We have made these pages available to members of the recovery community who wish to share their experience, strength, and hope with others.

Mary A's Story

Hi, my name is Mary A.

I came from a family of 7 childern, with me being the youngest. I was not living in the streets at the worst of my addiction, it just hadn't happened to me YET! Being the youngest I always felt left out and forgotten.

"During my marriage I came across many pills to take away the hurt inside that I would go through. I had no self esteem and no self confidence."

I never got the Christmas wish from Santa Clause as my other friends would. I remember always having hand me downs for my clothes, and my mother never being at PTA meetings or being a scool mom for my class. My father had died when I was 3 yrs. old but my uncle (whom I later learned was really my Real father) took care of me when my mother would be out for the evening/or weekend.

This was when I began to wonder why my uncle was so good to me, I loved him very much. I yearned for a fatherly affection, but I chose to get it by eloping at the age of 15 and dropping out of school. It's kind of hard talking about my childhood but I've learned not to blame no one anymore. It's just the way it happened to be at the time and I give thanks for where I am Today.

To me being married was freedom from an unhappy family life, but as it turned out I soon learned I had to do as a husband told you to do. Today I know it was an abusive marriage and things don't have to be like that. Marriage can be wonderful when two people can communicate without fighting and being physically beaten.

During my marriage I came across many pills to take away the hurt inside that I would go through. I had no self esteem and no self confidence. I tried to take courses in many subjects and I even went and got my GED.

Harder Drugs

I still continued my self-destructive behavior using drugs to get rid of my problems. I was in love and thought I had made my bed and I had to continue making it (stick to my husband no matter what). This is the way I was raised to be and knew no other way.

I eventually was able to get the job of my dreams, the abuse stopped some and my childern grew up. The husband would make extra money by selling drugs on the side. He had to keep the other (women) affairs and family both happy.

I finally went to doing harder drugs along with him because my excuse was, that I couldn't beat him so I joined him. Today I have to let you know that I've let him off the hook and know that I made the choice to do drugs. I tried MANY times to stop using but always thought I could do it my way.

I had read the book and knew it all. I didn't need anyone to tell me what I had to do. The many times I tried to stop it was always because of my kids, job, husband, or probation. It didn't matter I still kept using because at this point I was strung out on the needle and physically addicted.

I lied, cheated and stole, the husband left to prison, and I stayed on probation again. After a while my childern left me, mostly because they were tired of me pawning their things. I was alone in my house with no lights and no water. The only one I had left was my cat and she would even look at me strange.

Called Out to God

I had turned into someone she couldn't even feel as a friend. This is my story and I have to tell it as it happened. During one dark night in this house, rooms lighted up by candles, I called out to God. I couldn't understand why it was happening to me and I cried and weeped out loud.

"My home group knew all about my track record but they received me with a hug. They loved me and kept telling me to keep coming back."

This to me was, a crying out from within but still not knowing what to do. I can say within a few weeks, I was in a mandatory treatment facilty thanks to a concerned probation officer. I remained there because I was told to. I still felt the urge to use and was anxious to leave but I Believe God stepped in and did for me what I couldn't do for myself.

I was discharged about two months later and went to stay with my sister. I was scared of using again so I started to listen to my heart. It was telling me I knew what to do, so I went back to the only place I knew, Narcotics Anonymous.

My home group knew all about my track record but they received me with a hug. They loved me and kept telling me to keep coming back. They also told me I didn't have to use anymore if I didn't want to. I didn't believe them at first but I kept going back. I wanted to see for myself how they were staying clean.

Service Work Works

I would tag along whenever I could, (I never did this before), and stay to clean up after the meetings. I started to get involved in activities and to get on service boards for H & I. By this time I had finally found someone (I had admired to be) to be my sponser.

She suggested to me that I stay involved in service work, AND to talk to a newcomer when I begin to think I'm having a hard time. I would, and it helped me to see that it was still the same or worse out there.

I went through many problems in my first year in recovery, but the worst was the death of my daughter. The times before, something like death in the family, I always drugged the feelings and pain of loosing a loved one. This time God was holding me up with people in the rooms of NA. I DIDN'T USE, what a miracle it was to me. I made it through and didn't use, WOW! From then on it was on.

I took it one day at a time and started to work the 12 Steps. I stayed in service ( and still am) AND I did a Fourth Step for the first time. I had read that if you didn't, you would relapse and I didn't want to relapse.

It took me months to finish but my sponser is the best and didn't let me slide. I hurt, cried and felt many feelings doing the Fifth but I recommend it to all. I grew through all this and it made me stronger. I understood why we must surrender to win.

You've Got to Want It

My sponser said I glowed and that it radiated from me. I truly felt this and I stay grateful today because I thought I was going to die with all that garbage inside. I share from my heart because I care about others today.

"I have joy and a spiritual feeling within, the peace of a beautiful sunrise, the smile on a baby's face, or the soothing affect of the beach."

I want to let you know there is a way out that darkness of addiction. It's very simple, you've got to want it and it will make your dreams come true. I was not given a guarantee that I was going to have it easy all the time but I wanted to stay clean.

I have gotten the job I had lost back, my childern aren't ashamed to be with me, my house is a HOME today, and I found out that I'm a precious and beautiful child of God. Yes, I Believe in God, he is my Higher Power and he lives in all of us. I have joy and a spiritual feeling within, the peace of a beautiful sunrise, the smile on a baby's face, or the soothing affect of the beach.

I enjoy this today and many other things and all without the drugs and alcohol. I'll be celebrating four years clean on 11-22-97 and live with my daughter and granddaughter. Being a single woman today, I find myself happy knowing who I am. Maybe one day I'll find that special man to share our lives together with, If not, that's still ok too. I want to thank you for letting me share. It really did work for me and it can work for you too.

LOVE, Mary A.

Back to the Personal Stories index.

---

If you would like to share your story with visitors to this site, just send a note to Buddy. If you would like to receive a very short and FREE newsletter about updates to this site and other news, just send a note to Buddy T.