Detachment From a Family Member With Alcoholism

Detachment is a way of setting boundaries with a person who has an addiction. It can be difficult, but it can be a helpful way to protect yourself and preserve your relationship with a person who has a substance use problem.

For friends and family of a person dealing with alcohol or drug addiction, detachment can be a difficult concept to grasp. In the context of the Al-Anon program, "detach with love" is the idea that the family has to let go of their loved one's problem.

It gives you permission to let them experience any consequences associated with their drinking or drug use and focus on your own health and well-being.

What Is Detachment?

Detachment means creating a boundary and stopping reacting to the other person's behaviors. Detachment allows family members and friends to create psychological and emotional boundaries that allow them to offer support to their loved one while still protecting their own well-being.

This process involves stepping back and avoiding enabling behaviors. By detaching, family members separate themselves from the chaos that addiction brings.

Rather than becoming emotionally, psychologically, or financially drained, loved ones refuse to involve themselves in their loved one's addictive behaviors. For example, they won't make excuses when a loved one is too hungover to go to work or provide money to cover that person's financial obligations.

Detachment is similar in some ways to other family interventions, such as the CRAFT method. CRAFT encourages family members to use positive reinforcement to encourage good behaviors and employ natural consequences.

The Importance of Detachment

If you've dealt with someone's progressive alcoholism (severe alcohol use disorder) or drug use, it might be hard to imagine finding happiness while the substance misuse continues. This is especially true when you have tried everything possible to keep the situation from growing worse.

The stress and exhaustion associated with caring for someone with an addiction can be overwhelming. It may lead to anxiety, depression, and unhealthy behaviors or unsafe living conditions for your family.

The reality of living with alcoholism or any other addiction usually often means dealing with one crisis after another. While you may feel like you're constantly in rescue mode, learning to detach relieves you of the responsibility to protect them.

Detachment Is Not Kind Nor Unkind

As the Al-Anon literature says, "Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."

Instead, it demonstrates that you don't like or approve of their behavior. It is stepping back from all the problems associated with addiction and stopping any attempts to solve them. You still care, but it is best for everyone involved if you take care of yourself first.

Many times, family members find that they have become too involved with the addictive behavior. The Al-Anon program teaches people to "put the focus on ourselves" and not on the person with alcoholism or on anyone else.

For example, if your family member shows up for work late or missing it entirely becomes a habit, detachment teaches you that it's not your responsibility to cover for them. It also applies to making excuses and trying to fix situations, as well as avoiding arguments.

Ideally, detaching from this person will help them see how their negative behavior affects everyone around them. As Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous teach, it's important to have the wisdom to know the difference between the things you can and can't change. 

Does Detachment Really Help?

When you're considering detachment, you might be concerned about what happens to your loved one after you detach yourself from them. Maybe you think all of the things you did over these years to "help" that will be wasted. Or, you might have fears about what crisis—jail, hospitalization, death, etc.—may be next.

As Al-Anon teaches, "Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible." Al-Anon members also learn that no individual is responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.

This is very difficult and, on the clearheaded side of addiction, you probably know what should or should not happen, but this logic may be lost to the person with the disease. They need to want to change themselves and find the help needed to do that.

This will not happen overnight. It requires time, a lot of patience and love, and support to help you along the way. As they say in the program, "It's simple, but it ain't easy." You don't have to do it alone. 

How to Practice Detachment

Detaching from a person with an addiction can vary depending on your relationship, the severity of the addiction, and how the behaviors are affecting your life. In order to detach, it is important to:

Stop enabling: Even if the person is facing serious consequences as a result of their addiction, you need to avoid making excuses or protecting them from facing the reality of their behaviors.

• Set boundaries: Don't engage with them while they are drinking or using. Establish and communicate clear rules, such as not allowing them to consume substances in your home and refusing to communicate with them when they are under the influence.
• Join a support group: You may also find it helpful to join a support group such as Al-Anon. Such groups can give you further guidance on how to detach from a loved one's addiction.
• Care for yourself: Prioritize your own needs. Make sure that you are getting what you need in terms of your emotional and physical health. 

While you have detached from the problem, you can continue to encourage your loved one to seek treatment for their addiction. Provide information and encouragement. Remind them how much they have to gain if they talk to a professional and start the treatment process.

Keep in Mind

There is probably an Al-Anon Family Group meeting nearby where you will find people who understand what you're going through. It's by no means an easy process to detach from a loved one with an addiction, so don't try to go it alone. By sharing your experience with others who have been there, you can find strength and hope to help you better deal with the situation.