Alcoholic dad
- I have only just discovered things that are happening in my life, how I behave, relationships etc have all been tied with having an alcoholic father. But I honestly thought it was just me. Until my brother made me read this website. I never realized just how profoundly it had affected me. I don't know how to feel about it, apparently I meet 90% of the characteristics of having an alcoholic parent. I'm 30. Younger brother. I think I just tried to block it all out and get on with life. We always had a roof over our head and clothes on our back. He used to drink just all weekend but when his brother died about 16 years ago he drinks if not every day every other day. Tending to become violent and putting both myself mother and brother down all the time. I'm sure you all know the expression walking on eggshells. I left home at 19 to another country and never looked back. Come home once a year for holidays. I can relate with another reader, my husband cheated recently, I can't trust him again either.
- —Guest LM
Terrible
- I still at my age, which is 68, trust absolutely no one, Since the two I did let me down. They are both gone long ago and I refused to attend their funerals.
- —Guest joro58
Needed love and acceptance
- I also grew up in an alcoholic home. My mom was always drunk. I remember as a really young child, drinking from a cup that I thought was water, but really was straight vodka. It burned my mouth. In and out of detox wards thinking ok maybe this time she'll be normal and love me. But that never happened. My mom died and I never had a chance to tell her my hurt and lost childhood was her fault. All I wanted was her to love me. I am married with beautiful children, but I still have many issues with showing how I truly feel and allowing my self to have self-worth. She destroyed me as a child, never living like a child and as an adult I find it hard to joke with my own children, play and have fun. My husband stands by me and tries to encourage me to let go of my own self destructive images I hold on to like having no self worth (even though I'm a great mom) and always putting myself down. I am working hard on allowing myself to say I have value and to have real emotions and hide them like I always have
- —Guest lost child
Bitter and bored
- I'm 27, my father is a functional alcoholic who used to hit my mum and emotionally and mentally abused me since I turned 16 and the 'family secret' came out. He has a job, close friends who are also alcoholics and his work mates think he's great. Apparently he tells them about how evil his youngest daughter is. He drives drunk and he was off work for over 6 months because he got so plastered he messed up his shoulder. Then he sued his employer and lied to get compensation. He regularly ruined Christmas, embarrassed me in front of my friends and called me a failure among other things. I'm away from him now and will shortly cut off all ties with him. The thing is; I survived but I'm still so angry and bitter. He's upsetting my older sister now by refusing to contact her and changing his phone number so she can't get in touch. I don't understand why he's doing this, he lost his wife, he's lost me and now he's pushing my sister away. I'm just so bored with all his drama.
- —Guest Kayla
Dear Ed:
- Guest Ed: This is what you wrote in your answer... Lucky to have an alcoholic parent Unlike those who who usually use having an alcoholic parent as an excuse, I am one of the majority who have found it to be an advantage. It allowed me to become me self-reliant, independent, tolerant, and with excellent coping skills. Unhappily, we mostly hear from those who'd rather have excuses than a life. —Guest Ed Oh yeah...sure looks like you are tolerant. What planet are you living on again ? No.... didn't affect you at all, hero. You're perfect man. Except for the fact that you can't see your own hypocrisy.
- —Guest what ?
Being truthful with myself
- For sure growing up with an alcoholic (father) has changed me. It seems like I'm on DEFCON 1 at all times no matter who it is. The whole bit - poor boundaries (not having his own and not respecting others), violence, poor social skills, etc.) If there is only 1 think I want to do is heal and re-construct myself cell by cell. The one thing that has helped me is learning that what he did, does, and will do is a complete reflection of him and has zero to do with me. Meaning, his lack of respect for my boundaries, etc. is only because of him and nothing to do with any "flawed" aspect of myself. 39 now and have just scratched the surface even though I've been going through the motions of seeing shrinks, meds, without really being truthful with myself for 15 years or more. Will get my self back if its the last thing I do on this planet. "Don't trust anyone" he'd say - I'd think, starting with you. Most of the people I've come across are 100 times more human and trustworthy than him.
- —Guest boomer23
All of these little things...
- Feircely over protective of younger sibling, who is a grown man himself. Always felt "not normal" and wondered what nromal was. Feeling like an outcast all the time, in all situations. Pulling away from loved ones because things just hurt so deep sometimes. Over responsible, reactor. Afraid of everything, all the time. Afraid the house might burn down, afraid my dog might get hit by a car, afriad of driving...a terrible way to live. Can't stand to be around people, the public, and I feel guilty about it. A stonger connection with animals than people, I feel I raised myself and my brother. I'm 31, and looking for an ACA Meeting in my area.
