But, in all my wisdom (ego) I believed that by having done this "autobiography" I had already done a 4th step. I was told in no uncertain terms I had NOT! Not the way the Big Book suggested we do it. Since I am a member of a very traditionalist home group, I learned quickly that the Big Book is law! So, I did it by the book.
I was only slightly hesitant about doing this step. The reason was that I was afraid I wouldn't do it right. If I didn't do it right I thought I would possibly drink again. I ask around and was given a few suggestions. One was "if you have done the 3rd step to best of your ability, then the 4th step will come".
A Rude AwakeningNext I was told to pray about it. Then I heard "don't worry too much about it, just do it. If you are afraid you have left some things out, God will reveal them to you sooner or later". So off I went with pen and paper.
I listed the most evident resentments first. Then I tried to determine why I had the resentment and finally how I was affected by them. The reasons were "exactly" as the book describes. My lack of self esteem and feelings of security was fairly easy to recognize. Discovering my "false" pride was a rude awakening!
I had a hard time understanding how I could be lacking in self esteem and be prideful at the same time. What a concept! I found for example that taking pride in a job well done is not the same thing as getting all "puffed" up about myself and "boasting" about how "great thou art"!
Fooling MyselfAnother area I had problems was my fooling myself into believing I really didn't have a "lot" of resentments. My explanation for this was "I have always treated most people with indifference". Hence, no resentments occurred. I have learned since doing this step with my sponsor that "indifference" is a not so subtle form of hate or at least contempt.
The basis for all my resentment was fear! What? I always thought I was "fearless." I few into rages to prove it! I was always better than, more educated, had a better job than you! Why this behavior? Because I was afraid. If I couldn't convince myself all these things were true then I would be "less than". Unacceptable. Rejected.
I discovered a multitude of information about myself while doing this step. Things "you" would never be able to convince me of. The answers to why I behaved the way I did. I was so scared and relieved at the same time it was indescribable. I finally had something solid to work with. I had a way out of all the misery I had been living in all my life. All I had to do now was tell someone!
I See Miracles EverdayIf you have just gotten to your 4th step, please just do it! I was 48 years old by the time I got to AA. I had a 30-year drinking career with lots of "stuff" to unload. It wasn't always easy. I had to humble myself before God. It is worth every second of pain I had to go through to come out on the other side, out of the darkness. Just remember, half measures avail us nothing! I do not ever want to go back into that pit of hell.
The only way I can have that insurance is do what other have done. I see the miracles everyday. I have the opportunity to see the "light bulb" come on. What a sight! God did this for me and he will do it for you. All you have to do is have a little faith.
Thank you all for helping me stay sober for just one more day. Thank you for letting me share my experience, strength and hope.
Love you all,
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