I was raised in New Jersey with my two older brothers. When I was 14, my family moved over to Pennsylvania. The transition along with my age, genetic factors, lack of supervision and more sent me into an escape that I chased for nine more years. I was lucky. I was young when I stopped, but watched many friends die as a direct result of alcoholism.
A Blackout Drinker
I drank to get drunk from the start. I was a blackout drinker from the start. I never knew if it would take two drinks or 20 to get me to the place I wanted to be. That place was anyplace else. Anyplace that was not me. A trick that only alcohol could perform for me. There was never, ever enough. I was never drunk enough.My life started to go in a direction of failure and I was only in high school. I managed to make it through high school being 66 out of 68 graduates in my class. I never took SATs, because I was scared. I did not apply to any colleges, because I was scared. I just drank more and lived in my spacey gray haze of denial.
What to Do With a Day
My last drunk was July 8, 1991. I had gone back to school. A school that did not require SATs. I commuted to Philadelphia. I would go to school for a semester and then take off one to build myself up again for the next set of classes.On this day in 1991, I headed off on the train and when I arrived at school, I found classes did not start till the next day. Typical. I got on the train to come home and wondered what to do with a day. A day free of obligations and I was awake. A day with nothing to do and I was not sleeping off my hangover.
Something Was Wrong
So I decided to go to my friend's bar. I arrived while he was setting up. He set up a drink for me. Slowly people started to come in. One man sat next to me and we proceeded to drink together for the rest of the day.This day, something was wrong. I was not getting drunk. I was not blacking out. I was drinking and drinking and still I could feel. I ended up in the fetal position on the kitchen floor in a pain I cannot describe. If you are an alcoholic, I am sure you know this pain.
My First AA Meeting
The next day, a friend drove me to my first AA meeting. I cried. I heard people share things I never heard people put to words before. I connected right away. Only on the point of the alcohol. It took some time for the rest to come. By the grace of God it did. I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink since.I married in sobriety and had my son sober. My husband is in recovery and we have a good life. A sober life. A life of friends and laughter. A life with pain and sorrow. A life not lost.
