- I have spent my entire life trying to make up for the fact that I was ever born. I try to be good at everything, get straight As but it’ll never be enough to make up for the fact that it would have been better if I was never born, but it’ll never be enough. My depressed, alcoholic father blames me for his marriage, I am nothing but the reason that he had to stay with my mother (also an alcoholic). I tell myself all the time that people like me don't deserve to be happy or loved. I just had my seventeenth birthday and I suddenly realized that I hate birthdays so much because I don't think that I deserve one. I feel as if everything is my fault when in actual fact my circumstances are not my fault. But this realization has done nothing to stop the feelings of guilt and total worthlessness. The worst thing about growing up with alcoholic parents? The fact that my teenage friends think that it's fun to go out and get drunk. Their naivety makes me angry, I just wish they understood.
- —Guest Nikki
I wish it was different.
- when i was 12 my mother shot and killed my step dad who had raised me since i was 3.she was drunk when she did it,since killing him she has told everyone that will listen that he was sexually abusing her eldest daughter(my big sister)this wasnt true.He was the good parent even though he too was a drinker,we didnt get to grieve for him she wouldnt allow it she told us we were sick for loving and missing him.Everybody that knows my mother thinks that my step dad was a bad person but he wasnt.She says i let my sister down by not speaking out about the abuse and for 25years ive carried that guilt with me its only recently that my sis and i have spoken about the abuse,my sis said it never happenend.It was the excuse for killing him that my mother wanted to use in court.my sis would not agree and refuse to go along with my mothers story when she was on the stand.My mothers way of punishing my sis was to tell everyone that my sis was being abused and was sick for still loving her stepdad.
- —Guest Vicky
- I also grew up with alcohlic parents. My mom could not deal with the deaths of her own mother and sister.and had no coping skills. My father sexually abused my sister and to this day( i am 39) it is not discussed. What i have found to help me is alot of prayer.reachin
- —Guest missy
- My mother used to constantly embarass me when I was growing up. She was really bad, nearly killing herself many times. But then she would straighten up, go to meetings, feel remorse, and we were obliged to forgive and forget. Then she would "slip up" and later apologize, and again we were expected to forgive her & love her. "She's your mom, she loves you," my father and the extended family would insist. Then she stopped drinking for 18 years. My own children never witnessed her drunk. But then she did it again. She said and did terrible, mean, and destructive things to my family and to my father. Tried to kill herself, etc. I decided that enough is enough. I don't want to see her again. But now she's sober again and once again my father and other family (but not my wife or children) think I should forgive. "She did all those things when she was drunk," they tell me. "She is your mother." So after all of the other damage done, now I'm living with guilt for cutting her off.
- —Guest guest Rob
- I want to reach out to Vicki on her WHY comment. You hit one of my feelings on the head. That fear that is unexplianable, illogical. I went to a pastor anout it and he asked me "what are you afraid of"? I realized at that moment that I did not know what I was afraid of and that untimately, there was nothing to fear. My fear has since become much less doninant. I rarely feel that fear anymore so there is hope. I also want to decribe that fear as being in a constant state of vigilance, unable to relax. Almost like what they used to call battle fatigue, shell shock, Post traumatic stress disorder from growing up in the war zone that was my home. I also have this feeling that I cannot describe but has to do with always thinking everone els'se life is better than mine, always comparing-my folks always compared us. "why can't you be like ___ such a good student etc. Anyway- there here is hope. I have gotten better. God Bless
- —Guest tony
Life's lessons learned
- I had a brain ACoA friends. At the end of my post I should have written, "Living breathing proof."
- —Guest Rick
Im not alone afterall
- Growing up my dad was the alcoholic and my mom was always mad at him. She shared her anger with me, oldest child and only girl. I listened to her anger till the day she died . I thought I was alone, I'm not. I isolate myself but I try so hard to make friends and no friends to be had. I'm so lonely and I want to give up.
Life's lessons learned
- As I've posted before, I grew up in an alcohic home. I was abused physically, mentally and sexually by my mother, as were my younger siblings. Our mother rejected us and beat feet when we were very young. As an adult I found myself also rejected by most of the women with whom I wished to have a relationship with. I've wondered on many occasions if I gave off vibes because of my mother's rejection. To make a long story short I eventually turned to strippers and hookers for female companionship. Ironically, I learned more about being human from these broken woman then I've ever learned from doctors or men of the cloth. I learned to trust women and even to forgive my mother for her human frailities. I'm married to a wonderful woman now and I've never been happier. There is happiness for broken ACoA's my friends. I'm living, broken proof.
