depressed jealous
- I grew up with losing mom at age 7; misdiagnosis by a doctor, she died at 41. Dad drank heavily. I was emotionally numb for many years from her sudden death. Nobody talked about it. It scared me stiff something sudden would happen to dad too. I cringed when he roard out in the car to the bars, and lay in bed until he roared back in, wondering if he'd fall down the basement steps again and crack his skull open. I married an alcoholic for 20 years, then a workaholic for 7 years. He died of a heart attack behind the wheel of our truck. Horror at another sudden death keeps me under great stress, and I am insecure, have very low self esteem, and have stinking thinking even after attending Al-Anon almost 3 years, and get very discouraged, wondering if I will ever overcome these deathly sick emotions, and jealousy over others happiness.
- —Guest teribel
Alcohol completely destroyed my spirit.
- I am 32 years old and have always been apart in some way. My father was a victim of heinous abuse as a child, and was a total drunk up until a few years ago. He was in the air force and when he got home, the familiar sounds of ice cubes hitting the glass let us know he was home, and the carbon escaping the bottles of cola as he made jack and coke. To add insult he was a chain smoker inside the home. As a kid I had a hard time breathing. My mother was from outside of the US, and she could never afford to go home because she had to work, aside from a hefty amount of money going towards my father's booze and cigarettes. Manipulation was his favorite game. I had two sisters and the oldest took the brunt of the abuse. School was absolute hell. Smelling like smoke everyday in conservative Utah. I never had many friends. Anyway in adulthood I am a business owner trying to succeed. For some reason the alcoholism still haunts me. I could write a book. God willing help me.
- —Guest wwwwww
Tired
- I am 25 and have grown up with two alcholic parents my whole life. my father currently cant hold a job down and my mother is unreliable. they are good people which makes it so hard, my father is the kindest man and has never hurt us. after so many years you just get tired of forgetting what they like sober and cleaningup their mess, the car accidents, the going missing for days, the injuries, worrying about them - its like watching a slow suicide. You eventuall go numb and I like to think im the most together person until I realised I am an extremist Im either drive myself into the ground with work or confine myself to my room. I always am in relationships with overbearing men who I assume will always leave me and now I just dont date anyone. Its the pain of not having the energy to deal with after looking after your parents your whole life and being too tired to then be in a realtionship. I feel so tired , so I dont talk about it anymore or let myself feel .
- —sallytiredsally
sounds like everyone in the world!
- I've been reading through all this and you know what occured to me? EVERYONE HAS THE SAME STORY .. and I dont just mean the people on this board. I mean EVERYONE. With the exception of a very lucky few. Its not alcohol .. alcoholism was a symptom of your parent's pain! .. My Dad never drank at all but I was terrified of him getting home. He was a workaholic and just angry all the time. Then he got addicted to bashing me. And I know many many people who, if you get them in the right mood, will tell you some horror story from their childhood. In fact, everyone. Most people keep it buried. And yes, there is plenty of stories around alcoholism but there's the sex abusers and the masochists and the religious nuts and racists and general sociopaths as well .. many of whom never drink at all. And they all have kids. Seems to me that focussing on the alcohol misses the point. Point is that all the parents are human and are born into it. The way forward is to acknowledge how crazy we ALL are
- —Guest DJX
Jekyll and Hyde
- I,m 56 and guess will always be effected by my father. what made it tough for me was the love and then the utter hate i would feel for him. Was the nicest greatest dad when sober but the nastiest sob when drunk. I too remember the fear lying in bed waiting for him to get home the creak of the steps as he slowly came up the screams of my mother when they fought. The embarrassment I felt when we were around other people the looks I snide remarks under their breath i would pretend i didn,t see or hear. What gets to me most really is they are still married now for over 60 yrs, and not once have talked about what Hell they put me and my brothers thru. thanks for listening
- —Guest Dave
Good Gawd
- I don't know where to begin... I am a 43 year old man, divorced with three sons. I had a rough start to begin with. I was put up for adoption at 6 months old by a young mother in her teens who happened to have an abusive alcoholic father. Then... She took me back at 8 months to try but just couldn't keep me financially. At 11 months I was adopted into a loving alcoholic home. Well my dad was progressively becoming a more and more dysfunctional alcoholic. I have horror stories like many others I suppose. I have have visited this issue a few times. The first time I read about adult children of alcoholics I detonated... I was so angry that I fit so many traits. I am a mess. Insecure, I trust nobody, I never really fit in even though I am we'll liked, I have anger issues that affect everyone around me, substance abuse history, binge drinker although its been years now since I stopped self destructing. Dad died in 86, mom will never understand me. Lost inside... Always on the outside. Suck
- —stvwn
Product of failure...and passing it on..
- my grandmother was an alcoholic, my mom is an an an alcoholic, I'm an alcoholic and the man i married and had 2 kids with is an alcoholic. needless to sayI'm scraed for my kids. they are good right now14 &13. I divorced their dad 3+ years ago. I briefly stopped drinking, and it only made him drink more, when I left him, he shopped up for work drunk( he drives a tractor trailer) so they sent him to rehab. He' s been sober ever since, even met a lady in AA and now they are married. Well, I have been celebrating my freedom from this :monster" and at the same time, becoming one. I've been sober 3 days now with the help of this site, AA,and God. Praying i can do at least some damage control with my kids. They love me, but have both stated that they hate when I drink.
