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Domestic Abuse - Why Do They Do It?

It's All About Trying to Control

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Updated October 12, 2013

Whether alcohol and drug abuse is a factor or not, domestic violence and abuse is a very serious problem -- for the victims and the abusers.

As we saw in last week's article although statistics seem to indicate some link between alcohol/drug abuse and domestic violence, others believe that they are two separate issues. Domestic abuse is not so much about a "loss of control" as it is about total control!

Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators, but as victims. This reasoning is common among batterers. Most enter treatment programs heavily armored with elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions.

All About Control

There are varying theories about what makes batterers use abuse on those closest to them. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe men are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep psychological and developmental scars, which are not gender specific.

Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers -- they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims and believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship.

One batterer who has now gone through treatment, says "the beatings, the verbal abuse and the intimidation were all about control. It was like having a new toy," he said. "I had the buttons and I could make her do whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel powerful."

The Abuse Cycle

According to the Women's Issues and Social Empowerment (WISE) of Australia, the issues of power and control are essential to an understanding of Domestic Violence. "Domestic Abuse occurs in relationships where conflict is the continuous result of power inequality between the partners and one partner is afraid of, and harmed by the other," they say.

Although it can vary from case to case, and doesn't take into account other forms of domestic abuse, WISE uses the "Cycle of Violence" as a model for understanding violent behavior. A simplified version of the cycle are on this page, but briefly they are:

  • Build-Up Phase - The tension builds.
  • Stand-Over Phase - Verbal attacks increase.
  • Explosion Phase - A violent outburst occurs.
  • Remorse Phase - You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your fault!
  • Pursuit Phase - It will never happen again, I promise.
  • Honeymoon Phase - See, we don't have any problems!
This cycle concerns actual physical abuse. It does not take into account other forms of domestic abuse that are used to control, such as sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, economic abuse and social abuse.

Has your relationship crossed the line to become an abusive one? Take the Domestic Abuse Quiz.

Getting Help

There are very few resources available for batterers, but generally speaking many only seek help when ordered by the courts to do so, and most states spend no tax dollars on treatment for batterers, usually offering only incarceration in jail or prison as a solution.

Putting the abuser in jail will stop the violence, but usually only temporarily since no treatment is available. The problem is, involvement of the police and incarceration can actually trigger greater violence in some cases.

The threat of physical harm plus the economic and physical isolation they usually find themselves in, makes getting help even more difficult for the victims of domestic abuse. Simply leaving can provoke more and greater violence. Our next article will look at options available for those seemingly trapped in a violent relationship.

Could you be in danger? Take the Danger Assessment Quiz

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

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