Actually, they did come and assist me as it was clear I was loaded and I had my right arm in a sling -- just another fall in a drug induced haze. In the parking lot that day I used for the last time. I had two Xanax in my pocket, I paid my sitter with all my other stuff, so I took them and finally made it to the 6th floor.
A Lesson in Humility
I had to go through the admission process and I felt I had been truly disrespected when I was asked if I knew what day it was. Why of course I know what day it is, it is Wednesday! There was my first shot at getting humble, as it was Friday.I thought I would just sleep and eat and get healthy while in treatment and learn how to use successfully. If I'd have known then about total abstinence and all that it is unlikely I would have taken that trip. But the days went by and the groups are actually something I barely remember.
Thought I Was Special
I do remember my counselor had me write my deceased husband a letter and she, I, and the director went into his office. I thought I was pretty special to share my letter with the higher up's and began reading.Half way through, the director asked me for the letter and just tore it up stating it was all BS. Well of course that made me angry and I learned after I had been clean about nine months they didn't know what else to do with me except get me good and mad and challenge me.
I Was Defiant, Self-Centered
They said they didn't give me 48 hours after leaving treatment before I would be high again. Well, I'll show them. These people don't know what they are talking about. So as of July 2, 17 years after my treatment episode I continued to "show them".I was defiant, self-centered and believed I had all the answers. Ninety meetings in 90 days, that is crazy. No relationship for a year, yeah right. I did have a sponsor but my motivation there was I couldn't go on my little six hour pass without having a sponsor. I didn't even know what one was and really didn't care. I was all I needed.
I Didn't Do It Alone
So basically I did all the things I said I would never do, like the 90 meetings, relationships, working 12 steps. After my first year clean I got a job working 3rd shift at the local women's residential center. As time went by, I grew with that agency to the point I was actually a state certified counselor.Just blows me away to think about how far I have come along. but I didn't do it alone. My fellowship of choice is Narcotics Anonymous and one of the first things I did is get involved in service work. I truly believe in service work for everyone in some form or another. Making coffee, greeting people at the door, chairing a meeting. There is a place for you.
Nothing More Rewarding
You might not know this now, for the longest time I still tried to disqualify myself, but as time went on, people started knowing me by name and would ask for my phone number or perhaps ask me to sponsor them. There is nothing more rewarding for me and it is a two way street.Basically, for this addict if I just continue to keep it simple and stick with the basics, I don't have to go back to them.
