Sometimes when I came to I would be disappointed that I did make it, then I would see my daughters' faces and the pain I was putting them through and it was killing me in more ways than one. I developed drug induced Parkinson's disease, lost control of my bodily functions, had car accidents while driving the kids in the car, passing out in the bathtub and almost drowning while my children saw it all.
A Life of Hell
They would find my drugs and throw them out or down the toilet. They were living the life of hell I lived as a child, just different circumstances. I had promised myself and everyone else I would never do to my children what my mother did to me. Here I was repeating the same cycle.During one of my overdoses the doctor told my husband I would die from this disease I would never get better, so he was just waiting for it to happen. I started having severe seizures at the end, I was having problems walking and could not go up the stairs.
Passed Out in the Yard
They would come home from school and find me passed out in the back yard after falling out the upstairs window drunk. I was taking up to 90 prescription drugs a day.The year before, my mother had died on my birthday and we did not even see each other. Her doctor basically told me not to use that as an excuse to continue drinking, use it as a reason to get better. I thought, if you only knew what she was really like. I was still hanging on to my childhood. My husband took a job 75 miles away after she died; he wanted me away from my family now especially after the death of my mother.
No More Secrets
For the next year I quickly went downhill, but it wasn't just me going down and in pain, it was my whole family. My girls were hurt and angry they stopped enabling me. No more secrets. They were talking to their teachers at school and their friends. They didn't like leaving the house they were afraid what they might come home to or what would happen if I was left alone.This was all 18 years ago today and it still hurts as if it happened yesterday. I love my family very much and today I wouldn't hurt them for anything.
I Was Not Alone
I went to AA meetings for a month and realized I wasn't alone; other people were in the same pain and had done some of the bad things I had done. Maybe I wasn't the worse person alive.The doctor had told me, before I went to rehab, if I didn't stop now I was going to die and I knew he meant it. My body was weak, I could no longer drive, take care of my girls, or go to the store alone. I needed assistance with everything.
Detox Was Unforgettable
I was dying, but so were my children. Finally, their feelings were more important than mine. I had felt that pain from my own mother, but she did not have love for me. My girls knew I loved them. I was sick.I went away for almost three months. Detox was unforgettable. I hallucinated, vomited every day sometimes 20 times a day, the pain in my stomach and my whole body was unbearable and there was no drugs for that. I never thought it would end. Rehab was a different kind of pain.
AA Gave Me a Life
I started to learn how to feel; it brought some spirituality back to my life. Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. The people, the steps the principles and the love, gave me a life. I had never had one. I was 35 years old and never remember being happy or loved, and now through AA and therapy for me and us as a family, we were becoming a family and I realized how much I had to be grateful for.I did become a different person and I lived through it. Two things People who knew me and know me today have not stopped saying it for the entire time I have been sober.
