- So my father passed away due to alcoholism. He lived to be 83. He was a very sad bitter angry human. I am glad he is at peace now but I am not. My shame of having him as an alcoholic parent has made me disassociate myself from people. I haven't had a relationship or even dated anyone steady. Even my friendships ar far and in between. For so many years and even now I carry the shame of growing up in an extremely abusive alcoholic home. At 35 I don't think I will ever stand a chance to date someone or be in a healthy relationship or even gain steady friends. It makes me depressed and suicidal. But it is something I would love to learn to trust people and learn how to care for others.. Just venting. Maybe someone is in the same boat?
- —Guest JYanez
Alcohol and Abuse Difficulty
- Im 17 and my father is an alcoholic but not only that, he has anger issues. When I was 9 my dad would beat my mother for something so small and there's not a reason for it. It continued to be like this until the other day my dad was trying to drive drunk fighting my mom physically so i got in the middle of it. Sadly that didn't help because i got beat..bad. I just didn't want to see my father hitting her and I told him it hurts so much how long has this been happening. He said I'm the worst daughter ever and deserve to be beat as well when I'm married. I honestly need help, he doesn't want to be helped because he says he's doing the right thing. Sadly I live with a terrible past with my father. Hopefully this will change one day.
Does it ever stop?
- I was raised by alcoholics and it has almost destroyed me.Im scared of most people and I try to please everybody.I worry about everything.I don't think I'm pretty or clever. I think everyone has a better life than mine.I don't trust my own judgment.Always being told your no good and you were never wanted does effect children.Ive recently met my birth father after 25years he's a good kind caring man who tells me he always loved and wanted me..but he was too scared of my drunken mother to step up.Does that make him just as bad as her?Hes played a big part in messing my head up.If you love your child enough wouldn't you fight for them?What can I do to help the child that I feel is still trapped inside me.I want my parents love but I'm 38 years old and I don't know why I can't move on.Im tired of living in fear but I don't know what I'm so frightened of.
- —Guest Vicky
Growing up with an alcoholic
- I have grown up with a dad who has been an alcoholic since I was eight years of age. He threatens to kill him self on a regular basis. Because he is an alcoholic I have worried about him for several years. I'm scared he will die any day because of his addiction to a bottle. He has effected me severely because I have now been diagnosed with depression and I also suffer from anxiety.
- —Guest Louise
It's All Surfacing
- My first childhood memory is when my father was handcuffed for hitting my mother and placed in the back of the patrol car. I was 3, yet I got in the back seat to bite my father's cuffed hands for hitting my mother. Now as an adult I cannot seem to get away from all the sense of need to keep pleasing others when they don't deserve my loyalty. To make matters worse I married a man who is so emotionally unavailable that I want a divorce. Yet the guilt of always judging myself makes decisions harder for me now. I have done counseling for years yet I can't break away from these traits as a ACOA. I'm not a people pleaser but I'm also OCD about things being cleaned and organized to have a sense of control. Lately, these feelings have surfaced more than ever. Maybe because I'm in my forties now but God only knows I just want to be happy and LIVE but I don't know how. I don't mean to be this way if they would only know this.
- —Guest bluevirgo
- My father is a serious alcohic since I was a kid. Honestly, what I hate most is the pretentious nature once he sobers up. It doesn't help that my mother keeps defending and tolerating his behavior.
- —Guest Prince
Anxiety, Low Self-Esteem, Uncertainty
- My dad has been an alcoholic since I can remember. One night when my dog who was sleeping with me ate his hot dog off the counter, he stumbled down the hallway with a giant fork and knife. I heard him and quickly ran into my room and locked my door. My mom was trying to stop him. He pounded on my door and wanted to get to my dog. I ran out of my back door and into the yard, afraid I would see my dog murdered. My mom ran out with keys in hand and my sister, I can't remember how she knew I was out there. We jumped in the car and my dad ran out pounding on the hood threatening us not to leave. We sped away. The next day my Dad came to my school and got me and my sister out early. I was terrified. He took us home and poured the rest of his beer down the sink, promising never to drink again. A week later I spied on him and found him drinking a can of Budweiser hidden behind the couch. My emotions were disappointment, fear, and hopelessness. I was 8, now 24. He still drinks; in denial.
- —Guest Guest C.
- Growing my step father was an alcoholic. As a younger child I always questioned why on numerous occasion why he has had stomach problems. Come to find out it's alcohol. It got to the point where he would pick me up places drunk leaving me to a confrontation and me walking home at midnight. I was always afraid to have him pick me up and him be drunk. Or even now whenever someone has a drink I began to feel nervous. It's led me to constantly worry about things.