- —Guest Rick
To Frank-Self doubt
- The one thing you are not, and that's alone......look at how many of us are in here. I failed miserably with my kids and they wound up with my ex. I never drank but I had no patience or nurturing skills and I had a major FAIL. But I'm still alive and I get up everyday and take a deep breath and tell myself to keep the demons away today. They live with all of us in here on these blogs. Just read. Some days I want to sit alone in the dark and cry...other days I feel strong and say screw the past. Other days I just need a shoulder to cry on and I don't have that because nobody understands us. At least you stood strong for your kids. That's more than I did.
- —Guest Lisa
- I was only a year old when my father committed suicide and I was left alone with my mother who was an alcoholic. My first memory of a beating was when I was 5 and she was drunk and washing my hair and got angry when I squirmed around and grabbed my hair and started whipping me and throwing me around. From there on, it was nearly daily drunk beatings from her till I was 19 and left home. I was blamed for everything from my father killing himself to her life being ruined by having me. She went through several relationships which were doomed from the beginning from her violent personality. We moved around alot..you don't stick around too long where you aren't welcome. I was half mexican and got picked on a lot by other children. Parents wouldn't let their kids play with me because they all knew about my mom. The beatings became more severe the older I got. Punching, kicking, pulling my hair and finally picking up objects to beat me with.
- —Guest Lisa
- Even though I have every reason to be happy, I feel angry or emotionless a lot of the time. I am finally realizing that growing up with alcoholic parents has caused deep scars that are going to take a long time to heal. Some may never heal. My mom died 4 years ago and never did stop drinking. One of my final memories of her is scurrying to the fridge to get some beers. She and my dad fought over beer even when I visited them as an adult. It brought back the same fearful childhood memories. But it was treated as more of a joke. Anyway, I am going to Alanon and I want to work a 12 step program. I think one day at a time it is possible to start living in the present and enjoying life. Thanks for all the honesty in these posts.
- —Guest Renatte in Wa
- My dad was an alcoholic, from my youngest memory. My mom developed schizophrenia at age 28, when I was 10, my brother 9.mom died when we were 12 and13. She was very ill, and crazy, so of the two of them, my dad seemed less of a problem. But as an adult woman, I married and had 3 kids, but the man I married wasn't a drunk but has the personality of an alcoholic. I feel as though I am incapable of real love with anyone! I am older now, and separated, kids are grown, but I feel as though I never knew how to love. It's like feelings don't exist for me. I'm 62, and I try to make people laugh and have fun, and I am good at it! But inside I got nothing. Most days I'm not sure why I should get up. I was on depression meds for 15 yrs on and off, but they seem only to make me feel even less. I am very angry
- —Guest Kris
- I AM THE YOUNGEST OF 10 CHILDREN, I AM 40 YRS. OLD, MY MOM STARTED HAVING KIDS AT THE AGE OF 14. I HAVE 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN OF MY OWN. BOTH OF MY PARENTS WERE ALCOHOLICS. MY DAD WOULD GET TOTALLY WASTED THEN BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF MY MOM FOR THE FUN OF IT, VERY SELDOM DID MY OLDER BROTHERS STEP IN TO HELP OUR MOM AND ALL I COULD DO WAS WATCH IN HORROR. FOR A VERY LONG TIME I HATED MY MOM BECAUSE I COULDNT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WOULD STAY WITH A AMN WHO BEAT HER BUT AS I GREW I REALIZED THAT SHE STAYED IN FEAR OF HIM TAKING IS ANGER OUT ON ME.I DECIDED ALONG TIME AGO THAT I WAS NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THAT, I DO NOT DRINK NOR HAVE I EVER DRANK. I CHOSE TO BE THE ONE TO BREAK THE CYCLE AND BE A BETTER PERSON, MY DAD DIED ABOUT 15 YEARS AGO AND MY MOM HAS SINCE QUIT DRINKING AND REMARRIED TO WONDERFUL MAN WHO ALSO QUIT DRINKING AND THEY ARE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER
- —Guest sandra
growing up with an alcoholic
- both of my parents were alcoholics and i saw the efeects it had on them and the rast of the family and that is y i choose not to drink. i was not going to be like that and i didnt want my kids growing up like that. it amazes me how people say they are because of their parents but life is a choice noone can make u drink, or do drugs. its is a choice that u make. if u choose to continue the cycle then thats your choice but if u choose to break the cycle again that is a choice u make. i chose to make my life better so i chose not to drink.
- —Guest sgf
it never goes away
- It breaks my heart that so many other people had hard childhoods like me,but it also makes me smile that so many of you seem strong and your not repeating this bad behaviour with your own children.I always wished my life could be different that i hadnt grown up in a house of neglect,abuse,anger,spite,violence and drinking,but now as i grow older and wiser i realize i wouldnt be the person i am if it wasnt for my past.we should all be proud of the people we have become.
- —Guest vicky