Relationships Toxicity and Abuse Why Does Domestic Violence Happen? By Buddy T Buddy T Buddy T is a writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. Because he is a member of a support group that stresses the importance of anonymity at the public level, he does not use his photograph or his real name on this website. Learn about our editorial process Updated on December 27, 2023 Fact checked Verywell Mind content is rigorously reviewed by a team of qualified and experienced fact checkers. Fact checkers review articles for factual accuracy, relevance, and timeliness. We rely on the most current and reputable sources, which are cited in the text and listed at the bottom of each article. Content is fact checked after it has been edited and before publication. Learn more. by Sean Blackburn Fact checked by Sean Blackburn Sean is a fact-checker and researcher with experience in sociology, field research, and data analytics. Learn about our editorial process Print Tharakorn Arunothai / EyeEm / Getty Images Table of Contents View All Table of Contents Domestic Violence Is About Control Mate Retention Behaviors Other Factors Contributing to Domestic Violence The Domestic Violence and Abuse Cycle Domestic Violence Support and Resources Domestic violence stems from a desire for control and power. It can happen to anyone from any walk of life. Whether alcohol and drug use is a factor or not, domestic violence and abuse is a very serious problem—for the victims and the abusers. Although studies seem to indicate some link between alcohol/drug misuse and domestic violence, others believe that they are two separate issues. At a Glance Domestic abuse is not so much about a "loss of control" as it is about total control. Abusers engage in violence as a way to maintain power over their partner and ensure that their partner cannot leave.Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators but as victims. This reasoning is common among batterers, and many have elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions. Domestic Violence Is About Control There are varying theories about what makes batterers abuse those closest to them. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe they are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep psychological and developmental scars. Characteristics of Abusers Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers. Domestic abusers:Are controllingAre manipulativeBelieve that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationshipOften see themselves as victims Mate Retention Behaviors For some abusers, violence is a tool to keep their intimate partner from leaving the relationship or keeping them from being unfaithful, even if it means physically forcing them to stay. One study found that in many cases, acts of domestic violence are mate retention behaviors—that is, actions taken by one partner to try to preserve and maintain their relationship with the other partner. As one batterer explained after going through treatment, the abuse was all about control: "I could make her do whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel powerful," he suggested. Other Factors Contributing to Domestic Violence Every situation is different, and there is no single factor that causes all domestic violence. However, many experts believe that it primarily comes down to control. Research also suggests that people who witness domestic violence as children are more likely to engage in domestic violence as adults. Individual factors that increase the likelihood that someone will engage in domestic violence include: Desire for control and powerLow income and education levelDelinquent or aggressive childhood behaviorAnger and hostilityAntisocial characteristicsHistory of past abusive behaviorSocial isolationUnemployment and economic stressNegative attitudes and hostility toward womenHistory of abuse during childhood Top Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse The Domestic Violence and Abuse Cycle The issues of power and control are essential to an understanding of domestic violence. One way this is accomplished is by becoming familiar with the cycle of violence. Here is an overview of the phases: Build-up phase: The tension buildsStand-over phase: Verbal attacks increaseExplosion phase: A violent outburst occursRemorse phase: The abuser excuses their behavior ("You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your fault.")Pursuit phase: Promises are made ("It will never happen again, I promise.")Honeymoon phase: A brief respite before the cycle begins again ("See, we don't have any problems!") Other Forms of Abuse This cycle concerns actual physical abuse. It does not take into account other forms of domestic abuse that are used to control, such as: Economic abuse Psychological and emotional abuse Sexual abuse Social abuse Spiritual abuse Verbal abuse 9 Ways to Help a Victim of Domestic Violence Domestic Violence Support and Resources The threat of physical harm plus the economic and physical isolation they usually find themselves in makes getting help even more difficult for the victims of domestic abuse. Simply leaving can provoke more and greater violence. People who are victims of domestic violence are at a higher risk of being killed by their abuser when they try to leave the relationship. If you decide to leave, it helps to make a safety plan and ensure you have resources and support to help you do so safely. A safety plan should include a safe place to go after leaving, an emergency bad containing important documents and essentials, and a list of contacts and local resources. Joining a domestic violence support group can also be beneficial. Resources you might find helpful include: Love Is Respect: A program that offers 24/7 support for young people between the ages of 13 and 16 who are experiencing domestic violence. Hope Recovery: A support group to help people who have experienced abuse. Fort Refuge: An online community offering supportive resources for abuse survivors. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. Understanding Trauma Bonding 7 Sources Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. MedlinePlus. Alcohol. Elmquist J, Hamel J, Shorey RC, Labrecque L, Ninnemann A, Stuart GL. Motivations for intimate partner violence in men and women arrested for domestic violence and court referred to batterer intervention programs. Partner Abuse. 2014;5(4):359-374. doi:10.1891/1946-6560.5.4.359 National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. Understanding men who batter. Buss DM, Shackelford TK. From vigilance to violence: Mate retention tactics in married couples. J Pers Soc Psychol. 1997;72(2):346-361. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.72.2.346 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Risk and protective factors for perpetration. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Preventing intimate partner violence. Campbell JC, Webster D, Koziol-McLain J, et al. Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: Results from a multisite case control study. Am J Public Health. 2003;93(7):1089-1097. doi:10.2105/ajph.93.7.1089 By Buddy T Buddy T is a writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. Because he is a member of a support group that stresses the importance of anonymity at the public level, he does not use his photograph or his real name on this website. See Our Editorial Process Meet Our Review Board Share Feedback Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! What is your feedback? 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