- —Guest Confusion
I am the daughter of an alcoholic
- Hello, I am a 26-year-old woman. I suffer from anxiety and depression, including panic attacks, and derealization disorder. I have been seeking help for the past few years, and can say that I have come a long way. However, I can never feel 100% good about myself. I recently read an article about how growing up in an alcoholic home can affect people emotionally and mentally. To be honest, my childhood memories are a blur, probably because I subconsciously shut them out. My mother, brother and I were all victims of my father's emotional abuse. I have tried anger, sadness, and just accepting it, but none of that helped. I am now married and begin to realize how difficult it is for me to express my emotions. I feel like I am constantly wearing a mask, and I am never myself. I have lost track of who I am and my life. My question is, how do you begin to heal the wounds from your past? I love my father, as he is the kindest man when he doesn't drink. I feel guilty just talking about it.
- —Guest Lolly
Liquid and Dry Drunks
- Both my parents were alcoholic, and came from that same type of family. My Aunt attempted to help me, and because of me, My Mom stopped drinking. Then my father ran off. My Mom blamed me for everything. And used me to deal with my Dad. When he died, She told me I was no longer part of her family. I thought it was just grief. But it was real. She raised the rest of my siblings to hate me as much as she did. And actually told relatives how she hated me. She was sober. When she died I finally felt peace because She wasn't mad at me anymore. I still struggle with relationships, gave up family relationships. And work at maintaining sobriety and dealing with alcoholic others as well.
- —Guest ACOA Child
Secret alcoholic mother
- When I was very young, my mother suffered severe alcoholism due to her depression. She had to go to rehab for about 5 months. However I didn't know this, I assumed she was sick and carried on carefree. My mother made me resent my father (who had resented her for the torment he put him and our family through). She turned me against him and it wasn't until I was 16 that my brother told me the truth about her. I was hurt but was under the impression that her addiction was over. She suffers from illnesses and took a lot of tablets to numb the pain. The tablets suddenly stopped. My mum had taken to alcohol- a glass of white wine a few times a day hidden. I'm the only one who realises. I caught her a few times and threatened to tell my dad. She threatens to leave and I breakdown. For the past while I have been so drained I've become a recluse. People only see the happy me. The thing about secret alcoholism is that the world and their mother thinks she's fine. But she's not. I'm not.
- —Guest Anon
There is hope
- Al Anon and Alateen have been very helpful for me. My mom is an alcoholic. I have learned not to confront the alcoholic. They love to fight. If you don't answer back and leave they have no one to fight with. It is hard. I put on earphones and block it out. You don't have to put up with abusive behavior. If you are in harm's way and there is physical abuse, leave and go to a safe place. Call the police if you feel you are in danger. You did not cause it. You can't control it. You cannot cure it. It was not your fault and never was. It is a sickness and you are a valuable child of God. I pray for her and give my tears to God. I'm strong but my self esteem was shattered. I am rebuilding by having compassion on myself. Love yourself and look for the good things in yourself. We all have talents. You can do it with Gods help!
- —Guest angelhope
Tired of the abuse
- My father is a raging, hateful alcoholic. He begins drinking as early as 8 a.m., and doesn't stop until he has passed out -- usually around 11 p.m. And when he is drunk, he will say or do anything he can to degrade and hurt either myself, my sister, or my mother. Being physically abused is awful, but the mental and verbal abuse is much more draining. A father is there to protect his family from the bad in the world. So who do I have to protect me when my father is the bad in my world?
- —Guest Alone
Never close to alcoholic parent
- My mother was a binge drinker but would become very, very nasty when drunk. As a small toddler I was terrified of her. She would drink and become verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive. When sober she was a cold distant woman who found it difficult to give love or be very maternal. My grandmother lived with us as well as my stepdad and when they all drank it was a nightmare. My mother is now in her 80's, stopped drinking many years ago but I find it impossible to trust her, feel close to her or even love her. She is cold and distant and just as mean when sober although the drunken rages are not there. I am in my 50's and her drunken rages affected my marriage, the way I raised my children and while I tried to change it is hard. The damage was done. I don't drink but my oldest adult child is an alcoholic and is exactly the same as my mother. I am terrified of him too. Alcohol ruins life.
It's Incredibly Difficult.
- I'm 18 years old. My parents have been alcoholics since I was four years old. As a student in elementary to high school, I was so sick of coming home in fear. Summer break was the worst. As a teenage girl, I'm emotionally drained. I pray every night for a better tomorrow.
- —Guest Ledzeppelinfanatic