Step 10: Radically Honest
The first question I had about step 10 was to ask how soon I had to admit it when I was wrong. "Promptly" is an adverb or a modifier that seems so indefinite. The answer from an A oldtimer was: "How long you been sober?" Annoyed, I asked back: "What has that got to do with it?" The answer was: "The longer you are sober, the shorter the 'promptly' gets!"The next thing I had to learn about step 10 is that it doesn't say anything about being 'sorry'. When I was drinking I had a constant stream of "Sorrys". Now that I have been free of the booze for a few thousand days, I rarely have to say I'm 'sorry', but I often have to say that I was 'wrong'. There is a big difference.
They taught me that if I say "I'm sorry" and then leave it like that, it means that I am leaving a lot unsaid that should be said. I am really asking for forgiveness or some sort of 'general absolution', as our Catholic friends would say. Nope, that's not what this alcoholic usually needs.
A.A. Medicine
What I need is to say is how I was wrong and where I went wrong (the exact nature of my wrongs, step 5). And having done step 9, how I was going to make it up to the person, or how I intend to set things right. What is my amend here? No empty promises of "I'll never do it again"! No begging for forgiveness. An amend makes ME work to put things back to the way they were before MY wrong.To say I was wrong is also part of that AA medicine of ego deflation at depth. I am not 'sorry' because you are hurt but rather I am admitting that I am 'wrong' because I did something to harm you. Big difference in my book!
I have spent time figuring out what exactly I was wrong about, and I have spent time figuring out a proposal of how I am going to straighten things out, since that too is my responsibility and not yours! I am going to confer with you about this and not impose my solution on you. I may offer several options for YOU to choose from. I am going to continue a radically honest (but calm and tactful) dialog with you in whatever way is appropriate for us. I am going to admit that I was wrong and work on a way to put things back to the way they were or should have been.
Taking Responsibility
Another thing I had to learn about this step was that it means that I only take responsibility for when I was actually wrong. If I wasn't wrong on this part but was wrong on that, I say so. I cop it sweet for the parts that I was wrong about but not for the rest of it.For instance I often have to say something like: "Son, I want to tell you that I was way out of line by raising my voice and yelling at you like that. It was wrong of me to do it in a public place and in front of your friends because that is not only embarrassing but also rude and insensitive. In the future I propose to take you aside or wait til we are away from your mates. I will work on getting my volume and impulsive anger under control. Can you help me by telling me that I am yelling or that I am embarrassing you if I forget? On the other hand, I believe that what I said was correct. What you were doing was risky and a bit dangerous. I stand by my statement but was wrong to yell and embarrass you. I'll make it up to you by ...."
Lastly, I was taught that this step contains the most important word out of the 200 (count'em) words in all of the steps. That word is "Continued". Makes a nice word to meditate upon.
Aussie Chuck
More about Step 10
Step 10: Maintenance
Nobody likes to admit to being wrong. But it is absolutely necessary to maintain spiritual progress in recovery.Taking Responsibility
"I learned that it made me feel good to admit to being human, and making a mistake, and being truly sorry for it."In the Family
"Saying "I am sorry" is easy. Meaning it is a different story."Staying Humble
"This step in my daily life has helped me to be more conscious of other people's feelings instead of just my own."Daily Inventory
"At first I thought this was going to be a drag, until I realized how good it made me feel."Ego Buster
"I still don't like doing it. The reason is simple: EGO."Cleaning House
"The act of quickly trying to right the wrong keeps my mental house clean."
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