After reading the articles on domestic abuse, I am still uncertain about the role that alcohol played in the years of violent outbursts I experienced in my former marriage.
One thing that I am sure of, violence and abuse are not limited to men. My wife could be just as abusive and violent as any male and her rage could explode just as violently as anyone else, although she didn't seem to fit the characteristics of a batterer that you mentioned.
Perhaps alcohol was not the cause of the outbursts, but it seemed to be at least a catalyst. I never once saw her fly into a rage unless she had been drinking first. It always started the same way -- with a few drinks.
Under "normal" circumstances, she was one of the nicest and sweetest persons you ever met, with an almost childlike wonderment and innocence about the world. Those who never saw one of her violent episodes would never believe that she was even capable of such behavior.
The puzzling thing about it, was she didn't have to be "drunk" to fly into one of her rages. After just one or two drinks, she would seem to totally change personalities, which I know now is a symptom of alcoholism, but at the time, I was merely astounded by the sudden and drastic change.
It Always Started with Alcohol
After just one or two drinks, she would somehow always hear something that was said the wrong way. I mean she would not hear the words that were actually said, but would misunderstand -- then take it very personally and would become defensive.Whoever was present at the time would try to tell her, "That's not what was said! He didn't say that!" But it was no use, she was off on a tangent and there was no stopping her. If there were other people around -- the children or visiting friends -- they would all try to explain that she had simply misunderstood what was actually said. It never worked.
Of course then, we were accused of "ganging up on her" and that would increase her anger until it finally exploded. It would begin with a barrage of verbal abuse, aimed at anyone she felt had betrayed her. If anyone dared to verbally defend themselves against the barrage, or even worse launch a verbal counter-attack, the rage escalated rapidly.
The remarkable thing was the physical change in her appearance. She would get this expression on her face -- my daughter called it her "demon face" -- that did not look like the same person. It was as if another person had taken over the mind and body of the woman we all knew and loved.
Violent Explosion
The rage would soon explode into violence. She would throw things and break things. But usually she would pick up whatever was handy and use it as a weapon, trying to hit me over the head or anywhere else convenient. I guess the worse it got was when she grabbed one of her high-heeled shoes and inflicted several blows before I could physically restrain her.Fortunately, I was physically able to defend myself -- the children were not so fortunate if the attacks were aimed at them. But if I did anything whatsoever to physically restrain her, then all of a sudden I was abusing her! She would run to her parents or friends complaining that SHE had been physically abused!
Of course, if they had never seen anything but the sweet, innocent side of her, it was difficult for them to believe that she had provoked any physical contact with her violent outburst. Therefore I was not only the victim of her abuse, but also victim of her false accusations.
I believe now there were probably deep-seated mental disorders which were the "cause" of her behavior, but the alcohol was always the catalyst that touched off the episodes. They never occurred when she was not drinking.
I left the marriage years ago and found support and help in Al-Anon Family Groups. But I spent years and years seemingly locked in a cycle of abuse and violence over which neither I nor she apparently had any control.
-- No Longer a Victim
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