- —Guest jes
Finding this site helped me
- It's amazing how the same experiences happened in my life too. For years I have felt alone, like I am the only one who has had to deal with issues. I grew up with a mother who was an alcoholic. Every two years she would cash in her relationship and move on to the next alcoholic man. My earliest memory was when I was 4 or 5. My mom was being beat up by her new "husband" and me and my sister were forced to hide under a bed and watch. My sister finally went down the street to the nice neighbor lady and the police were called. He got arrested and a little time later she moved on the the next man. Now I'm 23 years old and in school to be a counselor. I never realized how much their alcoholism had affected me. It just feels nice to know I'm not the only one. I relate to the withdrawing. I have days that I just live inside my head. I don't talk to my friends or family. I just withdrawl and think about the past.
- —Guest Brooke
Growing up with Alcoholic Parents
- I feel bad, and ashamed. Never brought anyone home to meet my parents. Lots of physical abuse by father towards mother. Changed me as child, oldest of 10 and very protective of younger children. Sometimes I was very combative and nearly had my ass beat. Father wanted my money which I earned for cigarettes. It was so bad until I left home to enter Air Force.
- —Guest Rosie
Self-Protection
- I'm a lot more self-protective than most people I know. Even when ACoA can get their act together and be normal, this is still a common hurdle. It would be nice to have someone who understands why I'm the way I am. When I withdraw, it's not because I don't like my friends or family, it's because I'm having a rough emotional time and am not comfortable talking about it. I can talk about it when it doesn't matter, but when it's important and I'm genuinely upset, I want to cocoon and not be around people. I am currently going through a divorce because my husband cheated on me. He would like to reconcile, and doesn't understand that my trust issues are now completely in orbit and I can't ever make myself vulnerable to him again. He says I'm just playing the victim and should be able to forgive. It'd be great if there was someone out there who understood. I'm functional and social, but many times I just can't face having other humans around.
- —Guest KGN
Aware
- I think I have been affected in a number of ways. First, I am always aware of what everyone else is feeling but never aware of my own feelings. Second, I look at life very negatively and I have found it difficult to succeed in some areas of life while over succeeding in others. Third, I have been affected in all my relationships. I am a fixer and over responsible all the time. I hope one day to get over these issues but I know at heart that it will be difficult.
- —Guest Catgirl
It works
- ACA was pivotal in helping me understand the effects of my childhood, and my responsibilities as an adult. Today I am 20 years' sober.
- —Guest The Pinch
Antisocial and afraid
- My father has been drinking for as long as I've been alive (which has been 18 years). One of my most fondest memories of him is the time he came home so drunk that he could barely stand. He stood in the hallway and was screaming at my mom then he hit her so hard she fell backwards. I was only five years old then. Ever since then it's been like that. I'm afraid to have friends and be involved becausei don't want anyone to know what my life is like.
- —Guest froggie
My life has changed drastically
- I can remember being younger when everything seemed so good. Then, my mom left my dad, and me and my little sister were in foster care for 2 years. Finally, when I was 10 my dad got us back. At first, he never drank and we had a pretty decent life, I though I would finally get to have a normal life. Then my dad started dating a new girl, I had known her for a long time before and I thought it was pretty cool. After her twin sister died, my dad sent me and my little sister to my uncle's house in a different province. At the end of that month, he came too. We were starting a new life there. We moved into a run down house and my dad never drank, he was either working or spending time with us. After my uncle died, everything changed. We moved to a house close by and my dad started drinking compulsively. Sometimes he would be gone for days and me and my little sister would have to fend with barely any food. Not even running water. After months this way, we moved to a different town. My dad had stopped drinking for a while, and everything was going well. Then, he started bringing 6 packs home every day. He wouldn't get wasted until Fridays normally. Fridays use to be the days I couldn't wait for, now I wish I never left school. My dad will come home from work with a 6 pack, pick my brother up from work and buy a 12, next a 24 and some hard liquor. I can't even sleep from the noise. I guess what I'm trying to say is, my dad's alcohol problem has affected my life a lot, it's embarrassing when you have to say you can't afford things because your dad spent all the money on beer. I don't even have a good relationship with my dad no more. I would do anything to have a normal life again.
- —Guest Sad~soul15
Trapped and desparate
- I'm SO glad I just found this site! I'm 50 years old, and I'm the "poster child" for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I have vivid childhood memories of when my dad was drunk, violent and out-of-control. He and my mom divorced when I was six. Since 1980, I feel I have done nothing but take care of or "rescue" him! When his 2nd wife had enough, I had to go pick him up and send him away to treatment (he's been sober ever since). Since 1984, every job he's had and every place he's lived, I found for him! 11 years ago I even built a mother-in-law apt for him, so now he's right on my property! I have regretted it ever since. He doesn't respect boundaries, our privacy, etc. I cannot tolerate it any more, and need desperately to escape this situation, and live my adult life like I should have been all along.
- —Guest elaine
