My long, straight, dark hair is falling out in chunks. I can barely breathe. Tears are overflowing from my almond-shaped brown eyes. The teardrops are leaving black eyeliner stains across my cheeks. A pounding headache is surfacing and I've been vehemently vomiting all day long. I want to die.
I glance down at my cell phone. 37 missed calls it reads in bold red letters. My "Tears for Fears" ring tone goes off again. I want to throw my cell phone through my bedroom window. I'm not sure if it will survive from three stories up. I clutch onto the teddy bear my boyfriend Jeremy got me for our one-year anniversary eight months ago. I can hardly breathe.
I Wanted to Be Sober
I begin to fantasize about the night before. It was the same as it had been for the last four years. I had waken up to a bottle of un-prescribed pharmaceutical drugs, drank five shots of rum mixed with Coca-Cola that I carried around at school, and had smoked cannabis in between my classes and during lunchtime with my girlfriends. I had filled the night with a keg party.Upon arriving at the revelry, I had popped even more pills, snorted a few lines, and taken about ten body shots with tequila. When awakening this morning, I was incontestably hung over. The only difference was I chose not to cure it with a bottle on this particular day. I wanted to be clean and sober.
I Was Only 16
My mouth starts watering. A bottle of vodka sounds heaven sent. Preferably Smirnoff Vodka. I feel like my nose is going to fall off. It's runny and cold. An eight ball of coke sounds perfect. My head is suddenly in reality, and I don't enjoy it. It hurts to watch my boyfriend, whom I'm head over heels for, in pain from my behavior. Not to mention my older sister or my parents. These last 22 hours have been hell. I only have two left to go.When reflecting on this day, I can hardly believe that I was only sixteen years old. My bottom had undeniably been a rotten one. I had chosen to keep digging my hole until this very day. At the tender age of thirteen, two preppy college guys subjected me to a violent gang rape while I was unconscious from too much liquor.
Raped a Second Time
One month later, I had been raped for the second time. My best friend and I had gone hitchhiking days before my fourteenth birthday. Hours later, I found myself stupendously trashed from cheap beer, and a nineteen-year-old was raping me on the couch. I had lost my virginity twice over, however it had been unwillingly.The following three years I was suffering from un-resolved Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had never told my parents, nor talked with a therapist. I was known as 'the party girl' at school, was getting loaded three to four times a day, and cared for possessions more then I did feelings. Life was too hard for me to bear, so I had chosen to take the easy way out.
Alcohol Poisoning
During the middle of my freshman year, I underwent alcohol poisoning. Days later, I was attacked by an African American nearly 7ft. tall convicted felon and told he was going to kill me. On April 20, I was given a Minor in Possession ticket at a party that gotten out of control.By sophomore year, I had graduated from drug rehab with two diluted Urinary Analysis and one clean one. I was abusing hallucinogenic drugs, marijuana, alcohol, and experimenting with opium and angel dust. I hid my drug use by shoplifting from the high-end stores I frequented. I was into haute couture, and used my wardrobe to hide how often my wallet opened.
