From the article: Games Alcoholic Families Play
Though it may be hard to admit it, do you think you could – intentionally or not – be playing a role in the life of an alcoholic? Why do you feel you’ve taken this role on? Please share your experience. Post Your Answer
Where do i go ?
- I'vve been living with a functioning alcoholic for 5 and half years and what I have just read has brought me to reality that things are not ever going to change for me until he agrees that he has a problem . Threatened to leave many times and never do. I left my ex husband for him who wasn't much better. When does it ever end - the endless lies and heartbreak and having the same conversation over and over again? Wish that he would see what he's doing. It's even making him infertile and I desperately want a child after losing four.
- —Guest jenie
Need protection
- I have helped my son only to be beaten up the same way he beat up grlfrnds thats landed him in prison. I'm his mom he's 29 years old.
- —Guest sz57yrs
Continuity
- I grew up with a verbally, emotionally neglectful alcoholic mother, and eventually my father joined her too. Forty years down the road and I realize two of my siblings have serious problems with alcohol. I suffer from a mental health issue. I didn't realize until 2 years into my marriage that I had actually married an alcoholic! What a mess. It is just continuing as ever. Where once it was my Mother now it is my husband.
- —pascalle
Roles
- I disagree with this view of roles. Anger is a normal response to a situation when you have been humiliated, beaten, or degraded AND so is despair. Enabling is real, but if an alcoholic is going to be in denial he is going to be in denial. I understand that provoking a drunk is not wise, but a drunk can get provoked from you asking a simple question which turns to intimidation and put downs and constant lying. I think your labeling of the victims of the alcoholic is greatly problematic as it dismisses the abuse the alcoholic perpetrates upon their family and the embodied pain inflicted by the constant turmoil and crazy-making behavior. Acting like nothing happened does not mean the drunk has to face their prob. The drinking itself is a way to not face problems. My mother used this tactic only to have a drunk follow her around and emotionally degrade her. Nothing works except the drunk reaching bottom and finally facing their drinking and deeper problems causing drinking.
- —Guest ns
This is my Life
- My life is in all your responses. I have been married for 26 years. The things I have gone through, working 2 or 3 jobs, raising 3 daughters wit an alcoholic, trying my best and hoping he'll quit. I can remember all the Christmases where I was putting the toys under the tree, because he was passed out. Holidays are for "celebrating" so let's get drunk. The embarrassment - so many times I just wanted to die from the humiliation. Of course, he never remembers any of it. That's the part that makes me mad. The sober spouse has to live with the actions of the alcoholic. My stomach is always in knots, begging him not to drink before we go visit friends, out to dinner, etc. He always sneaks anyway. I hate to get invited places, because it's too much work to keep him sober before we go. Alcoholics are selfish. What sex life? I am not attracted to a drunk, especially one who continually embarrassed me with his off-color comments the night before at a party. I am lonely.
- —Tammy45NCT
When I take care of myself, I can love.
- I grew up in an alcoholic home. I asked for nothing and got nothing, not even basic needs. I survived.I married a drug addict, I asked for what I needed and got nothing. I was angry,spiteful,full of self loathing. I kept trying to change who I was so he would love me. It didn't work. I entered 12 step programs, learned to love myself and take care of myself, though it was scary. I learned I am responsible for my own happiness and I am not so powerful that I can control someone else's drinking - to do so,just brings out the worst in me. After years in recovery I fell in love with a wonderful man who was sober in AA. After 6 months he started drinking, figuring he would just pull himself up by the bootstraps and start over, I waited.8 months. He is still drinking - killing himself. I love this man, but people say "kick him out,your enabling him" I'm not kicking him out. I am focusing on what I need to do to take care of me. I am living. God is driving.
- —Guest GinaP
When Love Hurts
- Shortly after being widowed I met Jim, that was 7-8 years ago. I did not know he was an alcoholic or I would never have gotten involved. I grew up around alcoholism. Therefore, I seldom drink and never when emotionally upset. Caring about an alcoholic has cost me financially and emotionally. He has to desire to seek help and admit he has a problem....I can not fix him. I care about him but not enough to allow his behavior to destroy my life any further. A year ago he lived in Tulsa and I lived in OKC I allowed him to visit on weekends, but when he had unacceptable behavior I sent him home. Then he lost his job in March and showed up at my door like he does for the weekends, I let it slide. Here it is December, he is still here! Not even trying to find a job. Pissing all over my furniture. I am not helping him; I am hurting him by trying to help him. So out of love I will send him packing. He has hit bottom as low as I have seen in 8 years. It is time for him pull himself up!
- —bjb51
No answers
- For 21 years I have been married to my wife, for the last seven years she has been a recovering alcoholic. Until 2 months ago. now all the lies and deceit have started again. I am now 53 and too old to go through the 10 years of hell. As usual it is all my fault, I have shouted, ignored and cuddled but each time the result is the same. I am at my lowest ebb right now. Drunk again last night, gave her a big hug this morning and she said "this is where it stops, I have done it before I can do it again." I took her to the hairdressers to have her hair done this morning she rings me to collect her one hour later. There in the bottom of the carrier is a half bottle of spirits, bought upon leaving the hairdressers, opened. Don't know what else to do, makes you suicidal.
