A visitor to our Alcoholism / Substance Abuse Forum described the long-term effects that his wife's heavy alcohol consumption and cocaine use throughout her pregnancy has had on their now 19-year-old son. Dave describes the guilt he now feels because of the struggles that his son may face for the rest of his life.
Dave's Story
I'm in my mid-40s now, and I've been clean and sober for almost 13 years. It's been a good recovery -- I was ready for sobriety, and haven't had any relapses or anything like that.Back when I was a kid I dropped out of college after five years and no degree, mostly because of a major marijuana problem. Heavy wine drinking came later. I moved two times zones away to get away from my family and friends (you don't want to be nagged about throwing your life away all the time, you know?) and just pretty much sat around getting stoned and drunk all the time.
Before long I met a nice girl with pretty much the same background and habits, and we got along just fine and began dating. One difference, though -- her drug of choice was cocaine, while I stayed true to marijuana. She drank rum, while I preferred cheap wine. We never fought, not once, and just enjoyed ourselves by working low-stress, easy jobs and hung out with our roommates and all just drank, smoked, snorted, drank, smoked, snorted, and all was well.
She Kept the Pregnancy Secret
Until nine months later when my girlfriend surprised me and everyone else we knew by giving birth to a (seemingly) healthy eight-pound boy.I admit I was very, very naive. Also, there were times I suspected that not all was right in my little world, and asked, obliquely, about "that-time-of-the-month" but was always assured everything was OK. Also, I was smoking about an ounce of weed a week, and drinking maybe a liter and a half of wine a night -- I was doing a pretty thorough job of drifting into oblivion. And oblivious I was.
So life as it was just went on. Until my girlfriend drove herself to the hospital one day and had a baby.
Drinking, Smoking and Snorting
After 14 years, the marriage finally broke up. There are probably a dozen reasons the marriage failed, and it doesn't matter now, anyway.But one big problem we kept fighting over during those years was the first pregnancy. "Why didn't you tell me? How could you drink, smoke cigarettes, and snort cocaine knowing you were pregnant?" Her responses to those questions were rarely calm or satisfactory.
Son Kept Having Behavioral Problems
The issue kept coming up, however, because it did bother me that she kept the pregnancy a secret (even her friends were shocked) but also because our son kept having behavioral problems. We took him to counselors, read books, talked to people.Through it all my wife insisted that any trouble our son was having had nothing to do with any prenatal exposure to anything. When I insisted that we disclose the history to our pediatrician, it turned into an ugly argument, to say the least.
No doctor or counselor suspected anything about the pregnancy as the culprit, which solidified my wife's conviction that there was no prenatal damage with our son. Depression runs in both families, kids will be kids, etc.
Nothing Is Working
He did well academically, too. His teachers liked him. He never got into trouble at school. He graduated high school just this past June, with a 3.79 grade point average. But all through the years he struggled with making friends and kept mostly to himself. He would cry a lot, and complain about being depressed. He's been on several antidepressants over the years. He's been in counseling for years.Nothing has worked.
Our son made it through high school with fabulous grades. But at 19, he has few friends, still complains about depression, has taken to cutting himself and is prone to fits of anxiety and rage. He can't decide about college or not, and refuses to get a job no matter what we do.
He goes to counseling. We have family sessions. We talk about college. We talk about getting a job. Nothing is making a difference.
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
He can go from whistling a tune to smashing his laptop without warning. He has beaten the crap out of the dashboard of his car. He tears books apart, breaks appliances, snaps pencils, cuts himself, rips clothes. He can also be kind and caring, peaceful and funny, remorseful and helpful. He's a good kid, with a soft heart.I have always suspected fetal alcohol syndrome (he does not have the classic facial deformities of FAS) or some sort of brain damage from the cocaine.
I no longer have any doubt. I've spent a lot of time this week reading about fetal alcohol syndrome and fetal alcohol spectrum disorder and other related syndromes.
He Will Never Have a Normal Life
I mean, when you consider his gestational history, it is astonishing he was born alive and has done as well as he has. I am afraid this is not a phase, this is not a matter of changing medications, or giving him some uplifting literature.I am afraid he will never have a normal life. He is paying the price for something he had no control over. Something that never should have happened. Oh my God. I don't know how to help him. God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.
-- Dave
Effects of Fetal Alcohol Exposure
The conditions that Dave describes above definitely fall into a list of symptoms of possible secondary conditions associated with fetal alcohol syndrome, which can continue throughout the child's lifetime. Although there is no cure for fetal alcohol spectrum disorders, there are certain protective factors that can be implemented to lessen or prevent the development of secondary conditions associated with FAS.
