A Family Disease
Dateline: 06/02/97Guest columnist: Donna Thompson
"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken.
Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits
have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is
enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To
his wife, he remarked, `Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped
blowin'?'"
"If I had a wife like Joe's, I'd be a drunk, too," and heads bob in agreement.
Gee, I wonder how she got that way?
She's such a controlling b-i-t-c-h! Could it be because someone had to assume adult responsibility for making sure bills were paid, roofs were repaired, the car was serviced regularly, insurance policies were reviewed for appropriate coverage; this in addition to her usual house and food responsibilities such as the kids' braces, the dog's flea dip, plus PTO, hospital volunteer. And let's not forget the yard...
What a shame she lost her sense of humor while cleaning up her husband's boozy vomit.
She's no longer interested in making love either, not after years of contending with the gropings of a foul-smelling, obscenity-spouting slobbering drunk.
No one except wives of alcoholics and children who grew up in an alcoholic home can know what it was like to live with a drunk. A recovering alcoholic might just as well have been living in another household because he is the last person to rely upon for the truth as to what went on in his family while he was drinking. The alcohol abuse rendered him brain damaged. Sometimes he passed out. Sometimes he was in a blackout and can't possibly recall what happened.
In the family's recitation of their true war stories -- well, the drunken onslaughts of verbal and/or physical abuse most often occur without warning, just like being shot at in a war--all the facts in the world cannot possibly get across the range of feelings experienced by the family as they used every weapon in their arsenal to hold on to their sanity.
Then one day, the seemingly impossible happens. The drunk becomes sick and tired of being sick and tired, learns that he has a disease called alcoholism, and now it's become his responsibility to do something about it.
Ideally, he goes into treatment--meetings, workshops, counseling--and discovers what it's like to live without booze. Gradually the self-inflicted thinking stupor lessens. He works with his counselor, with his sponsor, exploring his life, experiencing one "Aha!" after another. Sometimes these forays into who he was brings him to his knees with shame. He begs for forgiveness from others; he learns he must also forgive himself.
Equally ideally, the family reaches out for help designed especially for them. They don't know the recovering alcoholic who stands before them, hat in hand, Mister Sober of Responsible & Company. They do know this: they like him. Here's someone they can have a conversation with, disagree with, laugh with, actually have fun with, depend upon, love.
And they're all scared to death for fear sobriety won't last, that they'll lose him again. They want what doesn't exist--guarantees.
Just as active drinking lasts as long as it lasts, so too does abstinence from alcohol. But unlike the drunk who drank willy-nilly, the recovering alcoholic knows he has choices. Whether or not he ever drinks again is totally his decision. He can't blame the weather, his boss, his wife, kids, or the family dog. He either chooses to remain sober or he chooses to drink.
The family has learned that they are responsible for their attitudes and behavior. If the drinking resumes, their job is to keep the focus on themselves. They worked hard to get a life worth keeping.
Donna Thompson is the publisher of Challenges, in which she writes her featured column, Get A Life®. A publication for people in recovery from anything and their families, Challenges is published every other month. A one-year subscription is $25.
More from Donna
Previous guest columns written by Donna Thompson for the Alcoholism site.
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