automobile wrecks where he’s broken his neck twice and sustained other life threatening injuries… He drinks until he is too sick to get out and get more. Last fall, he quit eating, and bathing and had bedsores from lying on his couch drunk so much. I was doing the “death Check” every few days . When he got to this point, I told him , he was dying ( he was soiling himself and could no longer stand on his feet or walk) and that if he got scared enough, he should call 911 as there was nothing more I could do for him. He called me the next morning (5:00 AM) to tell me he had called 911 and was in the ER. HE was admitted and remained in the hosp for 2 weeks. Upon discharge,he was diagnosed “incompetent due to chronic alcoholism” and was sent to a nursing home . After a couple months, of physical therapy and cognitive therapy, he started to thrive. He was walking,eating and helping other patients.. When he had been there for 8 months, a faction of Agency on Aging, deemed him well enough to go home and basically said “you are out.” TWO DAYS after being released , he was back to drinking. I saw him today, ( I had not heard from him for a week ). He’s back to not eating, severe tremors,vomiting, incontinence, and his face is all bruised and cut from various falls he doesn’t recall. After losing both parents about 11/2 yrs ago, and then the man that I had been dating for a year, dropped dead of a heart attack 10 months after I buried my father. I know I can not control what my brother does but I’m having trouble accepting yet another death.

May 4, 2013 at 9:36 am
(71) Nicola says:

I myself am going though a very hard time at the moment I have been with my fiancť for just over 2 years and he was a recovering alcoholic having had 6 small relapses In 2 years lasting around 4-6 days he’s a binge drinker can go for months without a drink then drinks constantly for days and doesn’t eat or wash which is totally out of character as he is immaculate sober. He dissapeared on a binge 7 days ago which has been the longest since I met him, we have twin girls that are 17 months old he has a boy of 11 from a previous relationship who is heartbroken that his dad has let him down again and I have 2 older children from a previous marriage. It is so hard to continue with normal life when he is not here I am a staff nurse so deal with alcoholics on a professional level but have never lived with one, my fiancť is only 37!! Myself and his family have decided that the time has come for him to be left on his own( he is checked on at his own house to see he is ok) we feel that he needs to stop drinking for himself and admit he is an alcoholic he thinks he can be sober for months then be ok to have a drink, I normally drag him home detox him after 4-6 days but I need to think of myself and my children and I can’t do this again, his mum checks on him and I have not saw him since he left, this is so hard for me as I love him with all my heart he is my sole mate but the drink is killing what we have, I just don’t know what to do anymore I am heart broken!!

May 20, 2013 at 8:37 pm
(72) Karen says:

Hello, can anyone tell me a place in central Fl
Where I can take a field trip, to show my daughter not tell my daughter what her alcoholism will do to her. Like scared straight kind of thing? Thank you

May 30, 2013 at 9:00 am
(73) Linda (Immortal Alcoholic's Wife) says:

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be here in a while.

I just want to tell all of you that you are welcome to join our OARS Family and Friends Support Group.:

http://oarsffgroup.ning.com/?xgi=4R6sAeUek4uZ9X

You will find a lot of support, understanding, resources, etc. for other people who share your experiences.

The OARS numbers are growing and it makes me both sad and happy. Sad that there is such a need for this group and happy that there is a place where we can get help.

If you are in the area of Outer Banks NC, we will have our first ever OARS live meeting during the second week of July. If you can attend, please know that you are more than welcome. Come out and after the meeting enjoy the beach and all it offers!

May 30, 2013 at 9:04 am
(74) Linda (Immortal Alcoholics Wife) says:

Karen — Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing for our young ones to see? It would be a wake-up call if they could see other youngsters and how alcohol has had an impact on their lives.

I know of no such place. But I truly wish I did. Because of privacy issues, I doubt you will find a detox center who will let you witness a detox situation.

I don’t know if it is possible, but maybe the youngster could volunteer at a detox/rehab center and that might give some insight.

