Where Do I begin from here?
- This is to Jamie. I can understand many of your feeling. I too saw my parents fighting, I mean physically, standing toe-to-toe slugging it out screaming obsecenties at each other. I believe it is a wise move to get into theropy too. It help me. For me it was Christian theropy. That doesn't work for everyone but it worked for me. Through the love of Christ I was able to forgive my parents for thier human frailities and move on. I wish you the best and prayers going up. Prayers going up for all my ACoC family members.
- —Guest Rick
- I recently read that 50% or so of ACOA are resilient and do well in adulthood. The unifying characteristics are hope, positive outlook that things will get better, more likely to seek self-help and strong religious beliefs. If so, these tools need to be communicated to the ACOA when they are young so they can start building the change that will come within. I am one of those people. While I still struggle with issues, I forgave my Mom and Dad, and I think that makes a big difference. Read "If I had controlling parents" by Dan Neuharth. Also remember that 1 out of 4 or so of us are ACOA so we're in good company. We're all goofed up and honestly it seems sometimes that the unscathed are the most rare among us. You are all survivors and this experience has caused some problems but also built your compassion for others which is a blessing.
- —Guest Joan
growing up with a alcoholic mother
- I'm 34 years old now my mother is 50 as you can see she had me when she was young all my life my mother has been a excessive drinker she still drinks right now to this day I look at her with digust I don't understand whats wrong with I her thought she would of outgrow drinking by now or at least try to change for the better I don't know what to she don't want help all I no is I grew up with alcoholic mother and that's a hard thing to do I have 18 year old brother he lives with her he experinceing what I went through I have no good memories from my child hood its all hurt and pain I. Use to think god put me in the wrong family I have 2 kids of my own and I refuse to put them through something like that so I don't drink me and mother don't have a realationship Its a shame I'm so dissapointed in her for wanting to be like that god said honor thy mother I do from a far distance
- —Guest the queen
life without a Dad
- I grew up with a dad who drank and hit my mother, she stayed with him because of us, showed us love and stayed hungry while giving any food we had to my 5 siblings and I when he would constantly drink his paycheck. Im now 21 and as the years pass he stopped drinking but he abuses pills and any med he can find now and often has mood swings. which brought our family to a conclusion hes a drug addict. Our family is still intact. my mother and him sleep in separate beds but same room. The thing is a bad abuses dad would never change, he gets worst and thats why im still home looking after my mom and everyone, he cant do anything because im the alpha now, take a stand guys, it will be hard but its you dont you're just an enabler, the scars of not having a childhood, constantly worrying wont ever be repaired but life moves on , be a better person and try just try and fail than fail to try.
- —Guest Dev
Both Alcoholic Parents
- It has been nice to read the responses of others who grew up in alcoholic homes. I am the oldest of 3. My father was a violent alcoholic and my mom started self-medicating with alcohol as a way to cope. I have pretty much every characteristic Of the adult child....very low self-esteem, I feel like I have always been dumb, never pretty enough. I have one Failed marriage and am not mature enough emotionally to have a healthy adult intimate relationship. I was so insanely jealous in my previous relationship that I caused my partner to end the relationship. I feel that unless I am able to change, I may never have a healthy relationship...with my children, my friends, or a future partner. I am 49 and I act like I am emotionally 12. I can't stop myself because I don't know how to stop the feelings.
- —Guest Renatte in WA
Where do I go from here?
- As I sit here, my heart is heavy and my head is full of so many thoughts. My dad was, and is, the alcoholic in my family. I am the oldest with only one sister who is 6 yrs my junior. I tried so hard to protect her from what was going on. My dad and I never have had a real relationship. There are a few fond memories of growing up, but most just lead to one of the ugly ones. Watching my parents fight, running from my dad with the phone to call the police, a cop car in my drive-way just so my mom, sister and me could leave and go to my grandparents, watching my grandfather and uncle leave with a gun because my dad was being stupid...the list could go on and on. I need so badly to cry. I am 32 and have been married for almost 13 years. I have 3 beautiful children. So why do I need to cry? Because I am now faced with too many trials to name and have no where to turn. I yearn for something better. I can only hope to find it as I plan to begin therapy.
- —Guest Jamie
Daughter of an alcoholic
- Normal to me was never discussing our problems and avoiding confrontations with people. I was the caregiver to my mom and I continue to do so with my drug addict husband who I am separated from but I struggle to go through with the divorce because I feel that he needs me. I don't know what it's like to have normal healthy relationships with friends or co-workers. I hadn't realized how so much of my personality is modeled around growing up with a mother who was an addict. I had thought that my flaws were pretty normal and that this is just the way I am. I hope to modify some of these flaws and actually trust just one person instead of keeping everyone at arms length and not letting anyone get to know me or get close to me.