- —Guest DS
You have all lived "My Life!"
- I too have lived with an alcoholic. After 17 years, I couldn't take it anymore! I finally realized that I needed help as much as my ex alcoholic did! I was able to start changing my life through self help books, counseling and praying and trusting in God! It is still hard because you cant just stop loving someone. But, I can now see him for who he is instead of who I want him to be. Life is much more manageable. I am happier now that I ever was before. You too can find your own inner peace and happiness.
- —Guest cmt
Just tired.
- I have been married for 10 years and have been in denial for about 8 of them. It all became apparent when my husband and I took our children to the beach and my husband was mixing vodka and lemonade to bring in the cooler. He was drunk on the beach and careless with our daughter and she was injured. That night I gave him an ultamatum to quit drinking or leave. He made the motions to quit and I thought he was doing really well. Since then, there have been a few significant alcolhol related events. We are still together, but I am constantly asking myself - should I leave him? I don't know if he is telling me the truth. I think he is still drinking and hiding it. He asks me the same questions three times in 10 minutes and can be verbally rude and abusive. The problem is that there are times when we are happy and that keeps me from leaving him. Is it better for the children to live through a divorce or witness this damaged marriage?
- —Guest Rae
All three
- My sister had gastric bypass surgery in 2004 and has been drinking her life away since. I have been to hell and back just trying to make sure her kids are okay, never mind her. Thanksgiving this year was an epic failure -- because none of the family could separate themselves from her and her selfish actions. Problem is, I am truly beginning to understand that the help we are giving her (my dad even built her a house) has done nothing but drag us down and has not brought her up. Figuring out that you can do nothing for the alcoholic that they don't want to do for themselves is a bitter pill to swallow, but I think it's helping me to understand how to move my life away from this situation. Not that my heart isn't breaking all the time anyhow.
- —Guest chickenlady
Why?
- That's my question all the time. Why? He has gout flair ups, but continues to drink. He misses so much of the kids activities, but continues to drink. Lost a job, got arrested, spends the last money in the house on beer. I have tried to ignore it, but then he acts like nothing is wrong. Does most of his drinking alone after we've all gone to bed then sleeps in till noon so he thinks we don't notice. So I mention something, tell him I say it cause I love him and he says, since we're being honest with each other, my weight gain over the past 13 years has been bothering him. We have a good marriage for the most part, but we can't continue this way. He buys beer every night, 18 packs usually. I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up one morning and I'll find him seriously hurt or worse....
- —Guest guest
I am insane!
- I just left my daughter in the Walgreens parking lot with a bag of food and a couple diet Cokes. She's been on a binge for about a week straight! That's how she does it. She can go for 2 months without a drink and not much longer. Just long enough for me to start enjoying her again and really miss her when she disappears. She is 27 with no insurance, no job and no home. How does she drink? She steals mouthwash! She says she learned that trick on the show "Intervention" on cable. This has been going on since she was 16. One day I picked her up off the street and it hit me, I was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's the definition of insanity and I am insane! So i stopped or tried to... then she was sober and sweet and my love for her, well you know the rest. On my way to rescue her from herself on her last binge. God was trying to talk to me. I listened. He said "I'll take care of her." I breathed. I'm trusting God for this!
- —Guest guest alice
Professional player in the game
- I am divorced from a personality disordered alcoholic, who I loved dearly for years. He is the father of our two children, and in order to protect the kids, I took him back to court where the judge ordered only supervised visitation. He will likely not see them because one cannot tell this man what to do. His immediate family has excommunicated me because I finally got off the crazy train. They are a closed alcoholic family that must adhere to the family disease or else face the illness and their responsibilty in it. Very sad; very hard to do for me. The hope I offer to that young mother out there fearing she cannot do it: Yes, you can. For your sake and your children's well being. You are stronger than you know. The farther in time you get away from the sick system, the more clear it will become. When you start to get well, your vision clears.
- —Guest pam
I want to tell my brother to leave
- My brother lost his job and apartment because he drinks on the job and he cuts hair. He got another job cutting hair, besides going homeless, nobody wants him. I offered the shed in my back yard. That is where he sleeps, drinks and watches TV. If he loses this job, I want him out of my back yard also, I will not support him with food and electricity, he needs to do for himself. He claims he needs the TV to fall asleep, if I turn it off he wakes up. He cries like a baby and says I am mean. It breaks my heart to think he could be homeless and I know he will blame me. My eletric bill is going to be high, what should I do? He is in denial about his rude behavior. He thinks his boss and co-workers don't know he's drinking. He thinks his drinking does not reflect on him, because he eats ginger root to get rid of the smell.
- —Guest susan
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