I had married my husband 15 years before and I was in my addiction, we only knew each other five months and we were married. He soon realized I had a problem. The first year my rage and use of prescription drugs was so out of control, not to mention my drinking every day, until I was falling down drunk or passed out was pushing him away.
I grew up in a Irish Catholic family with seven brothers and sisters. My mother was a very sick woman and I learned later on she was also an alcoholic. She was abusive physically and mentally. I don't remember her any other way. I never really knew her as a person or a mother just someone I was scared to death of every day of my life.
I was the second oldest and it was the three oldest that took care of the five younger children a lot of responsibility for young kids. I was always seeking attention by telling stories and making things up. I so needed the acceptance and attention of my father but never got it and the more I acted out the more I was avoided.
Started Drinking at 11
I was also ADHD which I was diagnosed with at a later age so I was hyper and very unsuccessful in school. My self esteem was at the bottom and I had no coping skills as a child for the conditions I lived in. I had survival skills but they were negative ones. I started drinking at the age of eleven and drugs a few years later. I started seeing doctors for psychological problems and was put on meds early.Of course all my problems were blamed on my family situation. My drinking and drugging continued and escalated through the years. I barely graduated from high school and survived by getting any job I could after graduation.
That Child Was Doomed
My father divorced my mother and remarried, which I did not like. My sister moved to California with her boyfriend so I felt alone. I lived in an apartment with a roommate and the one boyfriend I had feelings for I got pregnant by.I stayed isolated in that apartment not knowing what to do -- still drinking, using cocaine, marijuana, speed and any other drugs I could get my hands on. That child was doomed before she was born. After many months of staying away my stepmother came by, immediately knew, and took me to my father who then made the decision to see a doctor who knowing my drug use encouraged me to terminate the pregnancy -- something I still carry guilt for.
Life Revolved Around My Use
I used that as an excuse to continue in my addiction as my tolerance for alcohol and the drugs went up I needed more. During that time I got married and four years later when I knew my marriage was ready to fall apart I got pregnant I continued to drink but stopped using drugs. Big deal. I loved my daughter and was actually a good mother for a while until I started using drugs again and was getting seriously addicted to all kinds of prescription drugs.I hated myself my life revolved around my use. Then a year and a half later I became very ill with severe pain in my muscles to the point of not being able to walk far distances. I threw up every day all day. I soon found out I was pregnant again and was scared to death my drug use was out of my control and I was taking large amounts of pills a day. I had already been in mental institutions about five or six times.
Hiding All This From the World
My doctor had me transferred to a large hospital in a big city around 60 miles away, because he did not know what was wrong with me. I wanted to take pain medication from the pain in my muscles. I remained there much of the pregnancy. I was not truthful with any of the doctors, so no one knew what was wrong and diagnosed me with a muscle disease.My baby was born with fetal alcohol effect and drugs in her system. I totally hated myself. She didn't come home for a week. A part of me still hates me for what I did. My husband then became my biggest enabler by working hard to hide all of this from the world.
You would think I would have hit bottom but I got even worse for the next eight years.