Linda

June 23, 2013 at 6:57 pm
(75) cindy says:

I have been married to an end stage alcoholic for 28 years. He has been at deaths door at least five times or more. Every time he starts to feel better, he starts drinking all over again. The latest episode he when in to the hospital and was there for three days. I will not go in there with him or to visit him any more.but the day he got out he was drinking that day and was back in the hospital the next afternoon. I try to leave him, or kick him out, but he will not leave. He always says that he wants to work things out. I am at my ends rope. He is a great person when I can catch him solber. I don’t want the mental and emotional abuse anymore. I am to the point where I am sticking around only because of fear or having to live on my own without his support and income. Yeah I love him, but I love myself more. He knows the next round is going to be divorce court. So for now he is staying solber, until he feels like he has another reason to drink that next bottle. The man has been in detox a number of times, and every time he says he wants to go to rehab, he comes up with a reason why he can’t go. Like how are you gonna pay the bills and the rent. So i feel trapped in this circus of a marriage.

June 25, 2013 at 2:15 am
(76) Steve R. says:

Endstage Alcoholism is the most insidious horriffic experience a family member has to witness. I slowly watched my father pass away as a wet brain alcoholic in a veterans hospital, It took over twelve years before he past. He lived only for the one drink of wiskey he received everyday at the hospital, the pub hour he called it. No family no human by that means should ever have to witness something so horrible as that.

July 6, 2013 at 10:25 am
(77) JD says:

My spouse is an alcoholic. I believe he wants sobriety, and he goes for long periods of time without drinking, but he has never fully embraced a life of recovery. From time to time, he goes to AA or counseling on his own, but doesn’t stick with it. The anger in him is overwhelming. We no longer live together because the last time he stormed out in a fit of anger and verbal abuse, I did not let him come back to my home. That was three years ago.
I have learned everything I can about this disease, and do my best not to enable his alcoholism or behaviors. Like so many alcoholics, he thinks he is ‘a little bit different’. He has lost more than one job due to drinking at work, and is now unemployed. He denies and says these are false claims. He has reasonably good health at this point and is not afraid of doctors. I watch his life follow a pattern that resembles so many other alcoholics, and am fearful constantly that he is going to die a horrible death. He isolates himself and has few friends and little contact with family, many of whom have addictions and cannot support his sobriety. I am exhausted by this disease. I believe in al-anon and live it to the best of my ability everyday.
Appreciate the support and wisdom of others.

July 7, 2013 at 7:30 pm
(78) Ian Hutchinson says:

I am 43 and have been desperately trying to help my sister (44) who is in the hospital on what in Canada is called a form 1, Mandatory 72 hr psych evaluation. I am going to try to have her certified but I think there is very little chance of me doing this with the laws being what they are up here. From what I have been reading she is suffering from “wet brain” and from what I have seen of her behaviour over the past 2 wks she is not able to make decisions to care for herself. She is 5’10″ and about 90lbs, also has swelling feet and ankles. She also cannot remember anything she is told for more than about 20 – 30 minutes. She is a 20 year drinker and in the past 3 months she has managed to lose her boyfriend and her house and she cannot even tell me her address that she was last living at. not sure what other options I have as it seems my education on this issue is coming fast and furious at the 11th hour. I am already taking care of my elderly father, my 9 yr old son and my wife who has been diagnosed with a psychotic condition (genetic not alcohol related as she and I don’t drink). I watched my mother drink herself to death 5 yrs ago and I simply cannot expose my son to an alcoholic. So far the police and doctors up here have done nothing but try to make me feel guilty about not sheltering her but I have to protect my son. Anyone out there have any advice? I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and try to argue with the docs that she cant look after herself but I feel like I am walking into a minefield. I simply don’t understand how anyone that cant remember that they have been evicted from their home is fit to make decisions for themselves. Talk to me someone please, can I still save her life? from what I am reading in this blog it does not look like this is going to have a good outcome.