- —Guest Renee68
oh 'my God'
- I read the first 15 of 587... and though it's strangely affirming to know I'm not the only one... it's overwhelming to think I'll have to struggle with this the rest of my life. Is there no relief? To the young ones who still have to live with it, my heart breaks, To those who have suffered so much for so long the co-dependant (that IS who I AM) longs to bring relief. At age 54, in the middle of my 3rd divorce, unable to get/keep a job - I'm finally 'ready' to WORK on this. I always though I'd have to reject my Mother to do so - maybe that's true. But there is no easy fix, maybe there's no fix at all. I seemed to manage pretty well until my Son joined the military. I've been lost (again) every since. I'm angry at my Father, Mother, Sister - hell why didn't anybody, anybody... DO something? Doctors, Teachers, Neighbors, Relatives... someone must've realized. I'm buried in every negative emotion and feeling there is. It makes be physically ill.
Jealous and frustrated
- I always knew we were abused by my father and neglected by my mother. It is a fake relationship with my mom but i love her very much realizing she is not very strong. Can't even talj K to mydad on the phone and haven't seen him in about 15 yrs. i am dissociative and have tried talking with him but then end up unable to function very well. I remember crying so much as a young child in school and now I wonder why noone tried to help me. So i changed my personality and became goofy. I am intelligent and successful but never feel that wayfully. I am angry and jealous of people that have family members that are close and care for them. No one wanted tobe near my dad so extended family blew us off. I want to improve myself and find i am so critical of others no wonder i have no close friends. Igot married but have no desire forchildren as i want to live for me now.
- —Guest Dee
strength in numbers
- So many have so much in common here including myself. The disgust watching the abuse around us as we grew up, the denial our parents had or still have. Despite what we all went through I see beyond the scared sad children we once were. There are entries of wisdom and strength and breaking the mould-not passing the abuse onto our chldren. If I could I would hug you all and that scared sad child in all of us.
- —Guest Jen
- My stepfather was an alcoholic for most of my childhood. I'm in my early 20's now, and I have such severe social anxiety that I sometimes make up excuses not to hang out with friends. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression and I have a general feeling of worthlessness. Like I'll never be good enough. He has never been physically or sexually abusive, but the emotional abuse was manipulative and bullying. It took me until I was 17 to even realize there was a problem and until now to want to seek help. I always thought it wasn't that bad and that I could handle it on my own. I still live at home and at times the atmosphere here is unbearable. I shut myself in my room more often than not because I'm so terrified of being criticized or yelled at for something I may have done or even haven't done. What hurts the most is that my earliest memores of him were wonderful. We used to be very close and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him. Now I don't know if things can be salvaged.
- —Guest T
Both Alcoholic Parents
- I grew up with a completely different childhood from my brother, as if we were raised in two different households. I took all the drunk actions from my parents, my brother was somehow shielded, which I am extremely thankful for. But I have terrible anxiety, depression, and nearly every single charactistic of the adult children of alcoholics. I have a tough time sticking up for myself and when I have several times to my parents, they remain in denial and say "sorry you feel that way". My dad has been physically abusive towards me, while my mom has just watched, left the room, or fueled the fire by talking badly about me to my dad. I've heard this first hand. I don't trust either of them and have trouble in my relationships. I don't feel like I'll ever be okay. The hurt goes so deep, and I feel sad for each of you that feels this way. It hurts so much. I'm not sure where to turn from here.
- —Guest Cincinnati
Stop the Blame Game
- I'm 42 and have been in the process of recovering from my alcoholic father for over 20 years. I'm really tired of hearing people blame alcohol only, as if the absence of it would have made everything rosey and perfect. My dad was miserable and violent with or without alcohol. Granted alcohol makes things alot worse, but the root cause of abusive behavior is being ignored by overblaming alcohol. Core beliefs that we, (my father included), choose to adopt as a result of being exposed to abusive behavior dictate our emotional behavior and the decision to abuse alcohol. I chose not to abuse alcohol purely out of disgust for what I saw as a kid. I blamed myself for my dad hitting and choking my mom for too long and carried a million tons of feeling worthless and guilty well into adulthood. The good news is that through cognitive behavioral therapy it is possible to feel better and really heal. A book that changed my life is "Feeling Good the New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. Please read it.
i dontt understand
- I am the eldest son. I know my 1 yr.older sister is an enabler. I feel like I am the disapoint. If there is such a thing.I have 2 younger siblngs. A woman who is beautiful but has a weight problem and is I click away from being morbudly obese. As well as marrying a man 20yrs. Her Sr.now. she is continuing the cycle of abuse by taking on the charicteristics of my mothers attitude twords me. The youngest male cannot keep a relationship
- —Guest zeddo
- I dont understand why my mothers drinking has had this huge impact on the person ive become.I want to be free.I want to live my life and be happy.why wasnt i loved?why have i always been not clever enough not pretty enough not good enough?im a great mum i love my children i show them how much i love them.im insecure im a worried person i have o.c.d. it sounds silly but i feel like i live in fear but im not sure what im so scared of.i feel like i need some kind of justice for the hurt little girl that i once was.im angry alot but im also sad.Bad things happened when i was little,my world fell apart when i was 12 when my dad was killed.im 37 now, i feel like im trapped in my childhood?Will i feel like this forever?
- —Guest vicky