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Mary S's Sobriety Story

The Consequences of My Alcholic Behavior

By Mary S.

Updated July 13, 2006

This coming November it will be five years since I began my journey with sobriety - for about the fourth, fifth or sixth time. This time was different than the others in that I really looked at the consequences of my alcoholic behavior.

The most serious consequence being the death of my first child, my only daughter, when she was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 25. Even though I was not the driver, I was not even in the same state where the accident occurred, I feel very responsible for what happened to her.

She was the passenger on the back of a friend's "bullet-bike". She and the friend had been drinking when they got on the motorcycle and sped onto the freeway. Twenty minutes after they left the bar, my daughter laid dead in a ditch. Her boyfriend served a little time in jail, but there is nothing that can bring my beautiful baby girl back.

My sense of responsibility lies in the fact that my daughter never knew me sober. She saw me drink and drive many times - with her in the car. When she was of legal age we went out and drank together, and I always drove us home.

Because of my behavior I will always feel as if I gave her permission to get on that bike and then I handed her the keys. She respected me, what I had to say, and what I did. In spite of what I was doing to myself all of those years, little did I know that my behavior would play a part in my daughter's death.

Six weeks after she died I entered treatment. I was miserable. Along with losing my daughter, about four weeks after the accident I had also come home to a note from my boyfriend saying "sorry it had to be like this - don't call me." And I had lost my lifetime companion - alcohol.

Through this last treatment I realized that regardless of the fact that I have this "disease" called alcoholism, I am responsible for my actions. All of those times I was told I had to be sober for me, I wish someone could have told me to pay attention to what my kids were seeing.

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