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Readers Respond: Have You Been Playing a Role in the Life of an Alcoholic?

Responses: 477

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Updated September 22, 2012

Lost and hopeless

I to have been married over 25 years and to a very good man but alcohol and lies have been a big part. I kept it to my self for years but since he was ill its in the open no one knows when hes drunk apart from me but its killing him and the deceit is destroying me. It has to be them who want to do it iv tried and tried like a diet until he really wants it iv come to the conclusion I cant do anything or beat my self up if it happens. Its the lies i cant do but im still hear for the good man inside but making more of a life for my self interdependently who knows what the future is if he keeps pushing me away with alcohol its really not our fault and we must realise that. I would love the normal life of coming home and wondering has he hasent he. i dont want to but if someone else came along it would be a very testing time.
—Jude.321

Provoking still, when will I learn?

I have been a provoker for twenty years. Over the last two and half years i have taken big steps with alanon and keep my money separate from the alcoholic while still contributing to households. Living with disease has been hell. I have learned my character defects and willing to start changing. I am in process of separating and we have three kids. He has no desire to stop. Last night i had big setback and started preaching about how is drinking has ruined our lives ext I was in so much pain because i just left an alanon meeting with four newcomers that had my story. Fast forward twenty years and i am still trying to get away from this person. Alanon has helped me with my provoking but i am still so sick and sad .
—Guest pat

Isolation

I have been married for over 20 years and have 4 children. My husband is a binge drinker and is getting worse! He has started to get verbally abusive after drinking, when he drinks he will continue to drink until he nearly passes out. He misses at least one day of work a week and spends it in bed. I am sick to my stomach trying to cover for him - luckily it is his business! I have lost a couple of friends because of his behavior when he drinks. Recently he lost his father who was an alcoholic and a brother to a drugs overdose. I feel so alone and feel like you have only one life - I keep telling him I will leave him, he begs me to forgive him and that he will change - I work in the family business and feel trapped. How would I cope financially, today I am writing this piece sleeping in my daughters bed and can't bear to speak to him after another session where he was verbally abusive to my children. I can't talk to anyone about this - so upset and lonely.
—Guest Michelle

Lost and hopeless

I've spent my life thinking i wasn't good enough to be loved, I've been married to a functional alcoholic almost my whole life , i thought it was my fault, sometimes i still do. I love him more then life its self. There is a good man berried in there somewhere. I just don't know how to help him. I'm lost , but cant give up. He needs help and knows it but he just dont care, he's lost hope and faith, he's given up and thinks this is all he has left. I just have to find a way to get through to him.
—Guest sm

Just had enough

My boyfriend is an Alcoholic every weekend three days straight. Sometimes he starts on thursday. He gets drunk. We have an 3month old little girl together. I dont want her to grow up to these actions. Hes a mean drunk, says cruel and hurtful things and even hits me but when sober swears he doesnt remember. I believe Ive played apart because when he gets drunk i scream and argue pour water on him and threaten to leave, even left ..he lied ..promised if i came back he would change, signed into AA and never went not once.
—Guest so tired

Still not over it

Six years ago I got involved with a man who said he had been sober for 4-1/2 years. Ten months later he started talking about wanting to have a beer again. I had no idea what I was in for. Once he started, I didn't even know who he was anymore. I stayed because I loved him and could not forget who he had been. I finally had enough because I refused to live my life waiting for a man to come home from a bar. I moved out and made the second mistake of continuing to be in his life. I dated others, but he continued to call late at night. "It's a quarter after one and I need you now" he would sing into my voice mail. Finally a year later his new girlfriend got hold of his phone and called me, crying her eyes out about him. I heard myself in the pain in her voice and I finally changed my number that day. It's almost two years with no contact. He wrecked something inside me, it still hurts and I'm still reading about alcoholism still trying to get over the most painful time of my life. Lesson learned the hard way unfortunately.
—Guest Marianne

Alcoholic father

Very useful article. Moving back to my hometown as an adult I have been confronted with the truth about my father . I used to think he drank a little too much but he was usually jovial and just fell asleep on the couch. This year when I spent the night I've been woken up on multiple accounts hearing him hurling, and then back to the bottle the next day. It's tearing me apart. I feel that I don't really have a father. I've been working through these feelings with the support of my church, but how do I deal with my father? We aren't very open with each other. When I was younger I told him it upset me when he got drunk and angry, he would quite for a while only to be back to the bottle. I don't honestly believe he will change. I don't know what to do. Should I try to tell him how I feel ? We have a lot of affinity for each other but I am considering cutting him out of my life because It hurts to see distroy himself.
—Guest Brie

Lost But Not Defeated

Hello Dear Friends and Comrades in the Battle with Alcoholism! My brother has a history of substance abuse which began about 14 years ago. He is now 28. He has never had a girlfriend and feels bad about it. He has basically never had a job, dropped out of 8th grade. We lost a lot of family members at a young age and some people have suggested that is why he behaves the way he does. There was a time that I really wished he would die. I truly believed it would make things better in my life and my mother's life. But I now know better. His death would really take a heavy toll on me, especially if I didn't feel like I did my best to allow him to get the help that he needs. Basically he is still killing himself slowly day by day even though we just lost a mutual friend to alcoholism last week (31 yrs. old). Worst of all is the effect that my brother's substance abuse has on my mother. I feel she is also dying slowly as a result of their torturous relationship. Maybe Al-Anon?
—Guest Soul Brother

