From the article: Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics
Adult children of alcoholics are people who grew up in a home with at least one alcoholic parent and whose lives were likely profoundly affected by the experience. If you grew up in an alcoholic home, share how you think it affected you most. Post Your Answer
Invisible
- Alcoholic emotionally absent father; exhausted, emotionally absent mother. I was told repeatedly by teachers in school how bright I was and that I was a "natural leader" but at home was never encouraged or even acknowledged. Joining clubs, bands or sports teams was never an option: don't even bother to hope. They went to the cottage with their drinking buddies every weekend, I sat home alone. At 10 years old, alone for weekends at a time. I became very self-reliant and unable to relate to people my own age. Certainly never developed the talents my teachers spoke of, and even now at 43, the longest 'relationship' I've had lasted 5 months. I have no self-esteem. I chase people away, I over-react on a hair trigger, I wiggle out of commitments and promises, I isolate myself because I cannot handle being vulnerable or hurt ... so instead I have become invisible - and lonely and sad - and can't help but believe that both my personal and professional lives have suffered for it.
- —Guest Guest in Indiana
I Am So Angry!
- I am 28. My mother has been a violent alcoholic since I was 2 years old. I have a twin sister and an older sister. My twin now has paranoid schizophrenia which is a direct result of the abuse she put us through. My dad was high up in the Army so he was away a lot while she put us through complete hell. We were taken into care at 11. She ruined my dad's career. Trips in the ambulance with her was common. she once fell through our patio window when drunk and I thought she was dead. This sort of thing happened often. W e (the children) never told anyone until the phone calls to the police (by the neighbors) became regular. At 13 my dad gained custody of us and I had 3 years of counseling. My twin, who is now severely ill, chose not too. The devastating effects of her illness is a constant reminder of what my mother has done. Older sister and I are now very happy with partners and successful jobs, but she is still alive causing misery. She is a disgrace for the guilt she made us feel.
- —Ria.
Pay it forward
- I am the only child of an alcoholic father and psychotic mother. A loving family, just in no way conditional. "Growing up" this way has made me into the person I am today, working in the medical field. I see my life from this point onward, at the chronological age of 30 but the emotions of a child. I guessed at normal my whole life, and now i am learning what it really means. I look forward to life of love and compassion. Pay it forward.
- —Guest New York
Why
- My father was an alcoholic, bully. He used to come home drunk and accuse my mother of all manner of disgusting things. He didn't use his fists to damage, he used words which still linger and caused so much damage. It's harder to erase vile words from your brain than to see a bruise fade. I am one of six, the middle child, I remember sitting on the stairs hearing the the fights and the verbal abuse, age 4, crying for it to stop. My mother left my father when I was 10, she had a choice him or us, she chose us, for this I will always love her. Sadly it was a real struggle for her and she ended up becoming an alcoholic, Her tipple was scotch, oh and how that changed her, she became as vile as my father had. She would be falling down drunk, or throwing up drunk, or just verbally disgusting towards me. I felt guilty, anger, hate, disgust, sad, numb, weak, helpless, and so much more. It ruined her life and it ruined ours At 48 I am a mess, depressed, alone, I feel helpless.
- —Guest lottie
Violent Alcoholic Dad + My Sisters
- OK here goes. My dad is an alcoholic. My mum left us over 15 years ago and remarried. I am 22, with 2 younger sisters aged 20 and 16. I have a job, so I can afford to move out with my sisters, but they think if we leave, he'll commit suicide. He has got violent with them before, but luckily I was there to protect them (had to beat him up and call the police a few times). I don't dare leave because I know what he's capable of. At 22 I feel like my life is on hold because of this. I've tried telling people and asking for help but all I get is a patronizing sympathetic smile. All the advice on the Internet is telling me to "pray for him", or "let him get on with it."
- —Guest Dan
Help is always needed - never received
- My mother has always struggled with drink. It ran/runs in her family until my grandmother died 3 years ago. That is when the serious problems started. She began to drink as early as 6 in the morning all the way through to 10 at night. I took a gap year between high-school and university to look after her. She beats my father, myself and she often holds my dad against a wall with a kitchen knife. We have contacted Al-Anon, abuse, doctors, the police, mental institutions and depression psychologists and noone seems to be able to help my mom. Myself and my father are just at our wits end. We don't know what to do. A messy divorce seems like the only option but is it really the only thing that will stop her? We fight like cats and dogs. There seems to be no end to her abuse and torture towards myself and my poor father. Help please. Anything.
- —Guest holly
My life is my choice to make...
