"Do you have a sponsor?" is a question we get around the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous a lot. And if we don't have one or express some dissatisfaction with ours, eyebrows are raised.

Some go so far as to assure us we can't stay sober or clean if we don't have a sponsor, or if we don't follow our sponsor's every suggestion, or if we have a sponsor of the opposite sex!

Of course, none of this needs be true. There's lots of confusion around sponsorship.

Well Grounded

• Having a sponsor gives newcomers someone to talk with someone who hopefully is well grounded in the Steps
  
• Being a sponsor gives someone with time the chance to reach out to another in a real and practical way.

My (male) sponsor rather forcefully suggested that I'd been trying to run her life and had a ton of unmet expectations. I recognized, reluctantly, that almost getting drunk over sponsoring someone probably wasn't what 'reaching out' was all about. I stopped sponsoring until I'd done some more inventory.

Knee-Jerk Statements

But more than one person told me, I was going to get drunk just because I had a sponsor of the opposite sex. This sort of knee-jerk statement still infuriates me and comments like this can do real damage.

When Larry left the area, I did get a women sponsor and for a long time she was a real help. There came a time, however, when I began to explore the world beyond the AA and NA meeting rooms. Janie was so afraid for me that she discouraged my explorations at every turn. Finally I fired her and we both felt better.

Does this mean I think sponsorship is a bad idea? Not at all! And the cautions against opposite sex sponsorship are worth considering. But sponsorship is not a lifetime contract. At it's best it's an ever deepening friendship, based on mutual honesty and self-revelation, allowing both parties to grow from their own experience, strength and hope. When it's less than that, the relationship needs to be changed.