The sickness is pervasive

Tonight I finally had almost a straight answer to the question "Have you had alcohol?" I consider any amount of truth a sign of progress. Frankly, after 26 years, I always know the answer before I ask. My husband is a functional alcoholic that was extremely good at hiding his drinking and though I knew the truth he would lie. Even now I want to say what a good man he is and be sure no one thinks ill of him. Three years ago I made a decision to take a picture of him drunk and keep it as proof to myself and him. I grew to hate him for lying and whenever that hate started to ease up I looked at that picture. That is when I should have left. Instead I had affairs. Not love affairs. I wasn't in love. I was out for vengeance. I disgraced myself. Guilt ridden I told him I needed to have a separation and asked him to read an online book about why women cheat on their spouses. After a brief separation and attempt at reconciliation followed by more drinking and lies I filed for divorce.
—Guest just as sick

It's my33 year old daughter,

I am enabling her but I dont know what to do. She is with someone now that is a drunk too. no job, no nothing. she used to use heroin 10 years ago. 6 weeks in jail fixed that. she has always drank and partied, but now after some setbacks, her drinking is out of control. help me please, I am afraid she is going to end up dead.
—Guest teri

I feel like I am reading about my life

Reading all these stories it is as though I wrote most of them. Been married 23 years. My husband was fine at first but the drinking got heavier and heavier, especially after my son was born, 9 years ago. My marriage is filled with empty promises and lies. I want him to leave but he won't. My kids don't need to see him when he is drunk. I states he wants to stop. He will stop for a day or so, go to a counseling session and the hit the alcohol hard. He becomes verbally abusive towards me. I have had enough. I explain to him when he is sober that he loves the alcohol more than myself and the kids. He now uses the term, addiction is stronger than love. (He learned this from his counselor). So he uses these as an excuse when he is mean. Until I decide to file for a divorce, I am going to seek counseling for myself. I have already started it for my children. God Bless everyone who is having to deal with this disease.
—Guest JenRD94

Get Out

I was with a binge drinker boyfriend for way too long – 7.5 years. For the last 4 years being just friends – no intimacy. I used to wonder for a long time why it got to that sorry state. Was it my fault or was it him taking up the poisonous hair pill Propecia or was it just the alcohol consumption that caused it? At the end I just couldn’t take his drunken bla hoopla anymore. I didn’t want to have anxiety over his drunk driving (he had 2 DUI’s). He will continue to drink and drive until he kills someone or be thrown himself into prison. He was cheap to use taxi service and hated the inconvenience of not having his car the next morning after a party. He said that I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had and I naively believed him. I now know that alcoholics usually are skilled communicators and have leach like quality – they tightly attach themselves to the only people who can put up with them. After I broke up with him, I found that alcoholics would suffer from health ailments.
—Guest Rascal99

Alcoholism and denial of it by both

My role is a little different. I am a family member who the husband in this situation refuses to accept he too has problem and as far as i see he has bred and fed this into my lil sister to now the point of her dependency so much so that she blacks out. They have 2 kids 1 in school yet the other is now adult both still live at home. The husband insists I have to come take her (my sis) away from there home in KY for a while (dry-out vacation). He doesn't like to hear my suggestion of getting her into detox program and wants to then just call a friend of a friend counselor. Won't work! psych 4 bipolar and regardless the alcohol must be dealt with first. He is mad that we tell him this is his problem. (it is - they are married therefore it is his but he doesn't want to deal with it.) I am afraid she will die in her sleep it is so bad now and being pulled by my sisterly obligation and the other to want to go out and rearrange his face for this. At wits end - she will need forced.
—oldsoulwise

May have to cut your losses

I had a man in my life that kept his alcoholism from me for a good year. Within the year he moved in and soon thereafter is when the problems started. I fell for the "passing out" as working long hours. It wasn't until I found vodka bottles in the garage, no beer in the frig (ever) for company and our vacation money missing, that I got the message. To top this off, his mother and her husband decided he would do well as a bar/restaurant owner in a different city and purchased the property. Talk about a family in denial. When he moved there, I attended counseling for family's of alcoholics. Thinking I could help in his new endeavor I worked at his bar/restaurant weekends, holidays for the entire tourism season. I saved my payroll checks and when I went to cash them, they had closed the acct. I worked for nothing. They closed the business. He moved back and I ended up asking him to leave. Take some advise, cut off any relationship with an alcoholic. You can't fix them.
—Guest I was there

Hitting my limit

My brother will be 30 this year. He was a drunk by 15 and has been dieing for the last few years. His brain floats in ammonia and he goes insane. Sees things is violent and says any horrible thing he can think of. His Gf left him so he is now home with my parents and killing them slowly. He's relapsing but because he's trying to get on the donor list my parents are helping to hide him. If he gets caught drinking he will be booted from the program. I think that is what he wants. I have 2 young children who love him. I told him months ago if you drink you can't know them they can't watch you kill yourself. He chooses to drink and lie anyway. Which in turn makes it so my mother & father has to stay and baby sit him while he verbally abuses them. It's destroying my family and I feel helpless
—Guest lost.in.the.mess

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Have You Been Playing a Role in the Life of an Alcoholic?

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