- —shicks702003
Seeking help finally
- I'm a 38 yr old mother of two amazing kids but unfortunately a child of two alcoholics. I've stuffed everything for years and its reared its ugly head. I left a fully functional marriage which I convinced myself was not working due to my OCD, for a heroin addict in which I felt I had truley found love. Really?!... After tryin to fix him because it felt normal as so many of us do while we're growing up with alcoholic parents.... I've become someone who dosent trust their instincts, depressed, obsessed with my work and honestly just can't make a solid choice to save my life. It's been relieving reading other stories and I'm finally going to see a therapist in hopes to find my way again. I wish the best for those who are goin through this life long struggle to feel normal again. I'm hoping the therapy I am about to seek helps me through my recovery process
- —Guest Middle age and lost
Weight of Responsibilities
- I can see myself in so many of your statements, I am 19 and the daughter of two alcoholics, my dad is now recovering and my mum lives far enough away from me. All my life I have been a perfectionist, bordering on OCD... I feel different from everyone else, constantly seeek approval and aim to please evryone around me all of the time. I believe that my dad gave up drinking for me and so I feel responsible for his wellbeing: he now has no life, sits in his kitchen all day every day, I cannot live like all my friends, I have a constant feeling that I owe it to him to spend all of my time with him. I cannot see how I will be able to move on with my life as it is... I also feel responsible for my mother and I can't enjoy myself like others can, I don't drink for fear that I will become an alcoholic and I need to be constantly in control....
- —Guest Sally
I hate myself
- I am an alcoholic and have two kids. I quit drinking almost two years ago. They live with their dad now. I wasn't abusive or horrible but they didn't do well in school, are both overweight and have gotten picked on. They missed out on a lot because I was hungover and the money spent on beer. I'm staying sober but the damage is done. I had a stressful childhood with a mentally ill mom. I feel so guilty for messing things up I want to kill myself but I know that will mess my kids up more. Alcohol ruined a lot of things. I sold my soul when I picked up my very first drink.
- —Guest wasted time
Keep on going, it is worth it!
- I thought this chapter of my life was closed until we started having problems with our Daughter. I thought that I broke the cycle of dependency, but I have lately realized that although I do not drink I have a lot of the traits. I could never figure out why I could be so strong in my career life, but fail so badly in my personal life. The perfectionist side of me has helped me to succeed, however the part of me who fears abandonment stops me from standing up to those that I love. I am a people pleaser, I am always looking for approval, I battle with depression and weight issues. I have to analyze everything that happnes in my life and can never just really enjoy it and let it be. I need structure and when that structure is broken I get anxious and moody. I am starting to recognize all of these traits and work on them one at a time. I have learned to forgive my Dad for he was only human. Now I need to forgive myself for passing these traits onto my Daughter. Don't let the disease win!
- —Guest stilllearning
Lost
- This is for Apple Sauce. Friend, you say you have been presented with an oppertunity. Friend, when oppertunity knocks you don't say, "Oppertunity who?" No, you jump on it. Your dad sounds, like most alcohics, like he cares only for himself. Bail brother while you can. You've tried to be a good son and I commend you, but in the long run, you need to look out for yourself. Good luck Apple Sauce. I'll remember you and all my brothers and sister who are ACoA's. This is a good site and you can bare your soul, because many of us can honestly say, "Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt."
- —Guest Rick
Useless Dad
- This is for Chelle, You say you and your boyfriend visit your dad and that he abuses you. I'm wondering something. Why does your boyfriend allow him to do that? Frankly, he needs to grow a backbone and stand up to the man, for you. You strike me as an independent woman, but even independent women sometime need a man to be a man. If it was me, I would warn your dad one time and if he continued to abuse you I would sit him on his on his backside and then start kicking him when he was down. Any man who would abuse a woman deserves anything bad that happens to him.
- —Guest Rick
Alcohol is the enemy
- I grew up with an alcoholic father. When he was drunk, and night time I would be so scared I would shake. He would be horrible and abuse my mother, some times hitting her. It put so much feel into my blood and now as an adult, I cannot handle loud voices, fights, brawls when your out, it makes me instantly shiver. Not I have a small child who drinks daily, smokes, gambles, is emotionally abusive late at night, when he can't sleep, or at the end of a party, he calls me every terrible name a woman can be called. I had to move him out because I felt so scared and sick in my gut that I had to protect myself and two children, it was destroying my soul. As far as I can see, alcoholics rarely change, they normally get worse :(
- —Guest Julie
My Story
- I remember these things about growing up with both of my parents being alcoholics. 1. Fearing how they would come home or what I would come home too, every single day. 2. Fearful of them dying somehow because of drinking. 3. Checking to make sure they were breathing when passed out. 4. Lying in bed waiting for the fights to start. 5. Always worried someone would find out. 6. Feeling alone. 7. Wondering what I was doing to make them drink. 8. Accepting their ways and learning how to cope with it. 9. Always feeling on edge. My Mom: My Mom was the type of alcoholic that had many different moods. She could be a happy drunk, angry drunk or a very sad drunk. I could cope with her sad and happy drunken ways, but her angry binges hurt me because she was lethal with her words towards me. I even knew as a kid that it was the booze talking but once it’s said, it’s said. She would call me lazy, stupid or whatever, it’s been a long time and I have buried those words so deep, I just recall th
- —HorseGuy9