July 28, 2013 at 5:49 pm
(79) Stephanie says:

Linda, your blog inspired me not to give up. Unlike many others, my story lies with my father. I’m turning 21 next month and instead of wanting to go to bars, I’m shying away. My father is an alcoholic but refuses to admit it. He acknowledges he does drink too much, at times, but won’t admit he’s got a problem. He believes everyone has a problem with him and the way he chooses to live his life; this thought drives him to drink more. He’s been complaining over the last few days of shaking, night sweats, incoherent speaking… I’m a little worried that this is his end stages. If anyone could please give some advice, I’d appreciate it. My father is the closest person to me, I can’t bear to see this anymore

July 31, 2013 at 4:10 am
(80) Lisa says:

Wow, I knew I wasnt alone but had no idea……… my journey with my alcoholic loved one subsided last April when I finally left and didnt look back. I just couldnt do it another day……. It ended permanently 2 weeks ago when he passed away. We met when I was 19, and I didnt realize he was an alcoholic then, although looking back I see it now. In the last 5 years I have seen him drink to the point where he wont eat, shower, or drink anything other than alcohol. He would vomit and then drink some more. I have cleaned him up, his house up, fought with him, begged him, cried with him, taken him to rehab, begged his friends and family to help, all to no avail. I have watched him detox to where he was hallucinating, shaking, crying, and vomiting for days on end. His drinking had affected his moods in everyway, and when he was sober he could be very sweet and loving and then 10 minutes later would be cold, suspicious and accusatory. He has lied to me, lied about me, and blamed me for his problems and turned his friends and family against me with the lies he told to cover up his own abuse toward me. When he drank it would be for days or weeks on end, then sober for several weeks, then start all over again. His teeth were rotting, he was vomiting blood, and he was always sick or in pain, but he refused to see a doctor. He knew he was killing himself and he would cry and say he was afraid of what a doctor would say and that he couldnt quit though. He was a broken, sick man and there was nothing more I could do for him. I wasnt helping because I was growing to hate him because of the abuse he doled out daily. I chose to leave for good last April and havent spoken to him since. I received an email from one of his friends last week saying he had passed, and in a horrible way. He was drinking and fell and broke his neck. He was alone.

July 31, 2013 at 4:11 am
(81) Lisa says:

I have been heartbroken about the loss because in spite of all the abuse I still loved him and wanted to see him well. I really hate that he was alone, and that he went in such a horrific way, but then again there isnt a good way to succumb to your alcoholism. I know he is finally at peace and in a better place, with the devastating ravages of this disease no longer destroying him daily, but I miss him. I miss the real him. I miss the laughter, I miss the love, and I even miss the hope for the day he would finally recover, even though I knew deep down this was not going to happen. This is just too final for me at this point. I was able to reach his brother, who told me that the last time they spoke he told him how much he cared about me, and that meant so much to hear. I couldnt save him, but I loved him as best as I could, still do even after death, and I will miss him, but still be angry with him for a long time to come. He put me through so much and then ultimately killed himself with his drinking. I am going through so many conflicting emotions right now, but I know thats normal for a while, and I will eventually remember the good times and not regret the time, energy and love spent on him. For those of you who are still in the middle of the chaos, stay strong and know that it is okay to take care of yourself first. Sorry this was so long, but thank you for “listening”…………..

August 1, 2013 at 12:14 am
(82) Amanda says:

Wow I’m sad to see so many people going through this.. I feel a little bit of each comment. My mom is 55 and is a alcohlic in denial!! I don’t even know how I feel?? I feel like she’s in a last stage and think she’s one seizure away from death! We Don’t live in the same state but I get so mad on why is she doing this to herself. She’s been to the hospital 3 times do to seizures and hallucinates. I’m scared that its too late. I want my old mom back! Does it sound like its the end ?? Seizures seems like there’s no turning back?? I feel like I need answers and don’t know where to turn!!

August 3, 2013 at 7:36 pm
(83) Caughtup says:

I have known my husband since we were teenagers. We were highschool sweethearts and we broke up during his senior year. I moved on with another man and had a baby by him at the age of 22. He was a drinker..not sure if he was an alcoholic..but he did have a bad temper and he was often violent and demeaning. After several years of this I left him. After about a year I began getting calls from my husband who had moved out of state by now. He wanted me to come visit..maybe even come to stay and promised me everything. I finally found the balls to do it and believed in him though he was often drinking over the phone during our talks. I just thought thats how he wrapped up his work days not the fact that he was dependent upon it. In the beginning he was a liar and to me seemed overly dramatic which I later learned was for attention. Now after seeing him passed out..sick..pissing all over himself and in random places in our home I realized I was dealing with an alcoholic about maybe about 3 years ago but didnt realize the extent until NOW!! He has always talked about death and hurting himself and I thought he was just talking as he always did. When he is not drinking he is a pleasant, helpful individual. He is caring and charming and I miss those moments. Though he doesnt drink every day the days he does he binges and the days he doesn’t work he is mostly drunk from sun up to sun set. At this stage I am exhausted and disgusted. He has been verbally, physically and emotionally abusive and his rage is unleashed the more he drinks.