- Few one of the lucky few to actually know I still have a father. I'm 18, and my dad is now sober, but near five years ago he was alcoholic. He has been drinking since a teen, and when my grandpa past away 21 years ago. After that he struggled to stay sober. Everyone tells me, I was too young to remember all the fighting my parents had. I was four, but I remember yelling coming from downstairs and my mom in tears. Thank God, he never hit her, but he threaten her. At six, my parents divorce, and my dad didn't see my brother and I for a year. After two failed marriages, leaving damage in both to kids, and going no where in life, my dad sobered up. My mom hardly speaks to him. She has been happily remarried for 11 years. now. My brother holds a huge grudge against my dad. I hated my dad to point...now he understands me more then my mom. I refuse to drink and hate the sight of beer. I'm bless to know I have now an sober father for the first time in my life.
- —Guest Erin
There's Recovery & Moving On
- My dad was a violent alcoholic who became dry. He didn't have a program of recovery; and isolated himself from our family. He died of a brain tumor; which was the result of a fall or some other kind of trauma to his brain. He yelled a lot, raged, and scared me and my sisters. I grew up with my feelings completely shut off. My mom was a huge liar, denied all of reality, and in her final years; I learned of much betrayal toward me. I've been sober over 31 years and still working on my recovery from my childhood. I am now in Al-Anon, as both my sisters are alcoholics. I have let go (for today). I've been married for almost 45 years to a nondrinker. He is a kind spirited man, full of life and love. I am so grateful, so blessed. I acknowledge the pain of my youth, but I also acknowledge the joy of my life today; in spite of this disease, there is hope, family happiness, and fulfillment. I continue to move on; claim the goodness; and live/work my own program.
- —Guest Paula
There's no way of knowing...
- I am who I am as a result of my parent's alcoholism. I chose my outcome. I'm sure things would've have been just as hard in greener pastures, but with less disinformation and anger.
- —orangepostit
the truth
- I'm completely numb. Anyone can come and go from my life and I don't feel a thing. I am "emotionally protected" and I can't fix it. Question I've always had, how can a parent throw her or his child aside for booze or drugs? Why would you have me in the first place if you have no self control?
- —Guest Cass
The end result...
- I have a hard time building relationships. I don't trust people easily. I feel alone a lot, my father didn't teach me the skills fathers usually teach their sons...
- —Guest Alone
I am always enough
- Those multi color years of the damaged childhood are just beginning to fade to black and white as I realize I am enough. With 2 dead addict parents and my own addiction to recover from, I'm passing through the realization that a number of my family don't want me to change - if I do where do they put the shame now? So now I know its good for me to remember...I am always enough, even when I apprently fail. Thank God for HP, for 12 steps and for those that have learned to listen. Being sober is so much better than being numbed to the fear, abandonment and the past.
- —Guest Alastair
Help with Al anon
- I grew up with dry alcoholics, my mum had all the characteristics of an alcoholic and my dad was a workaholic. I married an alcoholic and my sister married a dry alcoholic who killed himself. When life is going well I cope okay, but when things go badly I feel terrible fear and anxiety because I have never learned healthy thinking. At 49 I went to Al-Anon and have found I'm an adult child of alcholics and tools to deal with the problem. I'd urge abyone who has suffered in an alcoholic home to try an Al-Anon meeting.
- —Rondavies
40 going on 10
- My dad was (still is) a depressed alcoholic and a child of depressed alcoholics. His grandmother killed herself when he was a boy and mental illness runs rampant on his side. My mom is a highly educated woman who worked 12 hours a day to provide for the three of us. Dad was never home (at the bar), couldn't keep a job. He told me how he wanted to kill himself over and over when I was a kid. I hate men, but I love them. I can't commit to anything or anyone. I am not a drinker or user, but I am very depressed and emotional when it comes to my daughter. I want her to have a normal life but how can she with a mom who is still struggling with her own demons. I feel like a failure in marriage and life. Today is Thanksgiving and my dad called me (he's remarried) and was drunk and depressed, regressing about being a bad father to me and how much he still loves my mom. I just feel like I'm going crazy with everything. I hate my dad, or do I? Where is the start over button on life...
- —underthemilkway
How it effects my family still
- At 48, I still look back at the horrific life we had growing up with an alcoholic filthy and violent mother. She was a compulsive liar, and a violent drunk who was also verbally abusive. The effect it has had on all of us is that we end up with abusive spouses-even though we do not choose it consiously, each one of our spouses is abusive in some way. We do not trust people easily, look to the wrong people for friendship and love and feel like we have no place in the world and nobody loves us. We didn't know how to care for ourselves or what "normal" was until we escaped-each of us at the age of 18. We then had to learn to take care of ourselves. As a result each of us is way behind our peers financially, and with our careers because we first had to continue the cycle of self-destruction until we learn another way. One of my sisters never got the chance because she died riding home with a drunk driver. I am ever vigilant not to do this to my own child.
- —renunciate
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