Step 1: Toward Serenity
It's 4 o'clock in the morning sometime in 1985. I have been driving for hours all over the county looking for her car -- without success -- at the request of my children who are at home alone on a school night and don't know where their mother is and are worried, so they called me, Daddy.It was during one of those many times we were separated and I was just happy to "be there" for them to help soothe their fears. But my motivation to drive all over God's creation like a madman in the middle of the night was to find her, tie her to the moral whipping post (What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." did you misunderstand?), kick his butt, and decide what to tell the children later.
Fortunately I never found her and him together. God was with me, even then, in my insanity. But to borrow one from a great American and a good ol' boy, I had committed murder in my heart. I was guilty but un-indicted. After I came down from the emotional binge, I was consumed with guilt and shame when I realized what could have happened! Then of course, in my extreme reactionary state, I would have serious thoughts of suicide, which developed into an obsession of its own.
Over and Over
Today I know that I was needlessly suffering from the family disease of alcoholism. My thinking, emotions, mental health and well-being had been affected. Her behavior was driving me crazy! What made it much more difficult to accept was that her actions were contrary to the words that proceeded out of her mouth. She was in denial, followed by spells of remorse and often a commitment to repentance. Sounded good to me!I would always accept her request for forgiveness and welcome her back with open arms. Just like an alcoholic, she would use my religious convictions as a manipulative tool against me. Our pastor also counselled on the "forgiveness side" for years, although he readily admitted that I had scriptural grounds for divorce many times over. So, I was stuck with her, for better or worse.
I thought.
Regardless of the underlining reasons, I found myself repeating the behavior of driving around in the middle of the night looking for her over and over again... expecting different results!
Surely I must be right!
Hey, my friends tried to tell me! I was in denial too. If a Friend of Lois had suggested to me at that point that I was just as much a part of the problem as she was and needed to be restored to sanity, I would have been totally offended! She was the alcoholic!Plus, I was operating under a promise that I believed came from God, that He would give me a true and faithful wife. God was on my side! Surely I must be right, right?
Well, I had the right string, but the wrong yoyo. God was trying his best to give me the desire of my heart, but I thought the faithful wife God was going to give me was MY wife! Go figure!
Today I don't have to admit that I am powerless over alcohol everyday of my life -- I get to admit it! There is so much freedom in that spiritual concept. I am powerless, but God isn't!
Thanks to the help and friendship that I have been privileged to enjoy for the past nine years in Al-Anon, I have the serenity of knowing that I haven't had homicide in my heart now for at least three weeks now! ;-)
In God's Time
But also thanks to Al-Anon, I no longer entertain those thoughts! I don't dwell on it. I make amends and forget it. This too shall pass. I am at peace with my world... okay, some of the time! Sometimes I still want it to happen NOW! Not in God's time, but mine! Silly me.I share this story because I know that there are many who are still there... denying insanity, while pointing the blame finger at the alcoholic for all the absolute insanity. Huh? I alone am responsible for my actions and reactions. I tried to blame alcoholics for 43 years and in didn't work! Still doesn't.
I found that I have choices. I can say, "Time Out!" and it's okay! Acceptable behavior actually. I don't have to be right all the time, and it's a blessing!
You have choices too. We urge you to try our program. After six meetings if you think Al-Anon is not for you, we will gladly refund your misery. :-)
Make the call. If there is no listing in your local phone book, check this page.
Besides... you deserve a real hug.
BuddyT
More about Step 1
Step 1: Honesty
After many years of denial, recovery can begin when with one simple admission of being powerless over alcohol -- for alcoholics and their friends and family.Unmanageable
"I actually asked, What do you mean my life is unmanageable?"Stop The Pain
"At the end of my drinking, I could only manage to ask for help. I had given my adult life to drinking."A Rude Awakening
"I can only say that I am grateful for everything AA has done for me, and indeed, I owe everything I have to AA."Illusion Of Power
"I had to admit and still do, that on my best day, I could do nothing about my loved-one's drinking."A Relief
"The first step has lead me to an unbelievable life. The first step was the beginning to help me believe in a higher power."
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