August 3, 2013 at 7:37 pm
(84) Caughtup says:

Continued…
He blames me for his drinking even though he has been drinking long before being with me. I did marry him knowing he was a drunk but I figured as long as he kept it under wraps which I now know was an idiotic thing to think, that somehow we could be the family we both wanted. HOW WRONG I WAS!! Most recently as in yesterday we got into an argument in the early morning hours. He was pushing me so I woke up the kids and left with them. I was gone a few hours and returned thinking he would be at work. When I got there his father was there telling me he couldnt get him down the 3 flights of stairs to remove him from our home. I went up to see what was going on when it was brought to my attention that he ingested 20-25 pills of Bentyl (he didnt know what it was) a muscle relaxer, xanax and adderall all while drinking heavily.

August 3, 2013 at 7:38 pm
(85) Caughtup says:

Continued….
He wrote several incoherent letters that I assume were suicide notes and he began falling all over the place. I called an ambulance and they took him to the hospital and put him on suicide watch. He cursed at me while I was there and eventually asked security to tell me to leave after he began to sober up which was 7-8 hrs after arrival. He is depressed and has been unhappy for sometime. Again he tells me its me and I don’t give him what he wants etc…In the beginning I drank with him but after we would fight shortly after becoming intoxicated I stopped. This angered him because he thought thats how we connected and said now we have nothing in common. I used to buy his beer now I refuse to go to the store at all and if he is with me and asks me to stop I always think twice. This angers him because I don’t want to be an enabler anymore. He is being talked to by mental health people but he is refusing the help. He said hes tired and doesnt care about me or our 3 kids (2) which are his. I don’t know how to let him go if this is what he wants for his life but I have to protect myself and my babies. I wish I could take his pain away for him but I know thats impossible.

August 3, 2013 at 7:38 pm
(86) Caughtup says:

We have only been married for 2 years and the list of craziness that has been witnessed is too long to list. I feel like I made a mistake marrying someone I truly love because he is an alcoholic. Do I just sit around now and wait for the day hes successful in killing himself or someone else? Or maybe the alcohol will plague his seemingly normal body. I feel alone today though I have loving parents and inlaws. My support system is ginormus but Im dealing with these emotions alone trying to sort them out. I don’t believe I will ever truly understand this disease but I am a professional with its affects. Missing my highschool sweet heart and hating the man hes become. Having learned to detach from the alcoholic and not the person…they are the same to me and I sometimes believe some of the things I know deep down are lies…like if I would change so would he..what a joke! Thanks for listening..

signing off A little more lighthearted,

Caughtup

August 12, 2013 at 10:20 am
(87) Kelly Turner says:

Linda writes in one of her blogs that AA doesn’t teach that alcoholism has different stages, she says they teach that a drunk is a drunk. This is the most untrue statement I have ever seen. AA teaches, and it is clearly written in the Big Book that this is a progressive and fatal disease. That is pretty clear.

August 14, 2013 at 6:01 pm
(88) Georgie says:

Caught up, you are a strong woman and you know what you have to do. I wish you with all my heart the strength to get up, take your children and walk cleanly away from this while you can. Do not look back and do not regret. His problems are his and not yours. Your priorities must be you and your children. Good luck.

September 3, 2013 at 10:43 am
(89) Pat says:

I see this was posted back in 2010 but people are still making comments so here it goes.
I love an alcoholic but I hate the disease. My boyfriend who I have been living with for 5 years drinks beer from around noon until the time he goes to bed 10 P.M. every day. He won’t admit that he has a drinking problem. He was injured and lucky to be alive years ago and the back pain is unbelievable, he groans when just trying to get out of bed in the morning. He says the beer helps him to relax and helps the pain. His doctor thinks he may now have hemochromatosis which although it can be caused by a gene from the parents it can also be caused by long term alcoholism although when you tell him that he gets pissed off. He doesn’t get drunk every day but when he does get drunk he turns into a mean bitter man. I usually just tell him to go to sleep and sleep it off. It’s hard because I worry so much about him. He sees the liver doctor today and I hope he can talk some sense into him. His regular doctor knows that he’s an alcoholic or should I say as he tells her, has a few every day.

