It was during one of those many times we were separated and I was just happy to "be there" for them to help soothe their fears. But my motivation to drive all over God's creation like a madman in the middle of the night was to find her, tie her to the moral whipping post (What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." did you misunderstand?), kick his butt, and decide what to tell the children later.
Fortunately, I never found her and him together. God was with me, even then, in my insanity. But, I had committed murder in my heart. After I came down from the emotional binge, I was consumed with guilt and shame when I realized what could have happened! Then of course, in my extreme reactionary state, I would have serious thoughts of suicide, which developed into an obsession of its own.
Over and Over
Today I know that I was needlessly suffering from the family disease of alcoholism. My thinking, emotions, mental health and well-being had been affected. Her behavior was driving me crazy! What made it much more difficult to accept was that her actions were contrary to the words that proceeded out of her mouth. She was in denial, followed by spells of remorse and often a commitment to repentance. Sounded good to me!I would always accept her request for forgiveness and welcome her back with open arms. Just like an alcoholic, she would use my religious convictions as a manipulative tool against me. I was "obligated" to forgive her.
Courage to Change
Also in Al-Anon I learned that I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. I have choices. Thanks to the support I found in the rooms, I was able to finally get the courage to change the things I could and I finally left that sick relationship behind.Buddy