September 3, 2013 at 10:38 pm
(90) Caughtup says:

Thank you so much Georgie!! Seeing your words are an inspiration to the beginning of my life. Since the day he was taken to the hospital he has left and is no longer welcome in my home. My children were devastated to learn that I would be seeking a divorce ASAP, but explained to them I have to do this FOR THEM. Eventually they will see how much it was WORTH it! I am moving on day by day with God being my driving force and he has already began to bless me with strength, wisdom and perseverance. I don’t want him back and right now the only way to see the kids is at his mothers house with her present. I want this part of my life behind me and now realize if I had stayed I would have never been happy or healthy. Now I have HOPE and a sense of RENEWAL that wakes me in the morning and keeps me smiling all day. Best wishes to ALL going through similar struggles.

December 7, 2013 at 6:46 pm
(91) Vicky says:

I have been married to the same man for almost 40 years. I was naive or just didn’t want to admit he had a problem or how serious the problem was as I grew up with alcoholic parents. I guess I buried my head in the sand & thought if I didn’t acknowledge it, then I wouldn’t have to deal with it. In the past year, the change has been unbelievable. The man I am married to now is in no way the same person I had 3 beautiful children with. He is verbally abusive & in the past 3 months has become physically abusive. I keep thinking if I had acknowledged this, maybe we wouldn’t be at this point in our lives. I keep telling myself he made these choices, but it doesn’t make it any easier to understand or try to help our children understand. Our son is in complete denial & our oldest daughter just wants someone to blame for why this is happening to her family. My youngest daughter has been my rock. I’m not sure if he is in the end stages of alchoholism or not. He doesn’t eat much, drinks morning until night, hasn’t shaved in days. Says he’s cold all the time, has fallen a few times & been diagnosed with chronic pancreatitis. I work full time so he is home all day by himself. I worry what is happening when I am not here to intervene. I don’t know how to help him & am afraid of what lies ahead for both of us. He has been verbally abusive with his siblings to the point they no longer keep in touch with him. I just feel so alone & not sure where to go from here. Reading your blog has helped me to know there are so many others going through much the same & while I am so sorry to know that others are suffering, it makes it easier to know I am not alone.

December 14, 2013 at 10:40 pm
(92) vicky says:

Our son came this past weekend to vist & finally confronted his father about the situation.My son feels it’s my fault as I should have told he & hi sisters what was going on. He doesn’t believe he has an alcohol problem; just addicted to painkillers. Feels I should have told them what was going on & I of couse just wanted to protect everyone. His dad told him he came to me about a year ago & told me he needed to see someone, but I just blew him off. This is the same man that doesn’t remember what day of the week it is usually, but he’s going to remember a supposed conversation that happened over a year ago. When I said I was sorry I just don’t remember this conversation, my son is now accusing me of not doing what’s best for his father. This is the same man that has fought me every step of the way in seeing drs to find out what’s going on, but has decided it’s my fault I didn’t get it sooner. I know people need someone to blame in these situations in order to accept how it came TO BE & it’s usually the one most innocent of all his. I tried to protect them & their dad . Did wan them to think less of him, but now they’ve decided they think less of me. They father gets a complete pass on responsibility for his choices which I pay the price. Ironic isn’t it!

December 30, 2013 at 7:00 pm
(93) Kerry Miller says:

I have just got up out of bed because I started getting upset thinking about my brother. He has got so bad over the last few years, we all new it was bad but now he looks so ill. My mum snaps & says were just watching him die & allowing it which make me feel guilty coz I dont no what I can do. I tell myself its his life and I cant help him but I still feel I should be doing something instead I avoid him , when I do see him I just get upset when I leave & I feel angry at him for be so selfish. Never looked on a site before, it helped to see there other people in same position. Im 34 & my brothers 44,he, s so skinny now & hardly eats & talks mostly rubbish or repeats himself. Its like death in slow motion

January 9, 2014 at 3:55 am
(94) mrchrees says:

My wife is still in denial even at this late stage. She lost her memory about a year ago and suffers from ataxia in her legs. I’ve gone through hell with her through all this and have got to the stage where I’m looking after myself rather than, as I did in the past, beat myself up over what is essentially her problem. I medicate her with her thiamine and folic acid and even buy the drink for her (She’s now incapable of looking after herself or driving). She refuses to go to rehab again and insists on drinking herself to death…
If I don’t buy her drink she goes crazy and smashes up the house..
I should leave her but she’s completely helpless on her own so I carry on as best I can…
As you can probably tell its destroyed our marriage and the end when it comes will be a release for both of us..

January 9, 2014 at 1:19 pm
(95) Waders says:

So, mrchress, you are buying your wife booze and you are complaining because she’s drinking herself to death? Brilliant.

January 12, 2014 at 9:28 pm
(96) Eve says:

My boyfriend knows he is dying and wants death to come quick. He says he wants to drink himself to death. He is 48 and has been drinking since he was eleven. He can’t get out of bed without a bottle. He has moments of clarity when he is witty and charming, but mostly he lives in a fog and in denial that it is booze that is the problem. He refuses help. As soon as he got out of rehab years ago he went straight to a bar to drink. He is abusive and demanding and his memories….they are foggy. He lives through loneliness and poverty and a roller coaster of emotions and drama and I think has blackouts and won’t eat. Is this the end stage? I have spent so much time caring for him that I have neglected myself. How do I keep going? It is an inexplicably sad situation.

February 1, 2014 at 7:41 pm
(97) Stellar says:

I have been in a relationship for about a year with someone I knew from my childhood. I ran into him after not seeing him for ages and we talked about growing up, our parents being best friends; we talked about our lives etc and by the end of the evening, there was a spark. We are both separated, I have children, he doesn’t. I realised at the beginning of our relationship that he had a huge problem with drinking. He doesn’t work and spends most days and nights drinking with a few locals..anyone, really, that is there to chat and drink with. I know his health is deteriorating and I have broached with him many times to try and get some treatment for his drinking. He had a major operation a few years ago and says that this stops him from working, as his bowels don’t function well as a result of it, but drinking beer all day cannot be positive and I believe this exacerbates his problem. He is obnoxious, cruel and has no empathy for me when he is drinking. He calls me names and puts me down.Occasionally he will admit to this and we will spend an evening out to dinner or watch tv and he won’t drink, but I can tell it is just to appease me and that he really isn’t enjoying himself. He tells me he loves me but is rarely intimate and makes me feel bad about wanting to be more close sexually. I have stopped going to places with him where he drinks as I don’t want any part of spending time with him drinking. He smokes a lot also and you can hear the effects of this when he breathes. He coughs constantly and often stops breathing when he sleeps. He sweats all the time, has fevers and insists he is ‘fine’. He is bloated and rarely eats, and tells me that he often loses control of his bowels but that it is only because of his operation. I disagree with him and my heart is breaking as I know he is unwell because of his drinking.
More after this…sorry

February 1, 2014 at 7:43 pm
(98) Stellar says:

…continued..
I have offered many times to take him to the hospital or even a doctor and this is met with him berating me and telling me to leave. I love him dearly and wish he would get treatment. We are not speaking at the moment after an argument with him telling me I am constantly upsetting him about focussing on his drinking issues and I feel he is happier around people he can drink with. I am talking about 20 beers a day. I am so upset and at such a loss as to know what to do. I want him to have a life. I wish he was trying to get better but I probably have to accept that he doesn’t want that and I should leave him alone. He was caught DUI a few months ago, he is going through a tough divorce, but I just can’t be with him if all he wants to do is drink and drink and not have any interest in doing other things. I have suggested going to the movies, the beach, the park, out to dinner…all these things just seem boring to him and there is always an excuse as to why he won’t do anything else but be at the pub. He tells me often that he’s not good enough for me and I should find someone else. Then he tells me I am the best thing in his life and he doesn’t want to lose me. I really don’t know what to do. I am so confused. My friends and family tell me he is bringing me down and making me depressed. I just don’t feel like I can walk away, but when he often says nasty things to me and doesn’t even show any intimacy, sometimes I wonder what I’m doing. When he is sober (rarely) he tells me he wants to be with forever, but the constant roller coaster if his addictions (he also smokes a lot of pot), is so emotional and upsetting that I have no clue anymore of what I am meant to do and how I should handle things. I love him.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

March 7, 2014 at 11:24 pm
(99) John says:

When or do you give up in time and walk away from the alcoholic? I am 65 and retired. Almost 66 with health problems of my own. My nephew is 36 and a major alcoholic. He has been in and out of jail had a DUI, Even one year in prison and will drink for days without eating. He refuses to go into treatment. Life is hell when he hits the bottle. The verbal abuse, the demanding money and just one more beer. The staying up all night. Passing out, falling down and breaking things in my home. He now has major black outs and at times seems he is losing his mind. Can they really go nuts? I live on social security and it is getting hard to handle this. I feel lost, depressed and when I wake up I just say ‘God what is he going do today?”. I know if I were to move and leave him behind he would be on the streets. So I stay! I am now on a anti depressant myself just to calm down and be able to not let it hit me sop hard. There is no way he will leave my home period. He has stolen money from me, sold most of my DVD”S to get beer. When I try to talk with him he just says “I don’t want to talk about it”. HELP…Not sure what stage he is in. He has been hospitalized about 20 times because of it. Hit my a car when falling in the street. Falling off a bus once…on and on!

March 8, 2014 at 1:03 am
(100) Waders says:

>>I know if I were to move and leave him behind he would be on the streets. So I stay!<<

Have you considered that being on the streets might be the very thing he needs to happen to hit bottom and decide to reach out for help?

You need to do a search for “enabling” and find out what it means. Or go to an Al-Anon meeting and ask them what it means.

March 14, 2014 at 9:33 pm
(101) georgie says:

Hi…I would strongly recommend anyone truly desperate to stop their drinking to contact Primary Purpose Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Dallas Texas…..they are doing astounding things with alcoholics of the hopeless variety..chronic alcoholics….but only the Dallas Texas people . .I have seen and experienced their work first hand….but you must be serious about wanting to stop for good…google that name or maybe PPGAA

May 6, 2014 at 12:38 pm
(102) Stacy says:

happened I made dinner we got into an argument and I left and said I was done!! I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. 2 hours later I get a call from him please come hear something is not right. I go and there he is on the bathroom floor blood everywhere. I call 911 the police officer who responded was a friend of ours. He couldn’t even stay. We went to the hospital. In my heart I really didn’t think this was it, his sister told me to go get some rest. I said good bye he was soooo cold but still I thought nothing.. 6AM I get the call. He had passed.. Crushed me but I knew he was in a much better place. Fast forward 5 years and here I am again.. I became friends with a local guy through other friends. Great man!! We became very close, not a romantic relationship just a very strong friendship and to be honest I never had a friend like him in my life. So caring, so loving, so respectful. I knew he liked to have some drinks but over the past 2 years I’ve learned how much he really does. Now I have a breaking heart cause it’s gonna happen all over again. I used to live with him but had to leave cause I could not take the none stop partying. Every sunday I do not sleep (sunday funday) I lay awake and worry and text him first thing to make sure he’s ok. There have been many hospital visits, falls, vomiting,etc. Everyone has tried to help. There are so many people who love this man but he feels so alone. Hates his life though he has a beautiful home, wonderful job that he has had for 25 years and a beautiful son that unfortunately he can’t see because of his drinking. Everyone says walk away but I don’t know if I can. I don’t want him to go through it alone…

May 20, 2014 at 11:00 am
(103) Gayman says:

My boyfriend was buying whisky to a very sick friend.hes friend is dead,heart atack.he have two new victims, also alcoholic friends.one have almost forbiden to drink and he (my boyfriend) buy the drink and take it to the clinic.the other two days ago was drinking with us and sufffered epilepsy and heart- breath stop, send to hospital and put out again next day.there he go,my boyfriend to keep company,buy alcohol and get piss drunk again with an almost dead man.isnt this murder? IS HE A SERIAL KILLER?is legal at to kill this way?

Leave a Comment

Line and paragraph breaks are automatic. Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title="">, <b>, <i>, <strike>
  1. About.com
  2. Health
  3. Alcoholism

©2014 About.com. All rights reserved.

We comply with the HONcode standard
for trustworthy health
information: verify here.